Excerpts from a Diary 2

by silverapplequeen

[February, 1979]
I just found out that my 10:30 class on Tuesdays & Thursdays has been cancelled because not enough people signed up for it. I was wondering why I kept showing up to an empty classroom. I thought maybe I was in the wrong place. That’s easy to do, especially on the Amherst Campus. They keep changing the names of the buildings. & some of the buildings had names that used to be buildings on the Main Street Campus & those buildings have new names now too. It’s becoming very confusing. Now they’re calling the campuses North & South, not Amherst & Main Street. It’s ok but sometimes I wonder just where I am.  Sometimes I wish I had gone to another college altogether – someplace smaller – in the country – but then I wouldn’t have Jon.
I’m not going to try to find another class. Right now I have a great schedule. I have a noon class on Monday & Wednesdays & an evening class on Thursdays. I guess I should really pick up another class. Three classes really aren’t very much. I just don’t know what. I’m so tired of standing in the Drop/Add lines. I got Jon all his classes – I should have been paying attention to my own schedule.
I’m hungry but I’m not. Like – I want to eat but I’m not hungry in the least. I’m so bored at the moment – that’s the problem.  I’m not hungry but I want to do something.  Go somewhere – have a couple of beers.  I wish I had something to smoke.  That’s what I really want.  Jon would say – don’t spend your money on drugs – get food. He’s real old-fashioned that way. But who cares about eating? & I don’t look at marijuana as a drug per se – not like coke or heroin or even pills.  I mean – it’s weed, ya know?   I don’t have any money coming in until March. Oh shit! I only have $6! The other night at McVan’s – I paid for all that – the guys didn’t have any money – I was the one paying for the pitchers of beers. Jon owes me $15 but I’m not gonna hold him to that. I’m not an asshole like that. I need the money but he’s my man – I’m not going to make him pay me back. Oh what the fuck, a piece of toast isn’t going to hurt me. I just wish I had a nice joint to toke on while I studied or wrote or whatever. It’s so nice to take a hit, write a couple of lines, take another, finish the paragraph, toke again – I’ve spent entire days doing that. Then there’s the cup of tea I always have with me & usually a bagel or piece of toast whenever I feel like getting a bit of substance into my stomach. The more I go through life, the more I realize that I am meant to have a nice income & spend my time studying & writing books & getting high & seeing lots of good music late into the night. That’s the way I want to live – oh shit, why am I poor! I can hardly wait until summer when I plan to find a room to live in – hopefully with Jon – forever & ever. My mother is going to dry up & die but she can do that – & that jerk husband of hers & die twice – but I don’t care. Jon is sure my family hates him. I don’t have the faintest idea if they do or don’t – I don’t think they waste that much emotion on him – but I don’t see the point of trying to bring him into the fold. It isn’t worth it. It’s not like they really want me around, either.  Maybe after a few years, when we’ve been together long enough that nobody can say anything to us anymore.
I have to go put another dime into the dryer.

***

My life is so upside-down lately – totally crazy! I don’t think my life can get any wilder. I have been going out every night. Monday night was a stoned wonder. Ya gotta love your friends!  “With a little help from my friends”, right?  Tuesday night, I bought a bag from Eddie & got stoned – he had a bottle of Crown Royal & we were chasing them with Pepsi’s out of the vending machine.  Wednesday night I stayed up really late – or early, whatever – to listen to Bard Ellison. He comes on before Gary Storm – it’s a little easier to catch the show – Gary comes on at 3 a.m. & you have to be really committed if you’re going to listen to him! I usually catch the beginning of “Oil of Dog” & maybe a half-hour of tunes but that’s it. I woke up on Thursday at noon & didn’t do much – cleaned my room – even washed the floor – then on Thursday night, I went with Jon out to Stage One in Clarence to see the Ramones! They were great! A roadie tried to pick me up! Jon was pretty pissed off but I was like – I can’t help it if he thinks I’m cute. I mean – really! & the way I see it – Jon should be proud that he has a woman that’s sexy & attractive! I’m proud that he’s gorgeous! What’s the problem?
Jon & I smoked 3 joints on the way over & once inside, we had 3 beers each before the Ramones came on. Before the show started, I met Gary Storm! & Bard Ellison! I saw then both come in & I smiled at them – Gary played it cool but Bard smiled back & we kept smiling at each other – then he saw Jon – he & Bard are friends. Jon introduced us & we talked – his mind goes at 100 mph! He is so intense – he’s so cool. No wonder he’s a great d.j. & a poet – I’ve read his poems – they’re absolutely fabulous.
When the Ramones came on, it was great. Everyone was on their feet – dancing & shouting – during “Sheena is a Punk Rocker”, everyone sang along – it was like an army singing. After each tune, everyone shouted for more. They didn’t wait long between tunes – like 4 seconds – as long as it took for them to count off – “One! Two! Three! Four!” & slam into the next one. Jon & I drank more – probably two more beers apiece. We danced too – I was standing in front of him & he held on to my belt loops & we danced, rubbing against each other. I could feel his giant hard-on. It was great.
A lot of the bands that played last Friday night were there: Billy Pirhana & the Enemies, The Vores, members of George, Mark Freeland, The Jumpers. It was a great night.
A great night until we went home. & then suddenly, we were arguing. Jon was upset about guys coming on to me. I said that it didn’t matter, that I was with him & no one else & why couldn’t he be proud of having a sexy woman? But it was a terrible argument – I called him Friday & apologized. I don’t know why – I shouldn’t have to apologize for something that isn’t my fault. But I don’t want to lose him. & I hate arguing!

J.W., the editor of the Spectrum, was having a party Saturday night. I’ve been looking forward to it for a while. I like J.W. – he always flirts with me – he’s always asking me just what am I doing with the music editor when I could be with the editor-in-chief? I know he’s just joking but it makes me feel good. “Be sure Jon brings you,” he told me on Friday. “It wouldn’t be a party without you.”
Jon & I had another argument on the way over there. He was pissed off because when he got to my room, I was still dressing & one of Brenda’s African boyfriends was hanging out, talking about marijuana in Africa. He was saying how it grows like trees & they cut it down with machetes & build huts & then set the huts on fire & get inside to breathe the smoke to get high. I don’t know if he was telling the truth or not but it was a cool story. Brenda was there too, of course. She’s crazy about this guy.  But Jon couldn’t stand the thought that there was some guy in my room & I was half-dressed. I mean, I had on a bra & panties & my emerald green velour bathrobe on over that – I was sitting at my desk & rolling joints for the party & trying to decide whether or not I wanted to wear my green sweater or my red one. My jeans were laid out & I figured as soon as I was ready to put my clothes on, I would have him turn around or something. It wasn’t like the guy could see anything. & it wasn’t any big deal. Everyone walks around the dorms half-dressed – in bathrobes, in pajamas, in sweats. It just isn’t any big deal. The whole argument was really a carry-over of the argument from Thursday, when Jon accused me of being “too forward” with guys & trying to turn them on. Believe me – I don’t try to turn then on. I’ve never met a guy that I had to try to turn on – they get turned on any old way you look at them – nice, mean, indifferent, whatever. Actually – sometimes the more you ignore them, the more they’re turned on. So as far as being “too forward” – honestly, there’s no such thing.  Except in his mind.
At J.W.’s party, I started drinking pretty heavily – a 6-pack all by myself – then Jon & I started smoking joints – along with other people – Mark Miles came up – he had a nearly-finished bottle of tequila & he was very blitzed – apparently he passed out right after Jon & I left – & he started hugging Jon & me, going on & on: “You two! Definitely the best couple I ever put together! What a matchmaking job! You were meant for each other!” Then he started mimicking Jon when Jon first met me: “What’s she like? Do you know her well? Should I write to her?” Jon & I laughed so hard – Jon put his arm around me & held me close & everything was alright again. When he took me back to the dorms, he fucked me in the stairwell – it was so exciting – his large raincoat surrounding us – I couldn’t believe that he was able to do it in public like that – anyone could have walked in at any time – it was some of the best sex we’ve had in a while.
We’ve been talking a lot about our relationship – too much if you ask me. Jon can talk anything to death. He thinks it’s a good relationship – but – there’s always a “but” – he says I’m too emotionally dependent on him. I agree that I’m somewhat of an emotional mess but I don’t know if I’m necessarily dependent on Jon. I mean, I have other friends. I just don’t want to sleep with them. I can hang out with Eddie or Bro & Crony or my roommates & not want to jump in bed with them – regardless what they may want. & why is being in love with someone “emotionally dependent”? Why can’t it just be – ya know – being in love? I think it’s Jon – he’s restless – he doesn’t know what he wants – he wants me – & he wants other girls – he’s obviously attracted to Sara, the arts editor – who up recently was Mark Miles’ girlfriend.  Maybe they’re still a couple – I’m not sure.  & Jon doesn’t hide his as interest in some of the other women on The Spectrum staff – which I’m not supposed to notice – so he blames me for that.  For seeing what he doesn’t want me to see & not being able to act on his fantasies. Because I’m still here.

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