Bitterly cold. It’s dead at work. They’ve laid off almost everyone. I know I’ll be let go after inventory next week. I’ve already been looking for work, but there’s absolutely nothing. Nobody’s hiring at all. The restaurants are dead. That’s what I would like – a job in a restaurant – waiting tables in a place like Your Host or The Wehrle Restaurant or someplace like that. Someplace where I could make tips & have flexible shifts so I could go back to school. I really want to go back to school.
I’ve been hanging out with this guy named Tom when I’m at work. Tom said that no one here grooves. He says few people have a sense of style & no one seems to know or care what’s going on. He said I was the first person he’d met at Sibley’s that he could talk to. He’s been a music head since he was pre-adolescent, too. He plays piano & clarinet. He was in band & orchestra like I was – he wants to learn guitar & get in a rock’n’roll band. He wants to get the hell out of Buffalo & go to New York City or Los Angeles or somewhere. He says that he feels like nobody has ever understood him & he has never fit in anywhere he has ever been. I know the loneliness he suffers from. Like there everyone else is dead & I’m still alive – or – like everyone else had a vital part taken out of their brain at some point in their life – some part that I still retain – & the few people I meet that are like me – & it’s impossible for them to think like I do, or even comprehend the difference. I know this from Donovan & to a lesser extent, Teddy. Both of them like my artistic self – like the poems I write & write for them – but they really don’t understand them. I think that particular self of me really scared Donovan. He realized – or thought he realized – that he would never understand me & so he gave up. He gave up! I would have never given up on him!
Anyway, back to Tom – we have a lot in common – but unlike Tom – I like the disco beat of the jukebox – I like to watch the people – especially the blacks, because they dress so well – & so many of them – real imaginatively. Tom’s a high-class punk & that’s that. But I like everyone. I really do.
Another argument with Teddy this morning. I left for work & I was halfway there & remembered I forgot something so I went back home & he was already gone – I had smoked a joint while I was driving & I heard “Uncle John’s Band” on the radio so I had calmed down.
Why am I so moody? I know my moodiness is a real turn-off. I don’t mean to be a bitch – I know I don’t realize how bitchy I am – it just happens. I try really hard to keep going – to stay happy – but I get so tired of trying. I hate work – one of the reasons I started school is because I hate work so much. I’m really angry because I can’t go this semester. I know I’m blowing it because I’m not going. But what am I supposed to do when there’s no money? I feel so powerless. I feel so frustrated. I know I shouldn’t take it out on Teddy. I should let him sleep in the mornings – why do I wake up so early? – I should let him alone sexually – I should stop complaining. What’s the matter with me?
I feel so torn up. I’m so angry. I want to go to school – I want to finish my degree. I want to go to school, I want to go to school, I want to go to school.
In Tonawanda. At the unemployment office. Teddy’s inside, signing for his weekly benefits. I’m sitting in the car, waiting for him. There’s a funeral parlor right across the street. Today there’s a funeral. The people are all coming out. There’s a lady that can barely control herself crying, she’s so broken up. The police just arrive to escort the cortege. I wonder if this is for the girl & boy – both sixteen years old – who were murdered by a 17-year-old boy? It’s a large funeral – cars are everywhere. The people coming & going from the unemployment office are mostly on foot. Here’s a sailor coming out – in dress whites & a navy blue wool jacket. His head must be cold, with that super short hair. Most of Teddy’s friends grow their hair long & grow beards in the winter for warmth & then cut their hair & shave in the summer. I never heard of that before, but of course most of the people I grew up with were academics or writers or artists.
Teddy has been in unemployment for an hour & a half. All just to sign that he hasn’t worked this week. He says there’s a whole new section set up just for GM – because of all the lay-offs there. I just saw a guy walk out, with the same look & walk as Donovan. I wonder what he does. I wonder what Donovan is doing nowadays. Is he still working? Did he ever go to college? Does he ever think of me?
Now they’re bringing out the casket. Everyone is in their cars, they have their little flags on, & their lights on. The cop puts on his lights & the cortege starts away. One day after another. I wonder what cemetery they’re going to. They’re all gone now. I wish Teddy would come. But you can see through the windows – into the office – the place is absolutely packed. Oh – here comes Teddy. Time to put away the notebook.
I woke up when the alarm rang, which corresponded to the last note of a Janis Joplin tune playing in a dream about – Jesse? I was dreaming about Jesse?
I went downstairs to Paulie & Cindy’s to offer to help drive to Niagara Falls to rescue the Camaro that Cindy left there yesterday when it broke down. They didn’t need my help, but I stayed a while – had a cup of coffee & talked.
I came upstairs & got back in bed with Teddy. I was hoping he’d want to have sex but no. We got up together & he left for work, after telling me what to do today. I ate an orange, smoked a joint & read Anaïs Nin. Now I’m going to take a bath, wash my hair & then write about Roxy. Roxy is a story I’m writing in the style of Anaïs Nin’s erotic short stories – very dreamy & poetic. Kinda like naughty urban fairy tales.
Well, good luck goes in pairs. The Grateful Dead is on the radio & Teddy called. Just to say the roads are barely travelable since it’s so icy & that he loves me.
It’s funny how many things I have to do before I can actually sit down & write – make the bed, check the gas meter & call in our reading, clean my desk. I guess cleaning my desk can wait. I can write at the table or anywhere.
At times I go blank. Just an enormous slow nothingness enveloping my brain – null, void, empty. Sometimes the emptiness feels white – pure – cold – like snow. Sometimes it feels like a hard rock. Granite hard.
I am frightened of no work – no money – constant worry – & what all that can do to harm our relationship. I am frightened of not being able to help Teddy get money to pay the rent, pay the bills, make the bike payment. I am frightened of being so dependent. I am afraid that the love he feels for me is not strong enough to understand the worst that could happen. At the same time, I know that these worries will cease as soon as I find work. Oh fuck! These moods that rock me. I’m pretty lucky, most of the time things bounce off me – I don’t absorb it until it’s pounding me in the head. Things are beginning to hurt. I’m making mistakes – bad mistakes – my emotions are pushing around my good sense. At times I feel a little vacant. I know I’m smart enough to come through this gracefully – winningly – but I could lose it. Generally I’m up but it’s so hard to deal with Teddy when he’s so down. I’m learning to get used to his temper. I hate it but I’m beginning to understand why he blows his top the way he does. After all he’s – the phone is ringing –
A few minutes later. It was Teddy. He’s having a good day. He’s really relieved because Paulie isn’t upset about the rent. Well – Paulie’s not upset because I told him that I would give him a blow-job if we didn’t have the rent by the end of the month. But Teddy doesn’t know that. He told me to go down & talk to Paulie & “smooth things over” with him about the rent & that was Paulie’s suggestion – I mean – Teddy could have gone down there himself to “smooth things over” with Paulie himself but he sent me – what did he expect? I had to promise something. & you never know – maybe I’ll come up with the rent by the end of the month – although that means coming up with two month’s rent. Cuz March is almost the next day, right? But I’ll worry about that when I get to March. It pisses me off that Teddy put me in that position but I’m not going to think about that right now. Anyway – Teddy said he fixed Ken’s car & that he had a lot of work to do. He said he would be home at 4:30. I have a lot of work to do before then – about two hours. Tonight we’re going to the Sabres game. They’re playing the Bruins. I want to clean up the house & type out poems for the Women’s College Poetry Book. I’ve been getting together groups of poems to send out for publication, but I don’t have any stamps. At least they’ll be ready to go when I do have stamps.
I knew that writing would make me feel better. I know that writing will save me. I’m pleased with my creative life. I wish there was only my creative life – well, my creative life & Teddy. I wish I didn’t have to spend so much of my time doing boring stuff. I mean, most of the damn day! Teddy gives me a list of things to do before he leaves the house. It’s amazing I have any time to write at all.
When I was working at Sibley’s at Christmas, I used to write poems on little pieces of paper & slip them into my boots. All those small pieces of paper are in a cubby in my desk – I haven’t looked at them since I shoved them in there. I really haven’t had the time. The little time I have for writing, I’ve used to write the story about Roxy – I think about her all the time. I am reading erotic literature & poetry to keep me focused. I am so horny I can’t stand it. I think I made up Roxy to compensate for the life I don’t have. I guess it doesn’t make sense to complain about not having a sex life when there are men who want to have sex with me but I don’t want them. I mean – I don’t want to give my landlord blowjobs because we’re late with the rent – & that’s not a sex life anyway. That’s a pathetic life.
I did write a few new poems this week. I just wish I had more time.
11:05 p.m. Right now Bernie, Tommy, Peter Marx, Brad Summers & Teddy are playing RISK in our dining room – jazz on the radio – bowls of hash going round. Today I have been getting high all day. Felix Jajko came over at 9:30 a.m. He’s one of Teddy’s oldest friends. He’s really well named – he rather looks like a cat – a long lean cat – with short brown hair & bright brown eyes. He’s always in a good mood. & really – everyone is Teddy’s oldest friend! Anyway, Felix’s wife Sue had a baby last night – their third child – a little girl named Sophie Elizabeth. Paulie came up with some congratulatory joints. When Teddy left for work, I took a bath & washed my hair – dressed – cleaned the house – made phone calls & then Brad Summers stopped in. Brad is a truck driver. He hauls gravel in the spring & summer & is laid off all winter. He has a plow on his pick-up – he plows driveways when there’s snow. He had hash, so we got stoned. We talked about doing acid – small v large weddings – he’s engaged – marrying for compatibility instead of for love. I think he’s marrying for compatibility while his fiancé – Marybeth – is marrying for love. After he left, I went downstairs to Paulie’s. He gave me a ride to Bethune Hall – the Art Department at UB – where I applied to be a model for the art classes. I don’t mind posing nude. I hope I get the job – it doesn’t pay much but at least it’s something. Then I came back & hung out with Paulie & his best friend & cousin, Javier Santiago. Javier is a sexy blonde Puerto Rican hunk who is also out of work. He’s just out of the Marine Corps – he has “USMC” tattooed on one bicep & a crucifix on the other. He said that if he didn’t find a job soon, he was going to reenlist. “It’s not so bad,” he said. I drank two large goblets of white wine – whoo! I hardly eat at all – I hardly drink – so I get blasted real easy. Javier had some killer weed – I was really stoned. Paulie reminded me about “owing” him a blow-job & suggested that I show them my tits. I laughed them off but I wasn’t showing them anything. Paulie had to go to work so I went upstairs & then Teddy came home. I had a wicked headache from the wine but after a nap I felt better. I feel great now. I know I’m gonna have to be careful around Paulie. If I had been anymore wasted, things would have been much different this afternoon. Both of them were ready to take advantage & I’m well aware of that. I know I act like Janis Joplin at times but that’s not really who I am. I think one of the reasons I act so free & easy & wild is because I am actually so uptight & prim & puritan & the two parts of me sometimes fight & sometimes balance out. I get in these situations because I’m acting like something I’m really not. & then I’m doing things I really don’t want to. I mean – they feel good at the time but then – I don’t know, I’m too stoned to figure it out right now. I’m just glad that Paulie had to leave & I was able to escape upstairs.
Last Friday, I went over to UB at 2 p.m. for this free event – bands until midnight, one after another. When I got there, the Beez were playing – very pop, very young, very optimistic. You could tell they idolize the Beatles, Elvis Costello & Rockpile, but also did songs resembling Journey & REO Speedwagon. Most of their stuff was original & musically, they were good, but the lyrics were weak, corny rhymes, pseudo-intellectual subject & macho love songs. But their Beatles covers were flawless.
The next band was the Nelson Rockafarber band, formally the Alfonse Tomato band. Mac plays drums with them. I saw them last April & they really sucked. But they have a new guitarist, Nelson Farber, & it’s an entirely new band. Their first tune was an instrumental, a long psychedelic jam, flowing into a hard-rocking r & b tune. They were great! The guitarist blew me away! He just stood there & played, it was great. Then Beth, their singer, came out. She’s a really good singer, great range. Really uptight, though. No report with the crowd, no moving with the music, nothing. Mac says she’s really neurotic, she’s got a lot of problems. She’s overweight & drinks a lot. I hope she gets her shit together cuz she could be really great.
The next band were the Elements, who were – as always – great. They have a new single coming out next week. I danced, even though I was wearing my winter hiking boots with the red laces. I love those boots! They’re so comfortable. I wear them when I exercise, they’re great for leg lifts. I can really feel my muscles work!
I’ve been reading Linotte, the early diary of Anaïs Nin. She started hers when she was 11, just like I did – well, I was almost 11. It makes me laugh so much, she makes me think of me, the way she writes about a boy she’s in love with, or remarks about the war, making totally emotional statements about the supremacy of France but then implores the Virgin Mary to save France – surely if France were so supreme, she wouldn’t need the help of the Holy Mother. Her descriptions of her hated school activities & her friends are wonderful.
The other day I was on the 6:00 news – the house across the street was torched. Now people stop me on the street & tell me how great I was on the news! Perfect strangers! It really flips me out. I love it.
These guys are arguing over this game like little kids. Now we’re ordering subs from Boulevard Subs & Pizza. Two roast beefs, mayo & oil & onions – one roast beef, oil, no mayo, no tomatoes, no onions – one cheeseburger sub, mayo & onions. Of course I’m calling – they all agree that I have the nicest voice.
I’m sitting in the living room. It’s another beautiful day. Sunshine is streaming through the windows. It’s already 60 in here. This apartment is so sunny. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to live here. The apartment on Traymore Avenue was so dark. Jordan, Teddy’s roommate & owner of the house, was always starting remodeling jobs & never finishing them. There was plastic hung all over the house & work materials everywhere. I did prefer that neighborhood. There’s so much more on Hertel Avenue – everything was so handy. Fish market, meat market, deli, shoe repair, pizza, subs, bars, Italian grocery, head shop – everything within two or three blocks. But I love it here in University Heights. I really do. I also love North Buffalo. & I think someday I would like to live on the West Side – I really like it over there. Also Allentown – I want to live in Allentown someday.
On Wednesday night, Teddy’s mom invited us to dinner. She served Beef Burgundy on wide noodles, French beans & water chestnuts in butter sauce & a salad. She put avocado in the salad. We drank Bully Hill wine, which was really good. Teddy’s mom – she wants me to call her “Betty” – & her boyfriend Jerry like to visit the wineries – they’re really into wine. They had an after-dinner wine to go with dessert, but I liked the table wine better. The after-dinner wine was too sweet. Scotty’s cousin Dave was there too. He lives in Conesus & is a student at MCC, in a program that trains him to fix hospital equipment. He’s been interning at Mercy Hospital & stays at Betty’s while he’s in town.
Betty gave me a bookshelf. It’s made of metal, very sturdy. Nothing I would buy for myself – I’m into wood – but I do need another bookshelf so I put it in the dining room. Our place is really beginning to look nice. We need a few more chairs for the living room. Our couch fell apart the other day. Teddy & Bernie sat down on it & it fell to pieces! It was hilarious! We’re buying another couch from Doug & Danielle. When they got married, they had four couches between the two of them, plus chairs & end tables & all kinds of stuff, so they’ve been getting rid of their excess furniture. We probably won’t get it until the spring. We’re got a dining room table from Betty. It’s large & round & has a hot spot in the middle. The chairs are orange fiberglass – really ugly – again, nothing I would every buy – even back in the 60’s when these must have been real hip – but oh well, beggars can’t be choosers.
I’ve been reading non-stop. Right now I’m reading a biography of Sarah Bernhardt. It’s really good. She had the worst mother. Before that, I was reading about the Chinese Revolutions, which was really interesting. The more I read about China, the more I like what happened there. & they have really great poetry – especially their women’s poetry.
Coming up next on my reading list is An Unfinished Woman, by Lillian Hellman, which I bought for fifty cents at a junk shop. My favorite reading is about women.
I had to ask my mother for help with my car insurance. We’re living on Teddy’s unemployment check, which is only $105 a week. Teddy told me the other day that if he can’t get year-round employment at Conover Trucking & Camping Sales, he’s going to quit at the end of next summer & get something else. I’m so glad. The other day we went Harley Haven with Tommy & Teddy talked to Max, the owner. Max is in the middle of enlarging his business. Teddy’s done work on Max’s camper in exchange for work on Teddy’s bike. Max says he’s pretty sure he’ll be hiring a full-time counter person/shop man & that Teddy would be perfect for the job. The position won’t be open until later in the summer.
I found a job at Buffalo Auto Wrecking – as a secretary – but the owner Frank had me driving all over Buffalo – handing out his flyers about his business – which wasn’t that bad – I’ve been in every car dealership, collision shop, lube shop – you name it, I’ve been there. Two full weeks at 40 hours, at $4 an hour. Last week, 24 hours at $4. Then Frank calls me into his office & tells me that all his employees have to have a “health examination” in order to work there & he used to be a “pre-med student” & he still has his stethoscope. I laughed in his face. I couldn’t help it – it was so ridiculous. I told him I had my own doctor & I left for the day. Since then, I haven’t heard from him. I’ve been called every day but nothing. I talked to Ray who said that Frank had not been in. Today Kathy called. She said that there was a big problem with Frank & his brother – his brothers said they wanted one secretary – Sharon – who works 20 hours a week – & that was all. Kathy said she was employed by Frank herself – going to car auctions & making deals. She said that he would call me next week – take me to lunch & that I was definitely laid off.
So. I need another job. The legitimate routes – resumes, interviews, placement agencies – are not working. At least not fast enough. I saw an ad in the paper – I’ve seen it for the past few weeks, in fact – for a “go-go dancer” at a club called The Pipka Palace on Clinton Street. I drove over there & smoked a joint before I went in. It certainly didn’t look like any kind of palace. Just an ordinary Buffalo neighborhood tavern – one that had obviously seen better days – but with a much bigger & brighter sign than the usual tavern. I went in & talked to the owner, Louie. He asked me if I had any experience dancing & I said no. He looked skeptical, but I pointed to the girl dancing on stage & said, “I can dance better than she can & I have a better body, too.” He said, “Well, you might as well audition now – you can go up in your underwear.” I laughed. “I’m not wearing any.” He turned to two patrons. “These modern girls!” They laughed. He left & came back with a purple g-string. “You can wear this.” One of the girls came & took me to the dressing room & showed me how to put the g-string on. “You stretch it high on your hips so it makes your legs look long. Make sure your pussy is completely covered & no pubes showing.” She showed me the jukebox. She told me: “You pick your tunes from the juke box, here. The first one should be upbeat, the second two slower. Wear your top for the first number, you have to be topless for the second two.” I chose “Hot Stuff” by Donna Summer, “Love Isn’t Always on Time,” by Triumph & “Satisfaction” by the Rolling Stones. I was nervous when I first got on stage, but I was completely surrounded by mirrors & I got into watching myself. I got loud applause. During the second song, when I took off my top, someone yelled: “You’re hired!”
After I got dressed, Louie sat down with me & explained the gig: “There are two shifts, 4 to 9:30 & 9:30 to 2:30. You’ll get $30 a night to start. You’re first drink is on the house, after that, you pay for them or get a customer to pay, whatever. No hooking. No boyfriends. I don’t want any trouble. Customers are not allowed to touch you at any time, anyway. Do not let a customer feel you up. Behave like a lady & there’ll be no problem.”
Everyone treated me so fine. I have to work 4 to 9:30 on Friday. Teddy’s a little upset – but turned on – intrigued as well. He & Tommy are coming to catch my set & I think Brad is coming too. This might be fun. I have to get a g-string somewhere. I’m going to need costumes. I’ll have to raid my own closet, see what I have that will work. It’s a good thing I know how to sew.
Oh! I’m so glad! I’ll be able to make the rent!
Last night was my first night at The Pipka Palace. I was nervous at first, but as soon as I got on stage – I was cool – I was beautiful. On Thursday, Teddy & I went out & bought me a black g-string. Only one! It was all we could afford! During my first set, I was wearing it with a shiny black camisole & the camisole fell off during my first song! Which is not what I wanted, but it got a huge hand! The girls worked with – Katie & Margie – offered me a few things – a slinky black number, cut up the side & edged & red “fur” & a white lace shawl, which can be tied on your body any number of ways. Katie & Margie were giving me pointers all night – what kind of shoes to get, what kind of clothes to get, how to take tips from customers, how to drink all night & not get drunk – unless you want to, of course! They both have loads of costumes. I love the feeling of dancing in just a g-string – just my bare body in the black-light. Once – as I got on stage for my set, someone yelled, “I like this chick, she just takes off her clothes & dances.”
Guys started buying me drinks – I spaced them well, cuz I didn’t want to get drunk – & I talked to them, making bright answers to their conversations about the steel mill, their sons, their divorces. One man I met was educated & articulate, a pleasure to talk to. He put a dollar in my g-string – that’s how I get tipped – twice. I was flipped out when men started putting money in my g-string – but I asked Margie & she said that’s how it’s done.
I kept glancing around to see when Teddy arrived. I had dropped him off at Tommy’s on my way to work, & they said they would arrive around 7:30 or 8. It was almost 8:30 when they got they there – pretty wasted, both of them. They had been drinking vodka & teas at Johnny’s – pure killer, Teddy said – and they hammered away all the time were there. They loved my dancing. They both said I had more spark, more shake than the other two – plus I’m simply much prettier. That sounded very good to me, since Katie & Margie used to be on the professional circuit & I’m just a beginner. Both Katie & Margie told me that starting out is great – everyone treats you like gold – but after a while the reputation of being a dancer & the assholes that hang around a strip joint will get to you. Just like anything else.
Teddy & Tommy hung around until the end of my shift. Teddy was so wasted, I had to drive home. I got $30 in wages – $6 an hour – & no taxes taken out. Plus my tips. $15! Not bad for my first night. We stopped at Jimmy’s for cheeseburgers & onion rings.
At home, Teddy was very passionate. He ate me for eternities & then fucked me hard. If this is how he’s going to react to me being a dancer, then I’m all for it. I mean – he’s never like that! I can’t remember the last time he was like that! Honestly – he’s never fucked me like that!
Earlier this evening, while Teddy was out delivering bags, I called Jon Kudzma – to get Harry G.’s phone number – at least that’s what I told myself – I really just wanted to talk to Jon. Harry called me a week ago – something about screening some poems for a band of his called Bad Poets. Jon gave me a number – he told me that if it isn’t Harry’s, I can probably find out from whomever answers his actual number. I didn’t know why Jon didn’t have Harry’s number but maybe he moved recently – people change phone numbers all the time. I did ask Jon how things were going. I was trying to be real casual & light but I was literally trembling as we talked.
Jon had a lot to tell me. His old band Zuperman had broken up a while ago but he’s now playing with Gloria Poleti & her band – “Gloria & the Glowtones” – which I think is a really lame name – but I’ve caught them at the Continental & ya know, they’re pretty good – Gloria is really good, I gotta admit – but she’s another one who never seems to see the audience – she seems to be singing to the back of the club – to some mysterious spot over all of our heads – & the music bops, rather than rocks – kinda like Blondie-lite. I mean – it’s fun – not serious. It’s funny how safe the punk movement has gotten now that it’s New Wave. Jon told me about gigs in Pittsburgh & Rochester & a bunch of little college towns & how they had cut singles & were making a little more money but he himself was out of work & looking for a job when he wasn’t putting all his energies into the band. They’re being managed by Gloria’s husband Rob & Jon had nothing but good things to say about him. “He’s got gigs for us all the time, we’re always working,” he said. “& he’s paying for studio time out of his own pocket – that’s how much he believes in us.” I thought but did not say – that’s how much he believes in Gloria. The rest of you can be replaced at any time at all. Jon said they were going back into the studio nest week. Except for a few covers, they are writing all their own music. “We’re having double rehearsals,” he said. “We’re learning a lot – going forward at a faster pace than ever before.”
I told him about my happiness with Teddy – even if I was miserably unhappy, I would have told him I was happy – my writing & my new job. He was immediately intrigued – about my new job, of course – not my writing. “What does it feel like?” he asked. I was kinda disappointed that he would ask such a stupid question. But I knew what he wanted to hear. “It feels great,” I said. “I love taking off my clothes & dancing. I get off on it.” He wanted to know everything – where I worked, what nights, what my hours were, everything. He showed far more interest in me as a dancer than he ever had as a writer or a musician. It kind of pissed me off. I said that I didn’t know my hours this week – Louie hadn’t called me with them yet – which was true. I laughed & said I would give him a private dance. “Really? A private dance?” His voice got very low & serious. “Just between you & me, would you fuck me again?” “For sure,” I answered, maybe a bit too fast.
“Why?” he asked.
“Because you were really good,” I answered, like it was a stupid question. Which it was.
“What made me so good?”
I laughed softly. Oh – he was fishing, was he? Didn’t Sara tell him how great he was? My voice got low – so low that I was almost whispering. “You fucked me hard – I loved it – the violence of it – the jamming of our bodies together – the sense of calm afterward.”
“You like violent sex?” he asked eagerly – totally missing “the sense of calm” – but Jon always did miss the point with me. I know that now.
“I like all kinds of sex,” I answered. “I like to get eaten out – I like everything. Is there anything wrong with that?”
“No,” he admitted. There was a silence. Then – “What are you doing right now?”
I wasn’t doing anything. But I knew what he meant. & I knew what he wanted – I always knew what he wanted. So I started talking to him. Jon just loves a good sexy story. I could tell – the longer I talked – the more he was turned on. He was almost panting. I had a hard time not laughing.
He says he’ll come see me dance. I’ll believe it when I see it but I know he still wants me.
The wedding invitations came. My mother & Bob are getting married April 24. Jesse & Doreen came over to talk about the wedding. I keep forgetting that Bob is Jesse’s father & we’re all going to be related. Jesse wants to get a rooms together at a nearby hotel so we can all party together. “I doubt there’ll be any alcohol at the wedding except maybe for the champagne toast,” he prophesized grimly. “I don’t know about your ma but my father takes that A.A. shit really seriously – too seriously. I mean – I’m glad he’s not a falling down drunk anymore but he’s a different kind of jerk now.” He laughed that low throaty laugh he has. “I know I’m going to need a few stiff ones to get through that wedding.” He laughed again. Teddy said that maybe we could go in on some coke & they got into a detailed discussion about what drugs to take & other weddings they had been at & how wasted they had been.
We sat & smoked several joints as they talked. Both Teddy & Jesse had really good weed & they were rolling & talking up a storm. I was tired – I had worked a double shift & I hadn’t gotten enough sleep. I was zoned out – smoking joints & sitting there half-asleep. I watched Doreen – she had obviously washed her hair before she came over & she sat in the sunny window, combing it out – the sun shining through her long red hair & making it glow like a collection of topazes & rubies. Doreen really isn’t very pretty – her features are really quite coarse – of course she has giant tits – really, too big – but it’s her hair that gives her any kind of beauty. I have never liked red hair – I remember too well Harriet Anders in grade school with her flame red hair & her know-it-all attitude – & then when we lived in Manchester-by-the-Sea & I went to the Manchester Essex Regional School, there was Erica Brady – she had really dark red hair – I guess it’s silly to hate a hair color because of mean girls in schools – girls I haven’t seen in years & years & probably never will again. & neither of them had hair as pretty as Doreen’s. Doreen’s is waist-long – thick – perfectly smooth.
But talking about redheads – another redhead I can’t stand – not that I can’t stand Doreen, I don’t mean to say that at all – but there’s this dancer at work – she calls herself “Rhed” – who knows why the “h” is in there but it is – & she’s got it tattooed on her shoulder so there’s no mistake – surrounded by red roses & bleeding hearts – she’s a biker chick & she’s covered with tats – she’s got these really stupid-looking chains tattooed around her waist – & loads of other stupid looking tats. Most of the older guys hate tattooed women anyway – they all tell me that I’m beautiful simply because I have no tattooes – but they really hate Rhed. The only guys who like her are the bikers who come in. Of course – they like me, too.
Anyway – Rhed’s the type of girl who acts like she’s your friend but she isn’t. She wanted to give me all kinds of advice that I didn’t need. & she was clearly jealous of me – I was making tips & she wasn’t. She’s also the type who lies about her age – she asked me how old I am & I said 21 & she said that she was 26 but she’s 40 if she’s a day – or she’s done a ton of drinking & drugging. Either way – she looks like hell. Red hair in several unreal shades & done in elaborate curls & held up with sparkly combs. Too much make-up covering up really bad skin. A C-section scar.
I had bought a new g-string – a black lace one with a row of rhinestones across the top. I was saving it for my last set – I don’t really know why but I was. Just before I went to the dressing room to change, I saw Rhed on the stage – I thought, gee, she’s got the same g-string that I’ve got. Which would be a normal thing to think, since the store I got it at – Sweet Nothins in Tonawanda – had a whole bunch of them in all colors. I would have bought a red & a blue one if I’d had the money. I could only afford one, so I got black. Anyway – when I went into the dressing room & looked in my bag for the g-string, I couldn’t find it. & it occurred to me – Rhed had gone through my bag & stolen my new g-string. Some friend! I was pissed off but I didn’t say a thing – I had no proof that it was actually mine & no proof that she stole it & it wouldn’t gain me anything to make a scene – which is what she wanted, after all. But I decided on the way home that I’m going to get myself a suitcase with a lock. It’s a lot easier to steal a g-string or a small top out of someone’s bag than it is to steal an entire suitcase. I’ll see that. No matter where i am in the bar, I’ll see someone walking off with my suitcase. Nobody’s going to steal from me again.
I don’t want to imply that I don’t like Doreen because she has red hair – or that I just don’t like her, period. I really don’t have any feelings for her at all – she’s just another one of the wives/girl friends of the guys that hang out with Teddy. She doesn’t pay any attention to me, other than to say hello & goodbye to me. Nor do any of the other girls, with the exception of Danielle – who’s becoming a really good friend. But Pamela, Nikki – Doug’s sister – Maryellen Logan & Brigid Reagan – Doreen is great friends with them. I suppose she’s known them since grade school. They all seem to have known each other forever. I have never had that luxury with anyone. I have always moved around too much With the men it’s different. It’s easier with the men. Maybe that’s why the women aren’t so friendly with me. But I can’t help that.
I’m sitting in our living room with Teddy & Tommy. We’re watching the soccer game – Buffalo Stallions & the Baltimore Blast. I went to my first Stallions game two weeks ago. They were playing the Wichita team – I can’t remember their name. The game was really good, although Buffalo practically gave them the game in the last 15 minutes. But the Stallions are doing really well this year. I am so pissed off at the Sabres. They just aren’t capitalizing on anything.
It’s a really nice day but it’s still really chilly. The St. Patrick’s Day Parade is today – it runs along Delaware Ave from Niagara Square to North Street. They have a good day for it. Paulie had his bike out today – he & Cindy put on several layers of clothes – full helmets & face masks. I have biking fever, but not that bad. It’ll probably be 5-6 weeks before our bike is on the road – mostly because of the insurance. Plus Teddy wants to get a windshield. He always comes up with more ways to spend my hard-earned money! But I don’t mind if it’s for the Harley. I can hardly wait to ride.
It’s almost 2 p.m. & I am sitting a few minutes before I start my bath & get ready for work. I just dusted & swept the entire house, including the back bedroom. I put our dirty wash & Teddy’s tool-box in the sun room. I didn’t move the motorcycle battery because I didn’t want to fuck with it. I opened all the windows & let the house air out a little. I love the smell of the spring air even if it’s cold. Tomorrow it’ll be even better – it’ll be warmer & I’ll be home longer & the windows will open all day. Brad is moving in soon – I’m not exactly happy about this – but it’ll be money we really need. It seems like the more I make, the more Teddy spends & the more we need. It’s neverending.
I was babysitting Dean this morning. They call him Deano now. I have never liked babysitting – but of course, Danielle’s a friend & I like to help out. Felix came by while she was here. Felix really does love babies & he’s really good with them. After Danielle picked up Deano, Felix rolled up a huge joint & got me blasted. Felix was in a good mood about the play-offs – glad that Edmonton is eliminated, sure that Boston will be soon – but is worried about Gilbert Perreault’s contract. He says he’s not sure if he’ll remain a Sabres fan if Perreault goes.
Because of having Deano here this morning, I didn’t have time to work on my collage. I really wanted to finish it, but I guess I can do it tomorrow morning. I had writing I wanted to do too. I don’t know how anyone gets anything done with children around. They take up all your time. No wonder there are so few “great” women writers & artists – who can produce art when you’re taking care of children all day? Not to mention everything else you’ve got to do? Of course, I am sure there are way more “great” women artists & writers than anyone knows about – probably hidden away in libraries & museums & who knows where – but really, how many talented women were never able to produce the art that was in them, because of having to be wives & mothers? & having to go to work? Like I do now?
Just out of my bath. In a little hurry, I’m running late – I went to the Laundromat with Danielle & she’s always late & by the time I got home it was 1:00 – I changed into my bikini & went out into the sun & napped until 2 – which is when Paulie brought up some barbequed ribs. Naturally he wanted to fool around – it’s always an argument – I know that we’ve only paid half of April’s rent but I’ll have the rest of it paid by the end of this weekend. It took me an entire half-hour to fight him off & then ran my bath at 2:30 – then hustled to clean up the house – put away the clothes, etc. I really have to get moving here or I’ll be late. Traffic is always heavy on Fridays & crawls up Bailey Ave. I have a hit of acid for later on. That should be fun. I love tripping when I’m dancing! Just a light little trip. Just enough to see trails & colors & laugh a lot.
It’s so nice to wake up, drink coffee, smoke joints & visit with Paulie, Brad, Felix & Teddy – & then, when everyone leaves, eat my breakfast, wash my g-strings, make a casserole or something else for Teddy to throw into the oven when he gets home from work – clean the house, make the bed, etc. – & then write before I have to get ready to go to work. I have good hours this week – Monday, Wednesday & Friday at 4 at The Pipka Palace & Thursday & Saturday night at 10 at The Canteen. I’ll make $155.00 this week & that’s without tips. With tips, I’ll clear $200 easy – maybe $250 or even $275. I’m so glad I started working at The Canteen. Kitty works there & she told me that I would love it there & I do. But I was getting so many hours at The Pipka Palace that I never had time to go over there. But a few weeks ago, I called for my hours & I didn’t have any – just Saturday night. & I was like – what the fuck! So I got my stuff together & went right over to The Canteen. It was 2 in the afternoon when I got there – just after the lunch rush – there was a good crowd there for a Wednesday afternoon. I talked to the owner, John Canton. The name of the bar – The Canteen – is a variation on his name & also a reference to the gear he & every other WWII vet carried all through the war. He looked just like Grampa Walton on the TV show. As soon as I auditioned, he told me I was hired & said he would call me with hours for the next week. So that was good. But I was walking up the street to where I had parked my car & he came running after me. “Can you work tonight?” Apparently some girl had called off just as I was leaving. So I worked that night & I’ve been working there ever since. So now I’m working both bars. Jesse stops in at the Canteen. It’s always nice to see him.
Last night Teddy held me all night long. Every time I moved, he moved with me, keeping his legs around me, his arms crossed around my chest. This morning he mentioned how nice it was to hold me all night. “Because it was so cold, I guess,” he said. Then he told me about a dream he’d had in which I was being held captive but a bunch of guys who were gonna rape & beat me & when Teddy tried to save me, they squirted a fluid into his eyes that blinded him. Maybe that was why he was holding onto me so tightly in his sleep.
Today is wintry again. Every time it gets warm, everyone says it’s the last time for this year & then it gets cold again.
After Teddy left for work this morning, I watched “9 to 5” on the Movie Channel with Brad & Paulie. We smoked joints & drank coffee. After the movie, we watched the Dick Van Dyke show, then I got to my housework. Now I’m going to write until I have to get ready for work. I have no envelopes or stamps but I want to get poems ready to send for publication. I wonder why I haven’t gotten a reply from William Morris of the Buffalo News? I sent him poems a month ago.
Teddy got bummed out this morning, when I gave him the money I earned last night. “I guess I’m just tired of never having any money,” he said.
“But I’m bringing it in,” I answered.
“But you never get to spend your money on anything you want,” he replied. Which is true. & I need everything – new jeans, shoes, make-up, costumes for work & conventional work clothes if I ever have a straight job again. I smiled & said, “The household needs it & if we start thinking in terms of ‘your’ money versus ‘my’ money, it’ll just weaken us. No matter who makes the money, it’s ‘our’ money. Besides, in a few weeks, we’ll be doing better, when you’re working more hours.”
I feel somewhat tired today. I pulled a muscle in my neck & I’m horny. I’m hungry but nothing appeals. I danced a while – that always makes me feel better – & I did my work-out. I suppose I should get to cleaning the house, at least I’ll have that out of the way. I’m not sure what I want to do today. Write, of course. But other than that? I don’t know.
Things will occur to me as I go along.
I’m really sick. I haven’t felt this bad in a long time. This is the mother of all hangovers. I have a headache & my stomach is really hurting. I did eat breakfast – eggs & home fries – & I feel a little better but all I want to do it go back to bed & sleep. But I can’t because I have to take a bath & wash my hair & get ready for work. No matter how bad I feel, I have to work. I have to pick Kim up on my way so I can’t be late. Kim’s my best friend at The Pipka Palace – especially since Kitty quit working there – she only works at the Canteen now. Kim’s absolutely gorgeous – chocolate skin, big dark eyes, curly black hair. But Louie can’t stand her – he’s super racist. I’m surprised he even hired her. I think he had to – there really aren’t many dancers at The Pipka Palace worth looking at.
I know this feeling will wear off. I just wish it would hurry up & do it.
Brad is filling the bowl. It’s been one long party since he moved in. He says he knows what will make me feel better. He’s as bad as Paulie. I can’t believe these guys like to eat pussy so much – of course what they really want are blow-jobs. I just laugh it off. I don’t want to get into anything with Brad. I think these guys would fuck anything that moves honestly. It has nothing to do with me.
This past Saturday was my mother’s wedding – I worked the night before & slept all the way to Cleveland & then we partied the whole time we were there – not really heavily, since it was an A.A. wedding & we couldn’t be obviously drunk – but we had some cocaine & we were doing small lines all through the reception – running to the bathroom all the time – & afterward, in our hotel room, we were drinking Wild Turkey & cokes – well, Jesse & I were – Doreen wasn’t drinking at all & Teddy was drinking vodka & orange crush – he couldn’t get iced tea. Of course we had lots of joints. It was a lot of fun. I caught the bouquet at the wedding – everyone laughed – but I was like – who am I going to marry? Teddy? Do I want to marry Teddy? Do I want to get married at all?
I’m sitting at the dining room table, slightly drowsy, but glad to have to go out soon – I hate late afternoons. It’s so warm, I love it – I wish we were tripping – it’s the perfect day for it – I love dropping acid in the afternoon & tripping as the sun goes down & into the night.
I have been really horny lately – I always am just before my period & then it seems to die down a little bit. Teddy gets bummed out because he thinks he can’t satisfy me – it’s becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy – because so often, he doesn’t. I don’t know what his problem is. It’s like he loves me in every way except sexually. I don’t understand it at all. He does make love to me, just not as often as I want & never as long or in the way I want him to – Is it me? Am I too demanding?
4 a.m. It’s so nice to come home & there’s a nice little note from Teddy telling me he loves me & that he’s sorry he finished up the milk. I’m sorry he finished up the milk, too. I wish I had known – I would have stopped & bought some on my way home from work.
I had a good night. It was kinda slow but I had four good customers. I like to sit with a guy for a while – have a few drinks – talk – hear his stories – go into his life. These were my customers tonight – Man #1 was black – about 30-35 – had a 20-month-old son – was separated from his wife. We watched the hockey game & discussed the Sabres & sports in general. He was surprised I knew so much about sports. I didn’t let on that I listen to Teddy & his friends talk about sports all the time & I have picked up most of what I know from them.
Man #2 was a salesman for Bethlehem Steel & a pimp – so he said. White. He said he was 40 – although I would have pegged him for at least 45 & closer to 50 or 52. He bought me several drinks & tipped me $2 twice. He was generally very nice. He had quite the rap – going on & on about all the women in his life. He told me, “You’re not the kind of girl to get picked up by a guy like me, but you’re so utterly perfect.” If that was a line to get me “picked up”, it didn’t work. I have no use for pimps. Or salesmen, for that matter.
Man #3 was an old guy named Bernie. He also tipped me – they all do, ya know. He was so jive! Really funny. Very horny old man, but he liked my reserve.
Man #4 was also an old guy – I talk to guys that other girls ignore. He was wearing a 3-piece suit – a tie – expensive shirt – very respectable. Educated. We talked about history, politics & art. He slipped me money under the table – some guys don’t like walking up to the stage to tip me in front of the whole club. He gave me $10. That was excellent! I hope I see him again.
Teddy & I got the bike out of storage yesterday. Today we spent the whole day cleaning it, polishing it & waxing the gas tank – it was beautiful! Sparkling & shining – black & chrome. We put on our riding clothes & went out cruising. After several hours, it began spluttering like it was out of gas, so Teddy switched it over to reserves. It still spluttered & ran poorly, so we went home. Teddy thought that the gas filter might be clogged, so he puttered with it while I cooked hotdogs upstairs. After we ate, we went out cruising again. Halfway down Main Street, it began spluttering again. We pulled into Wilson Farms & it stalled. Teddy started it up again & I hopped off the bike & he turned the gas valve on, because he realized that he had forgotten to turn it back on after working with it. Immediately the bike was in flames. Teddy got off the bike & laid it down, then set it back up again. People were screaming at him, “Leave it alone,” & “Stay away” & the manager of Wilson Farms came running with a fire extinguisher. Scotty grabbed it & used it, but it was no use. I stood there – shaking with tears – thinking, there goes our entire summer.
It took forever for the fire department to get there. We were sitting at the bus stop when they arrived. I was sobbing. The bike was gone in 10 minutes. Actually – only the plastic parts were gone, the metal parts didn’t burn & amazingly – the tires didn’t. In fact, we pushed it home. But Teddy says, it’ll take at least $700, if not $1000 to fix it & we just spent the entire winter making payments on it – in fact, we paid more for the bike than almost all our other bills combined. I don’t know why I’m saying “we” – I made the payments. But whatever. & where are we going to get the money to fix this bike? Oh – I know something will turn up – something always does. But I’m still in shock. Teddy is definitely in shock. He says he made a stupid rookie mistake – he forgot to hook up the gas line after he worked with the gas filter & when he opened the gas valve at Wilson Farms, all that gas sprayed onto the hot engine & immediately ignited. He’s angry at himself.
We can’t believe it. I’ve been crying off & on, but my crying bothers Teddy, so I’ve made myself stop. I feel like I’m not awake, though. My mind feels vacant – that’s why I started writing – to push it into action.
It’s just – oh my god, we waited all winter for this & now it’s summer & our bike is gone! Gone gone gone!!
I just got home from work. I’m had a pretty good time. Now I’m frying myself an egg before I go to bed. I didn’t drink much tonight. Last night, I got really blasted. I can’t binge two nights in a row. I know people who can party 24/7 & it hardly touches them. I’m not one of those people. Even though I was pretty wasted last night, I woke up & felt fine this morning. Got up & started partying again.
Naturally my egg is ready before my toast is. I hate that.
I finished another collage today. It’s called “The Dream” & it’s really psychedelic. What I do is probably really primitive, but I don’t care, I love making collages & I have fun doing it. I have ideas to keep me busy the rest of the summer. The more I do, the more I think of. The problem is, I don’t have half the materials I need to do what I want to do. That’s life – a frustrating, but still – make do with what I have, it’s all I can do.
I’m going to bed. I’m not very tired, but it’ll be nice to lie there & listen to the wind rustling the leaves. I love the middle of the night. Everything sounds so cool. Where I live, you can hear the chimes of the bell tower at Hayes Hall every quarter hour & I love that. Plus all the trains. There’s no sound like a train in the middle of the night.
The house is so quiet. Brad is out for the night & Teddy is sleeping. I’m tired too but so wired I couldn’t sleep if I tried. I’ll stay out in the living room & write & let Teddy have the entire bed.
I turned off the stereo. I couldn’t find any music I liked anyway. All I can hear now is the buzzing of the electric wall clock & the sound of the traffic. Minnesota Avenue is a connector street between Bailey Avenue & Main Street, so we get quite a bit of traffic going by. Plus with the light at Parkridge Avenue, there’s always something happening. At night, with the lights turning green to yellow to red & the car lights going by, there’s always reflections on the walls & ceilings, which is cool. I like the sound of traffic, especially when it’s raining.
Teddy is deeply depressed about his bike. No one seems to understand. Even Jesse – who has always owned bikes – doesn’t seem to get it. Teddy truly loved that bike. He’s told me several times that it’s like someone died. He also said it’s the worst thing to happen to him since his father died. Teddy put 4 years of work, love, time & lots & lots of money & effort into that bike. It was his pride & joy. He says it’s humbling. It’s like he’s been warned. Teddy says to watch it burn right before his eyes – to be helpless – especially since we both could have been killed – it was obviously a warning. Teddy will come out of this a better man – I hope – but it’s so hard, so hard – he’s so restless in the evenings – he doesn’t know what to do with himself – there’s no motorcycle to putter with – no toy to play with. Nothing to cruise on. Nothing at all. It’s so necessary for us to get another bike, to get a bike soon. How will we be able to do anything if we don’t have a bike? We can’t go to Letchworth State Park or down to Allegheny or Zoar Valley, because we can’t afford the gas with the car. We won’t be able to hit 5 or 6 bars in a night, take in a couple of bands then cruise to the river to smoke a joint as the sun rises. Oh! I could go on forever, but the real story is just that Teddy & I are bikers & we love to ride – we live to ride & now it’s summer & we have to ride. It’s gonna take a lot of sacrifice. We’re not going to be able to do anything else except pay off a new bike, but it’ll be worth it. I know it is.
I think I’ll lay my head down awhile. This whole thing is so very tiring.
I can hardly wait until Friday when we go to Sherkston & can finally relax & enjoy ourselves camping & partying – it seems like such a long winter & spring. Teddy is supposed to be getting mushrooms from Jesse. I sooooo hope so!! I love shrooms!
It looks Teddy is going to be able to get a new bike. He should be able to get a loan if his mother co-signs & he thinks she’s going to. Everything is looking up.
I just finished eating & I’m having a cup of tea. I usually just eat whatever leftover in the fridge before I go to work. Today it was leftover baked beans. I love beans.
I put all the camping stuff in the back bedroom. Teddy calls it our Sherkston Supply room. I’m going to make a chart to go between the lights, so we always know what we have & what we need. I have so much to do this week. The start of any month is always busy. I need to make a new calendar for the new month – rearrange my books – straighten the side room – do all the laundry – clean, etc. Since we just got home from Sherkston, there’s a ton of stuff to do. Sometimes I think I’ll never get to my writing.
I am sitting on the front stoop, waiting for Teddy to come home with the – new motorcycle!! I’m so excited! Teddy has been in near delirium for days. He has had an upset stomach all day long. He was picking it up at 4 p.m. – I’m waiting for him now – we’re cruising as soon as he gets home. For days, it’s been wet & rainy. Today – it’s sunny, warm – just perfect. We have a list of places to go, people to see – to show the bike off to. Oh, there’s so many things we’re gonna do now – things you can only do inexpensively if you have a bike – go to Letchworth State Park, go to Zoar Valley, go to Toronto, go everywhere! Our summer would be nothing without a bike!
I really wanted to get a Harley Davidson, but Scotty insisted on the new Honda Magna which looks just like a Harley but – he says – performs much better. I don’t think it looks just like a Harley, but whatever. It does have the V-twin engine like a Harley – but also front disc brake, an air suspension, it has a shaft drive & tubeless tires & it’s water-cooled. It has a tear-drop gas tank like the Harleys do & the reserve tank is tucked underneath the seat – you don’t even see it. It’s a sharp bike, it really is – but of course, it’s not a Harley. But it’s Teddy’s new baby, so I have to love it because he does. & I can’t wait to ride, no matter what it is.
For riding, I’m wearing my new jeans, newly repaired boots, a turtleneck, a pullover sweater, my leather jacket & my black gloves. It’s 68 degrees but once the sun goes down, it’ll be a lot cooler. It’s better to dress too warm than not warm enough. Riding when you’re cold is no fun.
Cindy just came home. “You’re not too impatient,” she remarked. I wanna ride so bad. Hurry up Teddy!!
Our new bike is great! It flies! I mean, so fast I can’t believe it!
Shirley from The Canteen called & changed my schedule from 5-10 on Wednesdays to 10-3. Shirley is the manager of dancers at The Canteen. She’s tiny – Italian – with giant glasses & a bouffant hairdo that I haven’t seen in years. She’s not someone whose bad side you want to be on. It may be John Canton’s bar but Shirley is the one who runs the joint. Between The Pipka Palace & The Canteen, it seems like all I do is work. There’s a few other clubs in town I’m thinking of checking out. You never know. Kitty says it’s always good to keep moving around.
I’m sitting at the dining room table. I just washed my hair. It sure is hot today. I just remembered the car windows – I had better go down & open them or else it’ll be hotter than hell in there later on when I go to work.
I’m reading a book about Lenny Bruce – real heavy, really hard to put down – but really hard to read sometimes – really devastating. The graphic scene where he’s shooting up & can’t find a decent vein anymore – that’s hard to take. He was shooting up 7 or 8 times a day, plus all the other drugs he took. Reading this makes me realize that I couldn’t be a hard-core drug addict – no matter how much I like to party. I want no part of that needle. I don’t have issues with the needle – not really – but I don’t want to ruin my lovely skin & I don’t to ruin my veins – you can’t repair stuff like that – once it’s gone, it’s gone forever. I remember when Teddy & I were doing MDA, I had a hard enough time doing that – knowing that I was going to get sick & be puking for 10, 15, even 20 minutes before I got off. & then the terrible depression the next day. I’m just not cut out for that kind of life.
I have been busy busy busy. Trying to write when I’m not working or doing housework. I called Leandra about the acid – she said there were 8 hits left. She’s another biker chick – she works at The Canteen & she always has acid or coke for sale. She rides with The Kingsmen – I think she’s with Doogie right now – but she doesn’t seem to have any one man. Anyway – I think I’ll buy one hit when I’m at work today, in case I have to work a double & the other seven tomorrow. Teddy said to start stockpiling for camping at Sherkston. I know Paulie will want to buy some.
I have to run. It’s all I do nowadays, run run run.
I just got out of my bath. Not much time for writing – I gotta stop for gas on my way to work & I am running late as it is. It took me so long to get my act together today. My legs ache from riding the bike. This bike is not very comfortable. I don’t think it was designed with passengers in mind. It is definitely not a Harley – V-twin engine or not. I miss our old bike.
I’ll feel better onstage. I always feel beautiful when I’m onstage dancing.
It’s been a busy morning. I did laundry with Danielle – we went over to a place on Grover Cleveland Highway – & I went to a meat market next door & bought hotdogs & ham. I spent $2.25 at the Laundromat & $2.75 at the meat market. I put the ham into the casserole for dinner tonight. I figure I can buy milk & hot dog rolls on the way home from work tonight.
Now I feel crummy – Teddy just called & bitched me out. I hate it when he calls for a “progress report” & I don’t measure up. I don’t get the big deal. It’s not like I do nothing here at home. The piles of clean laundry – the house always clean & dusted & vacuumed & swept – dinner always ready for him – whether or not I’m home. But if I forget one thing, I’m useless.
I even make more money than he does. I came up with the down payment on the bike. I don’t know what his fucking problem is.
& I’m always horny. I’m always waiting. I’m always disappointed. But you never hear me complain about that – not a fucking word.
Later. I got Teddy’s money order, as he requested. & the milk & hotdog rolls. I didn’t defrost the fridge, but I’ll do that some other day. Now I’m really late for work, but at least I don’t have to hear his shit when I get home. Not that I would – he’ll be sleeping. I don’t know why he couldn’t have gotten his own money order.
I finally got the fridge defrosted. It was a really busy day, but I finally got that done. I wish I had a dollar for every guy who asks me what I do when I’m not at work – like I’m lying around on a bear rug, eating bon-bons. I wish I could do nothing at all. Actually – I wish I could read & write & create art. But – nooooooo! There’s always other things I have to do.
Now it’s off to work again.