Excerpts From a Diary 3
[March 20, 1979]
This has been the worst month of my life. Jon & I have broken up & gotten back together a dozen times. I no longer have any idea where I stand with him day to day. One day we’re madly in love – making mad love – the next day he just wants to be friends – the third day, he telling me that I should be completely independent – totally on my own. I don’t want to be on my own! He wants to be on his own. He wants to be with other girls. He doesn’t hide it anymore – he talks about it – all the time – like it’s an admirable thing! Like I want to hear about his fantasies! Because it’s so rocking & cool.
He even said that “we” never should have gotten an abortion – like it was “our” idea in the first place – it was ALL his idea & now he’s regretting it? Telling me that we were “reckless” – that our love is “reckless” – & we have to “pay” for our recklessness – pay how? By not being together? What kind of bullshit is that? & I’m supposed to “pay” – for what was his idea in the first place? I would be – what – eight months pregnant now? Almost ready to give birth? I don’t have any regrets but he wants to make ME pay?
I just talked to him on the phone & I am sure that we have broken up – I mean really broken up this time. He called to tell me that I could come pick up the Elvis Costello tickets & take anyone to the concert that I wanted – I said, “I thought we were going together.” He said, “I think it’d be better not to perpetuate anything further – after Saturday night, I think it’d be better not to see each other again at all.”
It’s not like we actually “saw” each other on Saturday night. I went to see the John Cale show at McVan’s with Eddie. I’ve been catching various shows with Eddie – who’s nice enough to go with me so I don’t have to go alone – since Jon’s been taking Sara – the arts editor – to the shows. His excuse for taking her instead of me is that he can only get two tickets instead of four like he used to & he needs to have pictures of the show & she’s a photographer. How convenient! I mean, really! I wish I had a camera! I should have thought of that & asked for one for Christmas! Not that I would have gotten one – I never get what I want. I’ve been trying to save up for one – I’ve been doing some nude modeling but most of my money goes to buying bags & eating out & stuff like that – when I’m with Bro & Crony, I’m one of the guys so I have to pay my own way. At least Eddie is a mensch & pays for my drinks when we’re together. Anyway, I went to the B-52’s with Eddie on Wednesday night & then to the John Cale show on Saturday night. The Jumpers opened for both & Terry Sullivan, the lead singer said hi to me – gave me the “Haven’t I seen you before?” line. I had to laugh. Anyway, seeing Jon there with another girl – even if it was supposedly professional – it was too much for me. I know she’s still Mark Miles’ girlfriend but she seems really into Jon. & why not? He’s gorgeous, he’s witty, he’s fun. He’s mine! Anyway, I drank way too much – I just couldn’t stand it – & I had done a modeling job earlier in the afternoon & I had money so I didn’t care – Jon is the one & only man I want – & it was breaking my heart – I was so drunk I made a huge mistake – I walked over to Jon & said, “Help me, I’m messed up, tell me to be strong” & he said, “You’re drunk.” Well duh! I didn’t need to be told I was drunk – I already knew that! He turned his back on me – he turned his back on me! I had to go to the ladies’ room to cry – I was so upset. I won’t cry in public – I have my pride.
It’s no use arguing with Jon. He always gets the better of me. Today, I was trying to tell him about how upset I was & all he did was accuse me of being drunk, like that was the only reason why I was upset. I mean, I wouldn’t have been the kind of drunk that I was if I hadn’t been so upset! It’s such a simple concept I can’t believe he can’t understand it. He just didn’t want to. He was going on about how I needed a psychiatrist & how insane I was. That I was a nymphomaniac & he couldn’t keep up with me anymore. I said, “Gee you loved that part of me in the beginning.”
He accused me of “acting seductively” in front of other guys – specifically, Bro & Crony – but also the other writers on the Spectrum staff, guys at the clubs where we see bands, old boyfriends with whom I still talk to. He brought up Brady Devine – & that terrible night when I first moved to Gates Milles & I got drunk & high with him – & he & two of friends all had sex with me. I remember telling Jon about it – it was when we were first getting to know each other & I wanted him to know everything about me – good & bad. & Jon got turned, hearing about it – I remember being surprised about that – but because I loved him, I let it go – & honestly, I embellished the story after I realized he was getting off on it – it’s not like I could really remember exactly what happened anyway. But now he was accusing me of being a slut – enjoying what was really one of the worst nights of my life – & what really ruined the rest of high school for me. I trusted him! He was my boyfriend! He took pictures of his friends fucking me!
Jon was fucking brutal about it. “I bet you loved every minute of it,” he sneered. “You’re the horniest girl I’ve ever met. One dick isn’t enough for you.”
He said, “You get to a point where you can’t tolerate anymore & I can’t tolerate this relationship anymore or you – I can’t take your jealousy & paranoia, your emotional breakdowns – ”
I exploded. “My jealousy! My paranoia! My emotional breakdowns! Well, can you fucking blame me? You played with my emotions – you played with me – you played me like a fucking yo-yo – one day things would be fine & the next day you couldn’t handle your guilt feelings & the next day after that you were bored with me & having all kinds of fantasies about other girls & then you’d tell me that everything was fine with the relationship & you didn’t want to change a thing & then you tell me I’m too heavy & you just want to be friends & then you decide you want to be lovers again – can you blame me for never knowing what is going on & never knowing how to act – who the hell made me into this emotional mess in the first place?” I couldn’t believe I got all that out in one piece.
He said, “I won’t listen to this.”
I said, “Of course you won’t, it’s the truth & you can’t stand the truth.” & I slammed down the phone.
I am really pissed & really hurt. I can’t believe what he has done to me! I can’t believe it! I have had emotional breakdown after breakdown – I burned my journal!! – I only have bits & pieces of it left – I wanted to die so badly & I couldn’t kill myself so I decided to kill the diary. Of course I went right back out & bought another notebook to write in but – & Jon has always hated the diary – he told me a hundred times that he thought it was a waste of time – I don’t know why I even listened to him. Now I have almost nothing left. He has totally wrecked my equilibrium – & he talks of tolerance! He has no tolerance at all! I can’t believe what he has done to me – all because I loved him!
Everything I wrote as a child – everything I ever wrote – my teenaged diary – the diary I kept after the shock of my father’s death – moving to Gates Mills – my high school lovers – the diary I had when I first met Jon & wrote about love love love love – nothing but love for his perfect body, hair, eyes, mouth, brain – gone, gone, all gone –
I’m going to Elvis Costello with Eddie & selling the other two tickets – Eddie will probably know somebody who will want them. He knows more people than I do. So I’ll get $15 out of this deal anyway – I am still really pissed off. I am totally cried out, so I don’t feel hurt anymore. Not for now anyway.
He has really hurt me with all his talk of “tolerance”. Like I’m something to be “tolerated”. I sacrificed a great deal for him – my baby, my family, my emotional sanity – & I cannot take it! How can he talk of “tolerance”? That bastard!
I’ll be honest – I don’t want to fall in love ever again. Every time I do, I get hurt – I get hurt real bad – & I’m tired of hurting. I’m never gonna love again – not if I can possibly help it. Never.