Excerpts from a Diary 11
[Holidays, 1979 – 1980]
Just got home from the Rockers party – the new rock’n’roll magazine that is hitting the streets – Jon & Sara & Harry G & a bunch of other Spectrum writers are in on it – all the Buffalo punksters were at the party. & lots of other rockers & musicians – everyone who was anyone was there. They played “Underground Radio” on the PA – Chaotic Bliss’s new single – although I thought that “Moonshine Meditation” should have been the single – it’s definitely their best song – but even I had to agree that the first single had to feature Bard on vocals. Everyone was dancing – it’s a good tune. It’s just not “Moonshine Meditation”.
I was depressed at the party – oh I appeared to be having a good time – but Barrett was there with Rina & Joey was there with Pam & Marc was there with Mary K. – honestly, I should have been there with Bard – on Bard’s arm – that would make sense – but I was alone. Bard was noshing with everyone like he was the King of Buffalo Punk – even though Chaotic Bliss is really not a punk band – they’re more like an old-time rock’n’roll band – like Ten Years After or Spirit or something. Or even The Mothers of Invention. Or Captain Beefheart. They’re that out there sometimes. I mean – songs like “Love During the Sauron Invasion” & “Lick Me with Your Lizard Lips” – of course Bard wrote those – they’re just rock’n’roll craziness. & like – none those bands didn’t really fit into their time, either. Chaotic Bliss can’t be neatly fitted into one rock’n’roll category. They’re too intelligent for that & that’s going to be their downfall.
I had a small moment alone with Barrett. We were standing back to back. Rina had gone to the bar for drinks or to the ladies’ room or something. I was getting drunk & I was pissed off. I know I had no right to be angry but the feeling was there & I wasn’t going to deny it. I turned to him & said, “You know, you like this, don’t you. Having your wife here & having me here. It doesn’t even matter if you ever have me for real, does it. It’s all about the fantasy. Cuz you can go home & bring out your little fantasy of Cori & I’m right there for you.” Then I saw Rina coming back so I moved away.
Later I went to McVan’s with David Kane of Electroman. I didn’t even know he knew me – maybe he doesn’t know me – I was standing alone & maybe he just felt sorry for me. On the way there, he had the radio on & “Rapper’s Delight” came on. Everyone’s been making fun of this so-called tune but David said, “Mark my words. This tune is going to revolutionize music.”
I didn’t stay at McVan’s very long. Dave was on his way downtown & so I called a cab & came home – I usually don’t take cabs but I have extra money right now because it’s Christmas – it’s always nice to be able to take a cab home.
I’m really stoned. I got home about a half-hour ago – the only place that was open today – it being Christmas – was China Dream all the way over on East Delavan Avenue – luckily they sell beer as well as Chinese food so I was able to get a 6-pack with my beef chop suey & egg rolls. I was pretty bummed when I got here – the house was dark – no one was home – Mac is still out having dinner at his sister’s & Bard must be out too.
I wish we had a Christmas tree or something. We don’t even have lights up around the windows. Up & down the street, there’s houses all decorated up & it looks so nice. Bard is atheist & Mac said he stopped celebrating the holidays when he broke up with Shera. Of course breaking up with Shera doesn’t stop him from going over there with presents for her. Nor does it stop him from going to his sister’s house for Christmas dinner. Bard is out somewhere too, having Christmas dinner with friends of his – because being atheist doesn’t stop Bard from eating & drinking, especially if it’s someone else’s food. Of course I could have gone back to Cleveland but I just didn’t want to. So here I am – smoking weed & drinking beer – all alone on Christmas.
Over there is Barrett’s bass – just seeing it makes me want him. He’s in San Francisco with Rina – they’re there for the holidays. I miss him. I miss the entire band. I won’t see any of them for a while – except Bard & he doesn’t count.
We had gigs for the holidays – we could be gigging this weekend at the Masthead. But Barrett is in San Francisco. So there you go. If Barrett was really into Chaotic Bliss, he would be here – he would be honoring his commitments. Not going to the West Coast with his wife.
I can’t believe I’m not working at the English Department anymore, although it’s a relief – it really is. I’m so happy to be able to sleep in again & not have the stress of having to get to work on time.
Today I cleaned house & applied for jobs all up & down Bailey Ave & paid the phone bill. It would be nice to get a part-time waitress job – & a part time job doing something else – I’d like to spend my days at home, writing. I like being at home, but at night, I want to be out.
I have to find a job fast. The rent’s due the first & although I have a paycheck coming Friday, it’s only $56 & most of it will go to bills. I don’t wanna worry – I don’t wanna worry – but we’re out of pot & it’s hard to push problems away when I’m straight. I’m not a “if I don’t think about it, it’ll go away” kind of person cuz I know what has to be done & I’ll do it. It’s just now – I don’t want to worry.
I called Jon but there wasn’t any answer. I wonder if he’s moved in with Sara yet.
Tonight is Beatles night at Stage One with 50-cent drinks & I’d be almost tempted to go – if someone called me to go with them – which they won’t – since Bro got married, I don’t hear from him anymore & Crony went to Texas or someplace & I don’t hear from any of the Ellicott Complex group anymore. But since I’m not going to school, it’s like I live in an entirely different universe. I wish I could go back.
Once in a while I hear from Eddie. He called me on Christmas Eve. He was pretty wasted but of course so was I. He said he was going to be coming for me in the spring, when he could ride his Harley out here. I would really love to see him again & ride with him.
I’m so lonely. I’m not as down as I was earlier. I’m gonna remain firm in my resolution to stay off liquor & diet & exercise & work hard at writing & being a good mother to Chaotic Bliss – but I need someone – I need someone now – tonight – & there’s no one to call & even if there was, I’d be too proud to call anyway. Oh why are all the guys in Chaotic Bliss married? Or at least in a committed relationship? Why is there no one for me?
Resentment – bitterness – tears – longing – desires – fears – loneliness –
Neil Young’s on the radio. Play some Linda Ronstadt so I can sing! Singing – like dancing – like doing drugs – just another way of forgetting –
Putting pain on hold, baby.
I got the waitressing job at Pizza Palata. It’s only part time nights but it’s a start & it takes the edge off my anxiety somewhat. I should go down & apply for food stamps but I’m a little reticent – too much pride, ya know. Hopefully a job will come through – part time days at AM&A’s or Hengerer’s or some other store – or maybe even babysitting. I should check out The Buffalo Rocket & some of the other little newspapers.
I haven’t lost any weight yet – of course it’s too soon to tell anyway – but with all the exercising I’ve been doing, my figure is getting redefined. Dancing as much as I do really helps – my legs & ass are firm – not flab like they once were. I want to start running. Well, no I don’t – I hate running – but Jon runs & if I can get into it, maybe someday we can do a few miles together. I know if I try to start now, the cold air will be too hard on my lungs.
But this is the first time in my life I have ever looked at my body in an athletic way. In terms of muscles & making myself strong. I feel good about myself & how my body is changing.
I’m stoned. Mac & his new girlfriend Trish bought an ounce last night & I’ve been doing bong hits all morning. Bard bought the cats some catnip so they’re stoned too.
I miss Barrett terribly. I miss the Bliss. I can hardly wait until Barrett comes home & they play again. I’m such a groupie but so fucking what. I miss my band.
Tonight I’ve got to work. I hope it’s not too boring.
Trish & her man John were over just now – they were going to go to the Tralf with Mac but finally they decided not to go & we all sat around, smoking joints. We talked & listened to music. I was very opinionated – about the band “Battered Wives” – then I caught myself. I listened to the music & watched John.
I wanted to say to him & Mac – but caught myself in time – I’m getting better at that – “How can you just sit there & talk so normally, so calmly, like you were just plain old friends?” Because I can barely stand to talk to Rina. & yet I am drawn to her – at the Rockers party I talked to her for quite a while. Perhaps because she is part of Barrett – they’ve been married a long time – loving him means accepting her & treating her with respect. She cannot be denied – as much as I try to ignore her – she is his wife & she has a greater claim on him than I can ever hope to have.
I wondered if Mac & John were uncomfortable – or if they were in pain. Trish spends several nights a week here with Mac & every other night with John. I heard that John really loves Trish & is really hurt by her taking Mac as a lover. Mac says he doesn’t care what John thinks or feels but I wonder. How can he not? I’m not sure where Trish’s head is at. She was clearly uncomfortable & I could feel guilt all through her. There was a strange vibe in the room but I couldn’t analyze it because I had never felt it before.
John got up & said it was time to go. Trish got up & followed him out. I saw her coat on the sofa & thought: she forgot her coat. Then I realized: “Oh! She’s staying!”
“Yeah,” said Mac.
I blurted – “I wish someone would stay with me!” I was thinking about it cuz it’s been a long long time – I can’t help but wondering about it cuz I had so many boyfriends in high school & now there’s no one at all. Or – there’s shadows. Shadow lovers. Secret lovers. I think – I’m at a point intellectually & emotionally where the only people I’m attracted to are already settled – people my own age don’t interest me – I’m beyond all that. I’m ready for something that maybe isn’t ready for me yet. I’m outside – alone – aloof – waiting – trying to find my own niche – & it isn’t working. That is my pain – my cross – my curse. The loneliness – the way I never fit in anywhere. & somehow – even as I understand myself better – the pain doesn’t diminish. It’s changed as I’ve changed – but it hasn’t diminished. Cuz knowing what the pain is – knowing what causes it & how it works – all that doesn’t make it go away. I’m beginning to lose hope. I’m afraid. I don’t want to get bitter & hard! It’s a struggle & only helps the pain – aids & abets the pain – which makes it more hopeless. It’s a large circle –
Last night I went out with Bard. I wasn’t going to go anywhere. Since Barrett’s been out of town & the Bliss isn’t playing, Bard’s been hanging out with Billy Sheehan. He got really drunk with him the other night. I was really amazed – Bard’s not a drinker. Anyway, Talas was playing Stage One last night – a big New Year’s Eve Party. I didn’t have any plans – why would I? Everyone I know has a mate. I was sitting in the living room, sipping tea & reading when Bard burst in & told me I was going to Stage One with him. I said, “Yeah, right.”
“You can’t sit here all alone all night, it’s New Year’s Eve. I’m on the guest list & I can bring someone. Get dressed, you’re going out with me.”
I’m not even into Talas! But they were fun. & I got free drinks & champagne at midnight & Bard even kissed me. I didn’t dress up – all I wore were jeans & my hot pink sweater. Compared to the other girls, I was downright dowdy. But I just didn’t care.
At home, I was hoping that Bard might kiss me again – might even want to start the new year together. But he said “Good night” & went to bed alone.
So – in the end – I brought the New Year in all alone.