Excerpts From a Diary 31

by silverapplequeen

[Winter, 1988]

[January]

I’m sitting in the living room easy chair – the multi-colored zig-zag afghan over my lap – sipping a vodka & tea & munching pretzels  Teddy’s on the couch, reading the newspaper.  The Seattle-Houston game – of course – is on – it’s tied – in overtime – a really good game.

It’s the last day of Christmas – for me, anyway – tomorrow I’m taking down the tree & the lights & putting away all the Christmas knick-knacks.  I think I’ll leave the snowflakes in the windows, though – they look so pretty.

This is what I want to do in the New Year –

  1. Keep my diary more diligently
  2. Read as much as possible
  3. Be more cheerful & complain less
  4. Write as much as possible
  5. Diet & exercise
  6. Find a new job
  7. Finish up my degree

Quite a list – I could add a few more, I guess – there’s so many things I want & so many things I could improve on.  I feel bad about losing my job at the law office but I guess it was a long time coming & I kind of feel relieved – although I do miss it.  Edmond was really good about it – he said he would have kept me on – but the other partners didn’t want a stripper working for them & my “fame” as a dancer has just gotten too large for them.  Plus – to be honest – there were just too many mornings where I came in just a little too hungover to be respectable – & I know it.

***

We’re both camped out on the couch – smoking a joint – watching TV.  Today was a moody day.  I woke after having dreams of my family – Rocco was a little boy – a cat who attacked my orange shoes – I was wearing them – like I would ever wear orange shoes! – & just before I woke – Jesse.  Woke into a fog that only a hot bath could get me out of.  I took the Christmas tree down & put all the ornaments away & that is never fun.  Although by the time I had everything put away & dusted & vacuumed, I felt a lot better.  & besides – Teddy was home by then & he always cheers me up.  I finished The Color Purple today – what a great novel.  I’m 4 for 4 – four books read in four days – for 1988.  I know I can’t keep this rate up but it’s fun.

It’s totally winter – cold & getting colder.  We haven’t gotten any oil for the furnace, so it’s really cold in this apartment – the gas burner in the fireplace keeps the living room toasty & the electric heater keeps the bedroom warm.  I think we might be able to go all winter without buying oil.  It isn’t exactly safe with the gas burner but Teddy keeps a window cracked so there’s fresh air.  I have to have fresh air no matter how cold it is.

***

I’m beat – I have a stag at 10:30 tonight – no cocaine – oh, life is tough.  I’ve had a hangover most of today.  Yesterday Rocco came to visit – we went to Nietzsche’s on Allen Street for a Jack Kerouac show – “…but I wanna be sincere” – it was really good – at least the first two hours – which was all about Kerouac – his bio & readings from his novels – but after that, local poets began reading their own works which were pretty bad – we left during the second poet & went to Falco’s.  Teddy met us there & we went home to drink & snort until 4 a.m.  Needless to say – today was a waste.  Oh well –

***

Oh, woe is me!  I scarcely know where to start!  Only – I can’t believe this is happening to me!

On Wednesday, I went back to work at The Pipka Palace – the first time there in over 3 years – the first gig in a club since The Canteen closed.  The Toyota’s brakes had gotten really bad – we haven’t had the money to have them fixed – of course we always have money for coke – & I didn’t want to drive it – I asked Teddy to drive me but he didn’t want to – he told me to take it easy – to use the emergency brake – I’d be ok.

Well – of course I didn’t take it easy.  I mean – I was ok driving there – although it wasn’t easy stopping on slippery roads during rush hour using an emergency brake.  But I did it – I’m a pretty good driver.  & I would have been ok – I guess – but it was a total party during my shift.  Everyone was happy to see me again.  & I had a total ball.  I had so missed working in a club.  It’s such a different vibe than doing a stag.  Of course The Pipka Palace isn’t The Canteen but still I had a great time.  I made lots of money in tips & naturally drank a lot – more than the legal limit but that’s not very much nowadays.  I was drunk but I’ve been far drunker before.  Just before I left, I was talking to two dancers I hadn’t seen in years – Black Annie & Joon – & Annie rolled up a joint laced with coke & naturally I took a few tokes.  That’s the last thing I remember – no – I do remember trying to call Teddy & not being able to manage getting the quarter into the slot of the phone as he answered – The Pipka Palace has one of these new-fangled phones were you pay when the person answers & if you don’t get the money in there in time, you lose the call.  & I lost his call, like 3 times.  So then I got my stuff together & got into my car & started to drive home.  I remember driving up Jones Street & turning onto Clinton Street.  But after that, there’s nothing.  & even what I remember is a blur.  The next thing I remember – kinda – is smashing my car into the pole at William & Bailey – absolutely totaled the car.  It’s amazing I’m still alive – it’s amazing I’m not seriously hurt – no broken bones or anything.  Seriously – I jumped right out of the car!  I didn’t even know I was hurt until the next day.  Of course – I was feeling no pain!

So naturally – there’s a coffee shop at that corner & there was a cop car sitting there.  It took them no time at all to get their coffee & donuts to go & come out to check me out.  I was in hysterics.  I was beyond scared.  The dude was cool – he’d seen me dance & he was a friend of Paulie’s – but the babe was an asshole.  She was not impressed that I was the dancer for all the police stag parties & she didn’t like Paulie, either.  So of course I was charged with DWI.

The rest – going downtown – getting booked – I refused a Breathalyzer because I didn’t know what I was supposed to do – it wasn’t like I could call my lawyer & ask him – I wasn’t read my rights or anything – it isn’t like on TV.

Anyway – I would’ve spent the night in jail but Paulie got me out after a few hours.  He traded a bottle of Scotch for me.  I was never so happy to see anyone in my whole life.

The phone’s ringing –

***

[February]

So depressed – so very depressed.  I’ve been to court – my DWI was dropped to a DUI – my fine was $250.  Without the breathalyzer, there wasn’t any real evidence against me so there wasn’t any DWI.  My lawyer told me that was really the best thing I could have done.  He charged me $400.  It just kills me – I went back to work to make the money to pay off my book & record club bills & to get myself new things – shoes & clothes & fabric & trim to make costumes – & I end up further in debt than ever!  I’m so tired of being broke!  I can’t do dick shit without fucking up!  When did I take on this bad luck?  Oh, nothing’s ever really been different – read my old diaries – nothing’s ever been different – nothing ever will.  Oh, I’m beginning to believe it myself.  That I am nothing but bad luck personified.

I was so desperate – I called Jesse.  Of course – he was busy – just running out the door to buy tools or something – who knows – who cares.  It’s been over a month – too long a time – I’m just so horny – so depressed – so uptight – I can’t help it – I need a release so badly.  How can I be so beautiful & so unwanted?  Oh – that’s not true – I get calls & come-ons from guys all day – I swear – the phone rings all day with these jerks.  But the men I want – my husband, especially – have one excuse after another – all “good” excuses to be sure – I can’t help wondering if it’s me.  What’s the matter with me?

Oh well – roll another joint – read another book – take another escape route.

***

I’m so horny I want to die.  I’m so depressed I can barely get myself motivated.  I ran out of typewriter cartridge yesterday so I can’t write – both of my favorite pens ran out of ink – oh I guess I’ll sew – make myself a new outfit for work today – but I don’t feel like it!  I wanna get laid!  I want hours of touching – feeling – everything you do when you’re hot in love/lust with someone – oh this pain that never goes away!  Oh this pain – this knowledge – this knowing that makes it worse.  The only person giving me orgasms is myself.  I’m sick of this solo act – sick of it!

***

Working on poetry with MTV on.  I’ve retyped everything from 1971 to 1985, which is when the typed copies end, except for “Jesse” & those poems from August & September of 1986.  Everything else – much of 1985 – most of 1986 & all of 1987 – are still in my notebook/diary – waiting to be found.  I forget most of what I write.  I expect a lot of surprises.

Well, back to work.  First, some aspirin.  I’m here with my cup of tea & a joint – ready to do what I’ve always done – write, write, write.

***

Almost the same entry as yesterday!  Poetry, MTV, a cup of tea & a joint.  I found so many poems yesterday – so many more than I expected – stuff from 1983 & 1984 – things I totally forgot about.  I mean, I wasn’t even going to go through that notebook but then I thought I’d put all the diaries in chronological order & it was when I was flipping through the notebook to find out what dates to write on the cover that I found the poems.  For years now I’ve been writing things into notebooks & thrown into a box & forgotten about them.

***

Coffee & joints!  Sixties sitcoms on the TV – the shows of my childhood.  What influences!  Such unreality – never meant to be taken seriously.  No wonder the poor children of the sixties can’t handle the eighties & have to be wasted all the time.  This world is too cold & dark & real!  Oh well – Actually, this sixties silliness gets a bit tedious.  But I love looking at the cars & the clothes.

What should I do today?  I think I feel like sewing – I’ve written all week – except Monday, when Teddy took the day off – I never get anything done when he’s around.  I think I’ll make myself a purple g-string & a bra to match – trim it with black lace – actually, I don’t feel like doing anything – except read – lie around & escape – but I might as well get something done today.

Later.  I can’t get a break!  I was ready to jump into the tub & Felix called & said he’d be over & then Donny McCain stopped in.  We were all smoking a joint when Jesse called. “Any goodies over there?”

“The only goodie over here is me,” I replied, “& you haven’t been so hungry for my kind of goodie lately.”

“Well, I’ve been busy,” he answered.

“Yeah, sure,” I shot back.  “Well – call Teddy later – I’m not sure what’s going on – something or another.”  So that’s that – although if Felix & Donny hadn’t been here, I would’ve asked Jesse over to sample some “goodies” – but maybe the conversation would have ended the same way – probably.

Well the “goodies” just arrived – & I am so glad – so glad!  Nothing like a thick white line to sweeten the pain – pang? – of a lover who doesn’t want to love anymore.

***

I feel like shit.  I had a good weekend – fun at work on Friday at the Pipka Palace – fun partying with Teddy on Saturday – fun at a stag on Sunday – & delicious souvlaki afterward.  I made lots of money – which is all gone now – of course.  On Friday night – actually 3 a.m. Saturday – we discovered mice in the kitchen – since then & now we’ve caught five of them!  It’s just awful.  I’m not afraid of mice but I hate thinking of them all over my nice clean kitchen – making it not clean anymore.  I’m so glad I have everything in Tupperware – mouse-proof!  Oh, as soon as the weather gets warm – warm enough to open windows & spring clean – I’m gonna spring clean with a vengeance!

I’ve been working on Teddy to let me get a cat since before Christmas & now I really want one – he says a little kitten can’t catch mice – but it’ll make me feel better – & what the hell – little kittens who can’t catch mice turn into big cats who can.  Besides – I want something to love – something small & cuddly & babyish & who needs me & something a lot smaller than Teddy – who is certainly cuddly & a baby.  But he isn’t furry & he isn’t small.  & he doesn’t give me what I need.  Kittens are another kind of baby.

Maybe I’ll go out later – after Perry Mason.  I have $6.25 in change – I could go to Falco’s & drink a little.  Although I shouldn’t – I’m gaining weight.  Teddy says I “still” look great & I know I have a lot of pounds to go before I look bad – but this is how it starts, A? I was reading an old diary of mine the other day – I had taken notes from an astrology book – it said Taurus women depend on sex & food for security – it’s true – I’m not getting laid – so I eat & drink.  What am I going to do?  This depression has been going on for years.

***

We got another mouse last night.  Downstairs, the problem is really bad.  We were down there earlier – Cindy was having trouble setting her traps so Teddy set them.  A mouse ran through the living room while we were there & Teddy found a dead one – stiff as a board – under Melissa’s dolly’s cradle.  I guess the poison Paulie set out worked – but what I hate about poison is that you never know where that mouse is gonna end up dying.  Of course – it is so dirty down there anyway.  I’ve been worried about all my magazines in the side room – a mouse & his family could make a great nest in my piles of Rolling Stones – & everything else I have there.  The closet is packed with magazines.  It’s a mess in there.  The entire room is a mess.  I’ve been putting off cleaning & organizing in there until spring – until the poetry is all typed & in notebooks – everything else has been put on a back burner until that’s done.  But I suppose I should start working on it – I’ve put it off way too long.

My arm is cramping – time to stop writing.

***

Watching the Olympics – the US-DDR hockey game – the US is losing.  Time’s running out – it looks like we’re out of the medal round.  The US teams are doing really lousy this Olympics.  No wonder – unlike so many other countries – particularly the Soviet ones – the US government doesn’t support its athletes at all.  It’s so maddening.  Communism is evil but private industry is all-good.  Kodak is the “official film” – Coca-Cola is the “official soft drink” – etc.  This is how we support our athletes?

I have so much to do this week – well, so much I want to do – I really don’t “have” to do anything – I have to clean the kitchen – defrost the fridge – mop the floor – because of the mice, the fridge & the stove have been moved out from the wall to set the traps & of course it’s dusty & dirty since those appliances haven’t been moved since we moved in.  I guess right now it seems like a big job because I’m so burned out from working & partying all weekend – I don’t want to do anything – I don’t want to do anything – much less scour walls with 6 years of dust & dirt on them.  I’m sure there’s plenty of mouse turds back there too!  Yuck!  Well, once I get into it, I’ll get into it – really precise statement there – I mean – just making something dirty & yicky into something clean & nice is always fun.

Of course that’s not all – there’s laundry – dusting & vacuuming – watering the plants – garbage – & always writing.  But honestly – right now all I want to do is another blast & another drink but we’re out of coke & out of vodka so that’s life – I guess I’ll have another beer & play solitaire – I’m sick of thinking about housework.

Besides – it’s late – too late on a Sunday to be doing coke – since Teddy has to work tomorrow – & gee whiz – we have been partying all weekend!  It was a good weekend – good parties, great guys, a lot of tips, a lot of money – I saw that the bills were paid.  It’s always good to get the bills paid!  It’s nice to make money & have a lot of fun partying while you’re at it!  If I could only manage to make more than we spend!  If only Teddy didn’t have to get everything he wants!

***

I just woke up – played back the answering machine – the first message was from Jesse – “Hey babe” – oh that seductive voice! – so I called right back – but he was just leaving!  Of course!  “You should get up earlier,” he said.  “Oh geez!” I exclaimed.  “It’s winter & I’ve done all my housework this week!  I deserve to sleep a little.”  I added, “You should just come over & wake me up!”  It kills me – I was dreaming about him –

***

[March]

Such a busy weekend – 5 stags.  In such pain – such pain – I’m finally feeling the impact of the car accident – I’m seeing Dr. West once a week – he’s a chiropractor that both Jesse & Danielle go to – he’d like me to get into the office for adjustments twice a week – I can’t afford it – I’m really hurting & he knows it.  He knows I’m hurting in more ways than just my back – we carry on whispered conversations – since every word spoken naturally is easily heard in that tiny office – it’s like Grand Central in there.

I found out on Friday that Rocco is going to become a priest.  I’m sure Mom & Bob must be besides themselves with pride & joy.  I feel more like a misfit than ever – how did I ever get stuck in this family?  Why do I have to change so much – impossible change – to fit in & merit pride?

Sometimes I’m so down I don’t know what to do.  When I’m alone – doubts surround me.  As soon as Teddy arrives – they all vanish – at least in to the corners of the room.  But when I’m alone – I’m lonely.  & I’m horny.  & all my dreams seem far, far away.

***

Teddy will be home soon to take me to work – I’m all packed – made-up – dressed-up – & bejeweled.  I have some good tunes on – I’m singing & dancing – getting myself into the mood – like doing deep-knee bends – stretching exercises for the head & heart & soul.

I feel pretty good today – minimum back pain – & I finally seduced Teddy last night!  We dropped acid – the first time in ages – eons! – & acid always makes you horny – whereas Teddy & I agree cocaine doesn’t do it anymore – especially Teddy – he doesn’t want to make love when he’s wasted on coke at all – he’ll talk all night about it but not do it.  On acid, of course, talking can become pretty futile pretty damn quick – how can you talk when you’re dying with laughter?

Anyway – it was great – a great break.  A mini-vacation.  I feel much better – much better.

***

I’m waiting for Danielle to come & take me to Dr. West’s.  My appointment is at 1:30 & it’s 1:25 right now but of course Danielle is late.  Danielle is always late.

Evening.  I’m in love – with Dr. West.  I love the way he touches me – the way he smiles.  I know he’s attracted to me – that’s easy to assess.  I just love being in love.  I love loving 2, 3, 4 men – I love to love –

***

I’m watching “Perry Mason”.  It’s on every day at noon – I wouldn’t miss it.  I’ve always loved murder mysteries.  After “Perry Mason”, “I Love Lucy” is on.  Other women watch soaps – I watch old TV shows – I don’t need living color to enjoy a story.

I’ve been reading The Spiral Dance by Starhawk & taking lots of notes.  I started doing some of the meditations in the mornings.  I really want to learn all I can about women’s spirituality & wicca & witchcraft.  I like the idea of a women’s religion & a goddess-oriented spirituality.  As soon as I have the time, I going to go to the library & get as many books out as I can carry.  I’ve got a list going.

***

Busy as a bee!  I’ve been spring cleaning all week – the house is lovely – oh, the weather’s great – warm – sunny – spring!  Although it’s supposed to get chilly again – over the weekend – that’s life!  Oh, I’m dying to go camping!  This is the slowest time of the year – seems like it takes forever for the temperature to get high enough to do all the things I love to do – lie in the sun – camp – ride the motorcycle – go on a picnic – oh I can’t wait!

Well – the weekends are full – the phone’s ringing off the wall – so many jobs!  The happy homemaker & the infamous stripper – soon to be student again, I hope! Oh well – back to work –

***

Wasted.  I can’t sleep.  Teddy’s in bed – his nose hurts – he’s done for.  But of course – I can’t sleep.  I’m sitting in the kitchen – heating up chicken soup & reading Camille – should I have another drink?  Do I really want one?  I do & I don’t.  “I don’t” is winning – I haven’t had a bite or two of breakfast since this morning – or yesterday morning – whatever – & nothing else except vodka, 7-Up, birth-control, Contac & four aspirins.  Yes, I’d better forget about another drink & have some soup!  Besides – if I go to bed without eating, I wake up at 8 or 9 a.m. starving & sick to my stomach because of it.  But I might be sick anyway.

No more vodka!  No more toots!  Ice water & chicken soup.  Oh, I need to lie down.  I’d like to sleep a long time.  I’d say forever but isn’t that death?  I’m not ready for that – I suppose if I was, I’d be shooting smack.

***

Oh, it’s so nice today – it much be 70 or more – it’s hot, anyway!  I’d really like to lie in the sun but since I have a cold, I’d better not.  My right eye is all enflamed – when I woke up it was all red, puffy & half-closed – I was really upset because I have a birthday party to dance at 4:30 p.m. – & it really hurts.  I went over to Danielle’s & she put some drops in it.  I rode my bike – Paulie was home & brought it up for me – it was so great to ride around.  I’m tired now – time to nap before having to take a bath, shave, wash my hair, curl my hair, put on my make-up – hope my eye is better by then – put on my jewelry, my perfume, my attitude –

***

[April]

Teddy just ran up to Wilson Farms to get some aspirin – I told him to buy a can of chicken noodle soup & Pepsi when he was there.  Tonight we babysat for Doug & Danielle – they went to the hockey game.  Well – he’s back now –

2 a.m.  Teddy is going to bed.  I am staying up a bit.  A really good documentary is on – about the earliest movies – their story-lines, production – the rise of the nickelodeon – the “first” film that told a “whole” story – Thomas Edison – the rise of the moguls – the building of the movie houses – the evolution of MGM & the other filmmakers.  But the best part is all this old footage – old, as in pre-WWI – the way people dressed & acted.  Oh, what are movies anyway?  Just doorways – or windows – to the past – windows you look through – since you walk through doorways & there is no way I can walk into the past.  & these windows are pretty cloudy with dust & dirt.

I ramble.  I wanted to make a note – about how the big movie houses were for movies as well as vaudeville shows.  But then the movies became more popular than vaudeville.

I ramble.  I have to pee.  Wait – what do I have to say?  I can’t remember.  I told Teddy I’d only be up another 5 minutes & I’ve been up way longer than that – well it always is.  The documentary is over – I’m going around the dial.  MTV?  Hate this video.  CNN?  News more than once a day is boring.  What’s this?  “Perry Mason”!  Great!

***

Wasted.  I have really nothing to say.  Then why do I write?  Habit, I guess.

***

Just home from Dr. West’s.  Sex talk – the whole time he worked on me.  He went into his office & put on cologne when I arrived.  Just before I left, he turned on the “sander” – the massager — & caressed my sides – my breasts – my hips – & last my crotch – my clit melted – it’s still tingling –

Part of the conversation when like this – he said, “It’s hard, being married, so many pretty ladies, but I don’t know who to trust.”

I replied, “I know exactly what you mean.”  & I certainly do.

“Can I trust you?” he asked.

“Yes, you can,” I answered.

I told him about Monday.  I had a birthday party to do – a last-minute call – at Murphy Manufacturing – for the boss, J.  I was in the most foul mood – I’d partied heavily all weekend – staying up all night – bending time – drinking to excess & of course lots of cocaine.  Puff & toot!  Anyway – by Monday I was completely burned out – muscles aching – just plain tired.  I was horny too – I’d been on fire all weekend & I slept all Monday morning & had the wettest dreams – I was still wet when I was doing my show – I was on fire!  I was a volcano!  Molten fire!  Of course – J. was a hunk – lovely hard muscles – a chest covered with hair – only 32 years old – I was horny & wet & he knew it – he was horny & hard.  For the first time – at a stag, anyway – I wished Teddy wasn’t there – I wanted to go into an empty office & get the living daylights fucked out of me – it was the most uncomfortable feeling – part shame – part frustration – part erotic desire that I was unable to mask –

He called my cunt “roast beef” – I had never heard that before.  Most men compare female sexual parts to seafood.  I guess it’s because of my long lips.  I quipped, “Real food for real people.”  He was saying, “I love large cunts, I like them better than large tits, I wanna eat you, suck on your large cunt, you want me to, I wanna fuck you, I have a big fat cock – ”

But alas – or maybe thank goodness – I went home with Teddy – then we went to Anderson’s for roast beef sandwiches – which was ironic when you think about it –

But I couldn’t stop thinking about him & I wished I could go back there all alone.

***

I’m sick – I’ve been sick for days.  Saturday morning I woke up with no voice & it’s been downhill since then.  I had to work Saturday night – of course – with the usual energy booster – of course – & Sunday I was shot.  Monday & Tuesday I felt terrible – bummed out & pissed off about being sick – like my body has let me down – betrayed me – I’ve got so many things to do – Teddy says to lay back & relax & get better but Jesus Christ, the last thing I want to do is relax!  He says I don’t know how to relax anyway – getting sick is enforced relaxation.  I finished all my library books & I’m reading Gone With The Wind again.

I do feel a bit better today – not so tired & appetite’s coming back a bit.  That’s one things about being sick – what a great diet.  My belly is completely gone.  Mostly I’ve been drinking – coffee, tea, pepsi, beer, milk, iced tea, water – I’ve been dying for lemonade.  Oh the weather’s been so lovely – warm, sunny – soft breezes coming through the front window – oh what a drag to be sick!  I was going to go to UB for a series of lecture on radical poetry – but oh well – that’s life.

But I do feel better – when I cough, I’m able to move the phlegm in my lungs.  It makes me think of a frozen ice floe finally able to move – like the Niagara River.

I’m hungry again – thank goodness we have plenty of food.  Lots of soup – which is probably what I should stick to.  If I start feeling too good, Teddy will get mad at me for not taking it easy – pushing myself for I’m ready.  I have a busy busy busy weekend – completely booked up – including a Sunday gig – as a favor to Anthony Falco.  I guess Teddy’s right – I’ll have to continue taking it easy.  But I’m so bored!

***

I’m beat.  Today was the first day since I’ve been sick I didn’t go back to bed after Teddy left – I stayed up & cooked myself a nice breakfast – two eggs over easy & a slice of baked Virginia ham & toast.  Then I defrosted the fridge – laundered my costumes – stripped & remade the bed – cleaned the bathroom – straightened all the rooms – & dusted & vacuumed the living room.  There’s more to do – I haven’t done housework all week – but I’m tired out now.  This place looks presentable though.  It was really beginning to get on my nerves.  Teddy says I’m silly – to worry about the housework when I’m sick – but I can’t help it.  I hate a messy house.

***

Look at this handwriting – man, am I fucked up.  It is a total effort to make the pen move along the paper – on the pale blue lines – making each character even & precise & legible.  The news is on – the weather – fucking A!  Winter again!  Cold air, sharp wind & flurries – oh, it sucks!  Winter is really hanging on this year.

I hate writing when I’m this fucked up.  I feel like a child – writing so slowly – like it’s an effort!  It is an effort!  By the time I’ve written what I want, my mind has raced way beyond where I’m at – it’s so frustrating – & I’ve got a wicked cramp in my forearm –

I guess I’ll stop –

But oh – I’m so happy I want to write forever!  Oh, my arm hurts!  I guess I’ll have to sit here & feel good – laugh –

I put Teddy to bed – he’s so burned out – such a heavy weekend – lots of stags & lots of partying.  I burn out a lot easier than I used to – I can’t handle the druggie life as effortlessly as I once did – a few years ago I made so much fun of Teddy cuz he couldn’t keep up with me – being 7 years older – oh how I used to laugh – but the laugh’s on me now.  Cuz now I’m feeling it.  My back’s a mess & my knees are going.  I can hang in there better than Teddy partly cuz I still have my youth pride – though it’s slipping away – more & more – it’s getting really hard – oh my knees – & I’m so tired.  Still I’m young enough to continue ignoring that fact.  I don’t wanna give up – I know I will soon have to – Teddy is proof of that.  I am proof of that – I am really tired.  I’m sick of my muscles aching.  Time to change – soon, soon.  Whether I like it or not.

***

So much has happened since I last wrote – mostly I’ve been sick – really sick – more sick than I’ve been since 1981 – when I O.D.’d on MDA – last weekend was a nightmare.  & of course, the thing that gets me through a weekend of stag parties is the same thing that is making me so sick!  It’s a vicious cycle!

The Canteen Reunion party was Tuesday, April 19 – I supposed I was still sick then but I refused to admit it – nothing would have kept me from that party.  & it was a great party & I was – without a doubt – the star of the show.  & I put on one of the best performances I have ever done – as sick as I was.  Linda Ronstadt’s “What’s New” was my opening song & it brought down the house – opening with a floor routine.  Monday I had a hangover & Wednesday would be even worse.  But Thursday I was so sick I would have welcomed a hangover – a hangover would have been much better than whatever sickness I was suffering – the flu – pneumonia – whatever it was.  I suppose I should have gone to the doctor.  But I was so sick – I just wanted to sleep.  Even now I am still under the weather – although much better.  Better enough to go out to dinner with Doug & Danielle – we went to the Anchor Bar for wings & then to Falco’s – it was Craig’s 34th birthday – & of course I have to work tonight & tomorrow night.  If I can get through an ordeal like last weekend – especially Friday – when I didn’t even have coke to ease the pain – this weekend will be easy – easy –

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