Excerpts From a Diary 40

[January-February, 1990]

[January]

I feel great.  I slept until 11 a.m. – I couldn’t believe the clock when I woke up – I had so many dreams – so many messages – I am still trying to decipher them all.  You won’t believe who I was dreaming about – Pat.  Probably because the other night when he stopped by to do a coke deal he had a large bump on his forehead – I teased him about banging his head while he was banging that chick he’s currently seeing – & I couldn’t help but wish that I had someone to bang me so exuberantly.  Of course –  I’d never get involved with Pat – he’s a connection – our main connection – our only connection, really.  & you know what they say about love affairs with connections – lose the love, lose the connection.

It was a partying weekend.  Jesse scored a quarter ounce of coke from Pat – Pat’s been here a lot lately – & brought some hash oil & some really unsmokeable weed.  It was the worst!  We got a sixteenth out of that deal – really nice – Jesse & Pat both hung out & partied for a while.  Once again I was really fascinated by the way Pat doesn’t drink but he’s able to party anyway – snort coke & smoke weed & there’s no urge to have any alcohol.  I would love to be able to do that.   I’m tired of the hangovers & I’m tired of all the extra calories.

Teddy & I did up all the coke Saturday night – we were supposed to make it last all weekend – but as usual, that didn’t happen.  What is it about coke that makes you want to do it all until it’s done?  & then want more?  Even though you’re so wasted you couldn’t do more if you tried?

Ariana & her brothers stopped by – they had coke too.  It was a really good time.  Ariana & Bernie have split up – she only married him because her father was dying & it was his dying wish to walk his little girl up the aisle & see her happily married.  But I don’t think Ariana was ever happily married to Bernie.  She’s living on the West Side now.  She’s come into an inheritance since her father died & she has a good job, of course – she’s able to support herself.  Something I have never been able to do – perhaps when I was dancing a few years ago – but of course, Teddy was part of the business – & if I had left him, I wouldn’t have had him as a business partner.  Of course, at this point, it’s debatable whether or not he was ever actually an asset as a partner – I needed him to drive me around & to play my music but he wasted too much money – he ruined the business, as far as I’m concerned.

Anyway – on Sunday, I woke up feeling like shit – totally hungover – I was in bed most of the day – I got up when Jesse stopped by with some crank – man, that stuff stings the crap out of your nose! – He was supposed to come back with more but of course he didn’t & it didn’t matter – I’m even glad he didn’t – on Sunday night – New Year’s Eve – we drank champagne & ate pepperoni & cheddar cheese.  I woke up feeling great on New Year’s Day – the first time I have woken up on New Year’s Day without a hangover in 10 years!  So now on – I don’t drink at all – except at a stag – & who knows when I’ll be dancing again anyway – maybe I won’t drink until my birthday – maybe only until I lose 5 or 10 pounds – I’m not sure – I’ll decide later.  But I don’t want any more hangovers.  I also decided that I will only eat popcorn once a week.  I want to be beautiful by the time I turn thirty – thin, toned, in control & strong.

***

Depressed.  I don’t know if it’s because I slept so poorly or because I’m so horny I could kill myself to relieve the pain.  Probably both.  Teddy’s sick – that’s why I slept so badly – he kept waking me – he’s at work now but he’s sure to be home early.

I think I’ll go to bed & read.  I’m too awake to sleep & too tired to work.

Evening.  Watching the news.  We just ate – pancakes, sausage & home fries.  Teddy’s rolling a joint – we’re almost out – again.  He came home from work early – he’s got a cold.  I’ve been waiting on him all afternoon – studying quietly while he was sleeping.

I filled out an application to enter UB.  I had to write a letter stating why UB should let me back in.  When I got the application a year ago, I couldn’t figure out why UB should let me back in.  Now I do.  I hope my arguments sway whoever decides.  If not – I’ll continue studying on my own.

***

I feel so spaced out.  Even a shower failed to wake me up.  I want to go over to UB with my application after my hair dries but I am so out of it.  Today is the day – the waxing moon – the Maiden Goddess – a time to plant the seeds of success – of new growth – plant then & let them grow – say a prayer to the Maiden – wait for results as the Moon grows full & round & then again wanes – hopefully everything will be alright – no matter what happens – everything will be alright.

***

Oh dear.  Another long weekend.  No joints.  No money.  The Bills lost their last game of the season.  The Sabres lost their fourth game in a row.  Teddy’s depressed – he’s so tired of being in debt.  He has to call his mother tomorrow & ask for money.  We drove by the old place today – there’s no one living in that apartment.  It kills me – Paulie wanted us out because we weren’t paying the rent fast enough – but now he’s not getting rent from anyone.  Even when we had our phone in there, he was getting money from us – we were paying for that.  Now he’s not getting anything.  I wonder what Cindy thinks of that.  I am sure they are arguing about it.  What a fucking idiot.  All because I wouldn’t suck his tiny cock anymore.  We’ve lost hundreds – thousands of dollars because of that asshole.  My career is in tatters – it’s over, really – I have to accept that it’s over.

Oh – another thing – I can’t go to school this semester – my application was in too late – but it’ll be considered for the fall.  It’s just as well – we can’t afford it right now anyway.  I’ll just able to study on my own.

I just want a little part time job to bring in some money – to take the pressure off Teddy a little bit – to buy some weed – & some new clothes.

***

I tried to sleep in but Missy kept waking me up.  It’s such a beautiful day – I hate to waste it.  I should get out & look for work.  Go downtown – maybe Elmwood Avenue or Hertel Avenue – someone’s got to be hiring.

I think I might stop in at the law office & see if they’ll hire me back.  I doubt it but you never know.

I just feel so depressed.

Later.  Just out of the shower.  I tried some breakfast – my usual poached egg on toast – I was taking the egg out of the pan & it slipped off the spoon on to the front burner – what a mess!  I had to laugh.  I guess it is a good thing I didn’t go downtown today – who knows what might have gone wrong.  Ya know – last night I tried doing a Tarot reading & the cards just wouldn’t work.  Sometimes they don’t.

***

I feel like shit.  I have a full-blown cold.  Nevertheless – I went downtown today & applied for a jobs at the mall, at the library & at every single bar.  Then I went to the Credit Union & withdrew some money from Teddy’s account so we can go to Wegman’s when he gets home.  I didn’t go to the law office.  I felt like shit & I didn’t have the nerve.  If I had been feeling better, I probably would have.  I didn’t go to Elmwood Avenue or Hertel Avenue or anywhere else.  I came home – had some chicken soup – & went to bed.  But sleep – sustained sleep – is not for me.  Mike Martin – one of the tenants upstairs – arrived last night – with two of his buddies & they’ve been in & out all afternoon.  Every time they came or went, doors were slammed – feet pounding on the stairs – shoes on the floor above me – college voices whooping it up.  This is not how I want to live!

It was really cold downtown.  I didn’t need to be standing on Main Street – shivering – getting blasted by the frigid wind off the lake – waiting for the train.  Why do I feel like nothing gonna come of it?  Today I want to be nothing but a dancer & a writer.  Having to get dressed & made up & standing in the cold waiting for a bus – & then making transfers – waiting for the train – walking across Lafayette Square with a runny nose, watering eyes & endless sneezes is not for me.  I like to go out when I feel like it – wear what I feel like – clothes sensible for the weather – & do what I like to do – when I like to do it – not when I’m told to do it – & not the way someone tells me to do it – just because they’re my boss – & that’s the way they want me to do it – for some arbitrary reason.

Oh damn!  I hate being broke!  I give anything for a job every Saturday night.  That’s all we need, really.  We wouldn’t be able to do coke – who cares? – but we’d be able to pay the bills & have a little left over for marijuana or the movies or dinner out.  All the things we took for granted.

***

I feel like shit.  A bad headache – a really bad sore throat – really hurts to swallow – hurts all the way down into my glands – my eyes are stinging – I’m on the couch with 6 books – notebooks, pens – my knitting – a roll of toilet paper for kleenixes – I ran out of real kleenixes yesterday – a glass of ginger ale & a cup of tea.

***

Another day of sickness although I do feel better than yesterday.  Not as congested – but much achier.  I slept most of yesterday.  I got up with Teddy this morning & was going to stay up but then I caught myself staring into space – I had no idea how long I had been doing it – so I went back to bed & slept until 9:30 – then got up – ate & took a shower – it felt so good – the hot water on my aching body.  Now I’m not sure what to do – read, I suppose – but I’m having trouble keeping my eyes in focus.  The house is a mess – I haven’t done housework all week.  Maybe I’ll feel up to it tomorrow.  Now I have another migraine – I’m gonna lie down – even though my hair is still wet.

***

I feel much better today.  I’m still sniffling & snuffling a lot & I feel rather fatigued.  I started straightening up the house.  I’ve cleaned & rearranged my desk – now it’s time for a break!  I don’t want to wear myself out & get sick again.  I have some letters to write – other than that – I plan to read.  What else?  I finished my white scarf – knitted with my Christmas size 13 needles – it goes with my good coat.  When we have money again, I want to get more yarn & knit myself a nice shawl.

It’s winter again – cold & snowing & very windy.  I’m glad I don’t have to go out.

***

Just in from shoveling.  My head’s a little congested but other than that, I feel fine.  A little fatigued, perhaps.  We got an inch & a half of powder – easy to shovel.  It’s snowing now – really light.  The sun’s shining – it’s be a great day for skiing or tobogganing.

***

Another warm day.  The street are filled with shlush.  Walking anywhere, your feet are soaking wet in no time at all.  Not to mention ice cold.  I want to go to the Library but I guess I’ll have to wait.

I want to go to the Library to get books I read when I was 10 – ones I don’t own, obviously – Peter Pan – the Betsy books – that series of biographies that portray famous people as children – I remember reading about Louisa May Alcott, Nancy Hanks, Mary Todd Lincoln, Annie Oakley & Susan B. Anthony.  Even as a child, I was interested in women & women’s rights.

Anyway – I am rewriting – remembering – my diary that I kept during my teens – the one I destroyed during my breakdown in 1979.  It is amazingly easy to remember.  Like  falling back into a dream.   I can put myself back easily – the smells, the sights, the sounds – Old Neck Road & Manchester-By-The-Sea – Massachusetts & New Hampshire & Maine – the beauty of New England swirls around me.  Things I wrote.  People, places.  It is quite a journey.  I wonder that I didn’t try this sooner – but I suppose I really wasn’t ready – or maybe I couldn’t find the way back.  So many things are possible now.  Now it’s time for the 80’s to retreat back into the mists – ferment – until I’m ready to use them.  For so long – thinking about family life has been a drag – I almost never write about my family – all my stories deal with persons cut off from family life – just like I cut myself off.  Not it is time to retrace my steps – put myself back into that girl on the edge of puberty – & figure out what went wrong & how it can be rectified – if it ever can.

***

Got a terrible migraine – I woke up with it – I’ve also got my period – I’m really glad – I was beginning to wonder – although it’d have to be some kind of virgin birth or something – since I haven’t had sex in ages – but you never know.  Stranger things have happened.

It’s cold – snowy – wintery.  I won’t be going anywhere today.  I don’t mind the cold & the snow but the wind gets to me.  The wind makes the difference between an enjoyable winter walk or one you’re just trying to endure.  It’s really windy today.  The trees are bending with it – you can hear the howling & whistling of the wind through the windows.  The sky is that uniformly greyish-white.

***

I don’t know why I’m so depressed.  Probably because we’re out of joints again.  We’re out of money.  I want to dance – to party – to work!  I feel out & fat & ugly.  I want to get wasted – drunk – smashed – tuned in – turned on – stoned.  I want to get laid.  I want, I want, I want – I’m so tired of feeling so needy!  I’m so tired of being so broke!

I woke this morning after a dream that Jesse & I were making love.

Afternoon.  Shera stopped by.  Tonight is an open circle celebrating Imbolc at the Unitarian Church on Elmwood Ave & would I like to go?  I was so happy – I had been hoping for something like this to happen!  She asked Teddy to attend too but he wants to stay home.  So I’m going.  I’m making cookies to take along – the dough’s in the fridge – chilling.  In a few minutes, she’s picking me up & we’re going to Mooncircles – a shop on Lexington Avenue – with a friend of hers.  I’m so excited.  This is exactly what I needed.

***

The open circle was excellent.  You would not believe who I saw there!  Bard Ellison!  With his wife – a skinny blonde with really long hair – they have 4 children!  Whoever would have thought!  I also met an astrologer named Davio  – who I swear I know – probably I’ve seen him drinking at Falco’s or something – since he lives in the neighborhood.  Some of the other guys looked familiar too – but what guy doesn’t?  I also met – well, I met everyone there – the high priestess of Shera’s coven – a beautiful woman named Rae – I talked to her for a long time.  It was really wonderful – although a little hard to remember because I was drinking rosé & I haven’t had a drink since New Year’s Eve.  We all stood in a circle – & one of the women started singing, “We are from the Goddess & to her we shall return” – & eventually everyone was singing & drumming & ringing little bells to the chant.  We all cast the circle together & raised power & then released it – it was so powerful.  Words don’t do the ritual justice.

Rae was the high priestess of the ceremony & the high priest was her 15-year-old son – a living doll if there ever was one – he had a crown of branches on his head.  The whole thing was excellent.  I loved it – I loved it.  I want to join a coven – I want to be a part of this.

Anyway – it’ll help with my own rituals – just having seen this & participated in this.  Just being there will stay with me.

***

We got 6 inches of snow last night – I’ve already been out shoveling – it’s a beautiful day – sunny – warm, even.  A great day for the slopes.  Or a picnic by a bon fire after hiking through the woods.  I love being outdoors in the winter – if it’s not windy.

I fell asleep after shoveling & I dreamed of Jesse – or someone – the images were blurry but the orgasm was strong.

The doorbell woke me.  It was the UPS man – with a package for upstairs.  I feel sleepy & drugged – I only wish I were.  It is sunny outside – although the sun has come up – I should go out.  Get some exercise – some fresh air.  I wish it was warmer – I wish it was spring – oh, I wish, I wish!  So many wishes – never coming true.

Night.  & sometimes wishes do come true.  & spells do work.  I went out – went to the library – went to Falco’s – had a Coke! – & heard all the latest gossip.  Everyone’s been wondering where I’ve been – on a diet & broke!  Anyway – I didn’t stay long – I came home & changed & was about to start baking brownies when the doorbell rang – it was Jesse – it was Jesse – it was Jesse!  My heart sang.  My dream was coming true – to the last detail – & now I could see his face.  It was wonderful.  Afterward, we went to Max’s & had some beers – the first beers I’ve had in a long time.

He told me he’d heard me calling him.

***

[February]

I slept really well last night for the first time in weeks.   I’m gonna do my nails & make-up – dress up real nice – & go out.  I’m going to look for Help Wanted Signs – someone’s got to want to hire me.

After dressing & doing my  make-up, I looked at myself in the mirror.  I look good – you’d never know I’ll be 30 soon.  How I wish it was 1984 – or 1985 – & I was getting ready for work – jumping into my little yellow Toyota – going to The Canteen – I’m too young to be washed up!  I’m too young to have to trade in my dreams on a more practical model!

I tried calling Jesse this morning but Doreen answered.  I hung up without saying anything.

I’m so depressed I could cry!

***

As if things couldn’t get any worse, Teddy smashed up his truck this morning.  He spun out on some black ice this way to work & smashed it into another car.  Knowing Teddy, he was probably going way too fast for the conditions.  Danielle came to get me & take me to Millard Fillmore Suburban, where he was being treated for minor injuries – the truck was towed to B & J International – although they don’t do collision work & he’ll have to find someone to do the work.  I guess insurance will cover it – I don’t know – I guess he’ll have to ride the motorcycle to work now – or get a ride from someone – it’s just always something!  I can’t stand anymore of this!

***

I got a letter from my ob/gyn yesterday – my pap smear is unusual & I have to go in for more tests.  Along with the letter was a pamphlet – “The Pap Smear & Your Cervix” – which was very informative – it told me everything about the cervix & who’s in risk to get cancer – women like me, for example – & what can be done about it.  Maybe this is what’s wrong with me – it’s not a yeast infection at all.  All I can do it go find out – I’ll call Dr. Franz tomorrow.

Actually – today I wasn’t as depressed as I usually am – I was in a rather good mood.  I cleaned the house – did two loads of wash – changed the cat litter – took the garbage out.

***

Nothing new to report except the weather.  We got a foot of snow on Thursday – then freezing rain all day yesterday.  This morning it looked like fairy land.  But around noon, it started raining again & now it’s really coming down.  Hail – lightning – high winds – a tornado watch.  The sky is really opaque – thick dark cloud cover.

***

In a bad mood.  Got my period.  Out of money.  Out of weed.  It’s really cold out – snowy – icy.  I did a couple of Teddy’s pain killers – waiting for the floating feeling to take over.  So depressed.  I want a line – I want a drink – I want to go to a party & dance my blues away.

I hate looking for work.  I don’t want to be a typist or a cashier.  I’m an entertainer!  I want to entertain!  Oh, the infinite unfairness of everything.

***

I feel terrible.  I’ve got a cold – my head feels like it’s filled with cement.  Missy kept waking me up this morning – so here I am – awake, barely – but no longer able to sleep.  We did the last of Teddy’s pills last night – Pat wouldn’t or couldn’t get us anymore weed – we think he’s into his man for so much money that he can’t ask for a thing.  I don’t think Pat is going to be around much longer.  I bet he skips town soon.

It’s going to be another long, dull day.

***

I’ve got it bad – a cold, flu, whatever – I’m not going anywhere today – not to look for work – nowhere.  I feel so tired.  My lungs ache & my head hurts.  I can’t believe I’m sick again.  & it’s cold out – really cold & windy too.  I hope it’s nicer tomorrow – since I have to go downtown.  I wish spring would hurry up!  I hate February & I hate March too – winter drags on forever!

***

Why does it have to hurt so much?  Why does it feel like my heart is breaking?  Why do I still want him so badly?  This ache – this endless aching – a man with strength – who can pick me up – who can enclose me in arms of steel – who can enable me to lay down all my burdens – all my worries –

I love Teddy but I am so tired of having to be the strong one.  The almost unendurable pain.

***

Just out of the doctor’s – my ob/gyn – I had a 3:00 appointment but I got here early & he was able to take me right away.  Pat brought me.  He’s been hanging out with me most of the day – he’s been coming around a lot lately.  He’s a practicing Buddhist – we’ve been discussing meditation – spirituality – the spiral path – all kinds of things.  Anyway – after he dropped me off here at home, he went to get Teddy from work & now I’m just waiting for him to get home again to receive my call.  I’m making him dinner tonight – Pat will do anything for a meal.

***

I’ve lost my voice.  I was coughing nearly all night.  I was awake half the night anyway – never has a night seemed so long.  I kept thinking about Pat.  This morning, the coffee pot was filled with the coffee he brought yesterday – some rich Brazilian brew – tastes almost like chocolate.  I wonder if he’ll come back this morning.  He’s not sure if he’s working or what.  We spent nearly the entire day together yesterday.

Night.  Pat was here all afternoon.  He came for dinner – the second night in a row – & he’s here now – rolling joints & smoking.  Things are changing – changing quickly.  He wants to be my lover.  He says he’ll pamper me – he’ll be good for me – he gave me the whole pitch – he is, after all, a salesman.  He’s not the kind of guy I go for – you know I like them big & tough & macho – like Jesse.  But I really like Pat.  He’s the first guy I ever met that I can talk religion with – a big plus – given the state of my head & my heart & my soul.  I don’t know if I could fall for a dumb guy – someone who didn’t measure up to my level of intelligence.  Actually – I fall for story-tellers – most of my men are excellent story-tellers.  Pat spins one yarn after another.

All of a sudden – things look exciting.  I can’t sleep at night thinking of the possibilities.

***

I woke up without a voice again.  I have been coughing up tons of phlegm & other crap out of my lungs

Pat just left.  He brought me some weed & I made him breakfast.  I don’t know what to make of Pat.  I mean – he doesn’t even begin to resemble the “man of my dreams” – he’s barely taller than I am – I’m sure I’m stronger than he is – in fact, that’s one of the things that attracts him to me – my physical strength.  I also feed him – I play into this mother fantasies.  Also –  there’s a lot of girl in Pat & there’s a lot of boy in me – the way he curls up to me next to me sitting on the couch & presses his body next to mine – the way he lays his head on my shoulder & sighs – it’s all so very feminine – & makes me feel very masculine.  I’m pretty macho anyway – but in love, I want to be taken – to be possessed – to be subdued.

But on the other hand – it is wonderful to talk to Pat – talking about religion – talking about recovery.  More drug stories – sex stories – sex, drug & rock’n’roll stories!  He is all ready – to treat me like a queen – he is already treating me like a queen.  He wants me.  & you know how I love to be wanted.

But something holds me back.  That too, bothers me – I like not being able help myself – that feeling of – I’ve got to have that man! – & that’s not that case with Pat.  It’s another practical decision – someone to take care of my body.  My heart is untouched.

Of course – I can’t jump in bed with Pat – or anyone else – until I hear back from Dr. Franz.  I’m glad – I’m very glad – it buys me a little tome – more time to think – to weigh my options – to figure things out – & the fact that wanting to think about it tells me pretty much all I need to know.

***

& now I no longer need to think.  Pat came over this morning before he went to work.  We smoked joints – & kissed – he is a wonderful kisser.  I haven’t made out like that since high school – it was funny – our clothes never came off – but we were in the throes of passion – rubbing our bodies together – fucking with our clothes on – it was wild.  I laid back & he put his hand on my crotch & massaged me – rubbing my clit – circling it – caressing it – but my sweat pants never came off.  It was marvelous love –

I can hardly wait for tomorrow.  His dick feels large & hard inside his pants.  I sat on top of him & rubbed against him.  Anais Nin writes that a Hindu makes love to his wife 10 days before he takes her.  “For ten days, they merely caress & kiss.”  What do Buddhists do?  Does he mean to make me wait?  Oh I don’t know if I can.  I am so hot – so wet – so wanting.  & I still can’t believe it’s Pat doing this to me.

Oh, the joy of a new lover.

His bag of weed is in my pocket.  Oh joy – joy –