Excerpt From a Diary 45

[Holidays, 1990]

 

Thanksgiving was very quiet this year.  Helena & her family were at Geoff’s family in Pittsburgh.  Jesse & Doreen stayed home – her mother had a stroke & Doreen didn’t want to leave her.  Randy always hunts on Thanksgiving.  Trish is in Germany with Brad, who’s stationed there.  Rocco & Julie were there but only for a short while – they also had dinner at her folk’s.  I went to a meeting in the morning.  Later in the day, I helped my mother with the dinner – not that there was very much to do.  Without a tableful of people, there wasn’t dozens of dishes prepared – no creamed onions, spinach soufflé or even succotash – I missed seeing all the different bowls & platters of food.  But it was a good meal, as always.

***

In my room – reading, writing poetry, listening to music very softly on the stereo.

***

I finally heard from the manager of the building on Euclid Heights Avenue.  I can move in January but since the first is a Tuesday, I can actually move in the weekend before that – he said that the tenant was moving out mid-December but it needed painting & a few repairs.  But it would be ready by December 30^th for sure.  I am so excited!  It is a really cute little place.  Perfect for me.  Top floor – fabulous view – lots of light – perfect for plants.  No porch & a tiny kitchen but you can’t get everything.  & nothing says I have to stay there forever.  It’s alright for right now.

***

I feel so bruised today.  My lungs ache when I breathe.  So horny it hurts.  But sleep came easily.  With dreams – dreams filled with sex – sex with Doug Conover of all people – sex with others too – dinner in a Chinese restaurant – a bag of weed I was trying to hide – acrobats hanging from streetlights – & more sex.  I woke up feeling like I hadn’t slept at all.

I took a shower.  The hot water coursing through the massager felt good on my back, my legs, my crotch – afterwards, I applied my body lotion, patted on my baby powder & dressed in a pair of  long underwear, my pink flowered skirt & tight hot pink sweater & pink socks & went downstairs.  Bob was arranging fruit on a platter, a bag of still-warm bagels on the counter.  The coffee was brewing in the percolator.  Bob said good morning to me but my mother pointedly ignored me.  She hates it when I wear my tight pink sweater.  It’s one of my favorite tops & it always cheers me up to see myself in the mirror with it on.

I poured myself a cup of coffee.  I had a bagel & a banana.  I put on my boots & jacket & went out for a walk.  My mother can spread her bad mood over the entire house like peanut butter on bread.

***

Some days you just can’t cheer up on demand.  Clothes don’t change your mood – nothing does.  You just have to wade through the muck of depression no matter what.

***

Right now I’m in the perfect mood to write poetry.

***

In the food court of the Halle Building, enjoying a cup of coffee before I go to work.  I am wearing my new grey suit, the white blouse I was married in & my riding boots.  I had my hair cut on Thursday.  It’s much shorter than it’s been in years – what used to be called a Dutch Bob.  I’m not sure I like it but it’ll grow back.

***

Almost done with my lunch hour.  It’s snowing out – very pretty.  I wanted to go for a walk after I ate but the heels on my boots are so worn down – I don’t want to wear them down further.  I need to have them fixed.

I should go to the ladies’ room & get back to work.

***

The tenth anniversary of John Lennon’s murder.  I’m watching The Compleat Beatles.

I’ve been sick – we’ve all had it – first Bob, then Mom, now me.  A mild stomach flu – cramps, diarrhea, intense fatigue.  I slept over 13 hours last night – went to bed at 9 p.m. & not up until 11 a.m.

I had a bunch of crazy dreams – dreaming about Pat when he was young but I was his dream – I can’t really remember right now – it seemed like it was somehow prophetic – but I’m not sure anymore – I wish I could remember it.

***

I am getting my assignments done too quickly.  My first assignment was supposed to take three days & I finished it in one.  The filing assignment was supposed to be a three-day assignment – also done in one day.  Another assignment was supposed to take two weeks & I was done in three days.  Deb says all she has for me is handing out flyers in the Public Square.  What a drag!

I was not in a very good mood as I went home.   Bob noticed my mood & said something so I started to tell him about my problem with my work assignments & he interrupted me, saying, “What you need is a meeting.”

NO.  What I need is not a meeting.  AA meetings are great but they do not solve everything.  They do not solve the problem of being an efficient worker & there’s not enough work to do.

I did go to a meeting & when I got home, I fell asleep almost immediately but I had nightmares all night & had to wake myself up constantly.  Needless to say, I feel very tired & out of it this morning.

Later.  Deb just called.  She’s got a job for me – a real job.  I’ve got to run.  I haven’t had a shower or anything!  Oh well!

Evening.  My new assignment is at Hospice of the Western Reserve.  Their receptionist has been sick for over three weeks & the paperwork is really piling up.  June, the administrator, is handling the phones – which ring off the wall – & I’ll do the paperwork & filing until it’s caught up.   Then I’ll be trained on the phones.

***

A complete bitch of a morning.  I need more sleep – last night’s Dharma class wasn’t – is never – over before 9:30 & then everyone hangs out & talks forever – by the time I get home & wound down & in bed it’s at least 10:30 & of course I couldn’t sleep.  I guess I could leave earlier but honestly – waiting for a ride from Val is easier than getting the bus home & probably faster anyway.  Then when I did sleep, I had a bunch of anxiety dreams – I was running away from someone – I had no idea who – I was just running.

The alarm goes off at 6 a.m.  It’s just not enough sleep.  Not for me in early recovery.

Afternoon.  A Christmas party here at work – potluck.  I had a little of everything & I am stuffed.  The homemade cheesecake & Danish puff were excellent.  Now that I’m not drinking anymore, I love sweet stuff.

A funeral is driving by.

***

Much better this morning.  Although I couldn’t wear what I had originally planned on – my stocking had a run – so I am wearing black slacks & a red sweater.  But I feel much better than yesterday – much better rested.  I went to bed at 9 p.m. after a sitting in meditation for forty-five minutes.

***

I called in sick to work today.  I know I shouldn’t have.  But I had a migraine – & it was pouring rain & I thought fuck this & went back to bed – no, first I called off work – then I went to bed.

It was a tough weekend.  Really up & down.  Up – shopping – Christmas shopping at the Arcade –  buying clothes for myself at various thrift shops.  Down – sitting in the cold rain 45 minutes waiting for a bus, trying not to think that in Buffalo, it would be snowing instead of raining.  I got home & there was a letter from Teddy – real self-pitying & bitter – so I made the mistake of calling him to try to make him feel better & of course it was a total mess of a conversation – I was depressed the rest of the weekend.

I couldn’t sleep & when I did, I had nightmares.

My headache is hanging in there but I’m going to work on Christmas cards – I haven’t sent a single one yet.  I haven’t had the time – or the energy.

***

I’m so tired.  I can barely stay awake.  I just want to go home & sleep.  I’m so sick of filing – I can’t help it, I think it’s a little silly to continually file stuff for people who are dead.

We got a tree last night.  Bob & I went.  Mom was in one of her moods again & went to a woman’s meeting on the West Side.  “Let her go,” he said.  “She’ll be in a better mood when she gets home.”  He’s so mellow.  I told him that & he laughed.  “I used to be a monster,” he told me.  I remember Jesse saying the same thing about him.

The tree is set up in the living room but we have to wait for Mom to get the ornaments down from the attic so we can decorate it.  It needs to settle & get used to being in the warmth anyway.  It smells so good – I love the smell of pine.  The smell of New England.

***

I can hardly wait to get home but I have to go downtown to the temp office & pick up my paycheck & by the time I get home, it’ll be way past 6 p.m.  Mom & Bob don’t even wait for me to have dinner – I just reheat whatever they had.  But at least there’s something there.  Soon I’ll be cooking for myself – having to come up with something when I get home from work – no matter how tired I am.  I’ll be eating a lot of soup & sandwiches!

***

It never rains but it fucking pours.  I got my period.  Of course I don’t have any tampons – none at home, either.  Life sucks.  Now I have to put paper towel in my underwear & hope it doesn’t move around too much on my way to the store.  I miss having a car!

***

A completely boring day.  I’m reading charts – making sure that things are filed in their correct places.  When June comes back from Mentor, she & Toni will go to a meeting & I’ll be on the phones – but it’s real quiet today anyway.

My breasts ache & I have cramps.  I just want to sleep.  I could easily sleep another four hours a day.  I’m longing for my bed with its soft flannel sheets & my heavy quilt on top.  I’m drinking a completely vile cup of coffee – it’s my third on today – & I’m still not awake.  I guess that’s life.

Afternoon.  At Toni’s desk, playing receptionist.  I just ate – more food left over from the party tray.  I just remember the two oranges in the fridge – I can’t forget them.  I’m full or I’d eat them now.

I’m feeling a little better.  I’m still cold.  Anya – one of the nurses – says I’m running a low fever & probably have a low-grade viral infection which is why I constantly feel crummy.  That & my period – which is enough right there.

I’m reading poetry as I sit here.  I should be reading charts.  But I get so sick of medical terminology.  I like the social worker reports & what Sister Marguerite writes much better.

I’m supposed to do to the Zen Temple tonight & hear a lecture by Eido Roshi with the rest of the Dharma group.  I don’t know if I’ll go.  I don’t really feel like it.  It’s raining buckets – of course it may stop later on – but I would really like to get home, get comfy & have dinner.  Get to bed early – read a little – & sleep all night.  When I get up tomorrow, I want to put on my comfy clothes again & bake cookies & decorate them.

***

I did go to the Zen Temple.  Although I honestly can’t remember a word Eido Roshi said.  Because when I arrived at Robert’s house to join up with the rest of the Dharma Group & ride to the Temple, there was Pat.

I have to admit – I have been wondering when I would be seeing him – where I would be seeing him – at a meeting or at the Dharma House or maybe getting a coffee at Arabica.

He looks good.  He looks healthy.  I realize now what a waste product he was back in February & March – how strung out he really was.  Jesse was right when he said that Pat was a “major coke head”.

He gave me a huge smile when he saw me & then a hug & I didn’t know what to say.  I didn’t have to say much because as usual, he talked a blue streak.  He’s living with his brother but he’s going to be moving in with John Bembo & live at the Dharma House & meditate all day long.  “When I’m not working,” he laughed.  Of course he doesn’t have a job yet.  He’s going to a meeting everyday & he feels so much better – so much better – than he used to.  He’s so grateful.

“I still love you,” he whispered.

***

I am tired but I can’t sleep.  I woke up an hour ago.  It was a restless night with crazy dreams.  In one of my dreams, my mother was wearing a sun-dress – pink & white stripes – a halter-top, the back completely open – cut daringly around the breasts – something my mother would never wear in a hundred years.  She was very tan & her hair loose & curly & she looked magnificent!

I watched the light filter in through the crack in the draperies & listened to the rain.  Boy, does it ever rain down here!  I miss the snow of Buffalo.  My stomach began to growl so I got up & dressed & came downstairs & ate.  I’ve been reading poetry – another cup of tea & I’ll go back upstairs & meditate.  The other night at the Zen Temple, Pat started instructing me on proper meditation, like I haven’t got my own meditation instructor already.  Val was there & he just laughed.  I had to laugh, too.  Some things never change.

I had my hair cut yesterday – very short.  It looks really nice.  I just didn’t feel that the haircut I had was me, although it looked really nice.  It’s quite curly – getting rid of all that extraneous hair released the natural curl.  Now I look in the mirror & I see Cori – the Cori I am now.

***

A beautiful day.  Four inches of snow fell last night.  The whole world is transformed.  I feel so very happy.  A jazzy little version of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” is running through my head.

I’m at work.  I have a really light workload today.  Create some charts – stamp some envelopes – cover for Toni on the phones while she goes to the doctor’s.  I’m leaving at noon.

No one has noticed my hair!  Oh well.  Sister Marguerite will be in soon & she’ll be sure to notice.

Later.  At Toni’s desk.  Toni noticed my hair as she was walking out.  “You cut off your hair!”  It’s funny how people don’t notice things until they’ve had a cup of coffee & a muffin.

I talked to Danielle last night.  She says Teddy is doing just fine.  Don’t listen to his tales of doom & gloom.  She says his mother offered to fly him down to Florida for the holidays but he refused.  & to think that last week he was singing the blues about having a lousy Christmas!  Cuz he was all alone!  If he wants to be lonely & alone for Christmas, then so be it!  He deserves it!

***

Christmas Eve.  At work.  I can hardly wait to leave at noon.  I had major insomnia last night.  & then when I did get to sleep, I had nightmares.  Something about a gang of rapists trying to get into my house – I didn’t recognize the place – & then when they did get in, they were smashing all my snow scenes & other Christmas knick-knacks – I was yelling for Teddy to help me – apparently, he was in the next room – but he never came.  I woke up crying & screaming.  I hate these nightmares.

Another dream I had was about The Canteen – I stopped in after work & I did a courtesy dance – stripping out of my office clothes – then I talked to a few admirers, telling them that I didn’t dance anymore, I worked “at Hospice”.  Then I sat at the bar with John Canton – I had a beer in front of me & I watched the bubbles rise in anticipation – but when I took a sip of the beer, it was bitter & nasty.  I sat at the bar with this terrible taste in my mouth!  The taste of disappointment & disgust!

Night.  In bed.  Totally exhausted.  Downstairs, Jesse & Randy are watching a movie with Bob.  Doreen stayed in Buffalo with her mother – Jesse brought the kids so Bob could see his grandchildren.  Tomorrow Helena & Geoff will be here with their kids & Rocco & Julie.  Tish & Brad are still in Germany.

I got another letter from Teddy – another self-pitying, cry-baby letter.  If I hadn’t talked to Danielle the other day, I might have fallen for it but I know better now.  He isn’t interested in getting over his grief or moving on.  He wants to feel bad & he wants to blame it all on me.  Well, he can go ahead & do whatever he wants – it’s his life.  Me – I want to move on & live as fully as possible.

***

One of the nicest Christmases I’ve had in years.  Jesse gave me a camera!  I have wanted a camera for years!  I used to use Teddy’s but of course it was his.  This new camera is a small Canon 35 mm & I have already taken a full load of film!  I can see that I am going to go broke buying film & getting pictures developed!  Jesse laughed.  “Take your time, learning how to take good pictures can’t be done in a day,” but I was just so happy to finally have my very own camera.

& I got high.  I know I shouldn’t have – but Jesse & Randy were going out & I knew – like the druggie that I am – that they were going to catch a buzz – & I said, “Can I come with you guys?”  I used the excuse that it was too noisy with all the kids but they knew, of course – that I wanted to smoke some weed.

It was weed that Randy grew this summer up where he’s living now in Appleton – my grandparents’ hometown! – & it was killer shit.  I haven’t gotten high since March & I only needed a few tokes to feel totally stoned.  But it was such a nice feeling!  I couldn’t believe how nice it was!  Totally different than drinking – or snorting coke – really the best feeling.

I asked Jesse about Doreen.  “Is her mother really that sick that she couldn’t come along?”

Randy snorted.  “Doreen’s mother is in a nursing home & she doesn’t need Doreen to look after her!  Doreen’s turned Jehovah Witness & she doesn’t celebrate Christmas anymore!”

I couldn’t believe it.  “Really, Jesse?  She’s one of those people who knock on your door & give you those stupid newsprint magazines about how the end of the world is gonna come?”

He laughed.  “Doreen’s lost her mind.  But hell – she doesn’t want to celebrate Christmas or birthdays or anything else, she doesn’t have to.  That saves me money – I don’t have to buy her anything.  But I’ll be damned if she takes that away from the kids.  Which is why I brought them down here.  Santa Claus might be a myth but it’s one that little kids need.”

“Big kids need it too,” I laughed.

***

Sleepy morning.  I could have easily stayed in bed all morning & slept happily with my Santa bear – another present.  But no – I had to work this morning & I was on the bus & going to Hospice to work at 7:30 this morning.  But oh yes.  I am so sleepy!  Even after a cup of Sumatran coffee & two cups of tea.  I almost fell asleep on the bus.

It occurred to me that by smoking those few tokes with Jesse & Randy that technically I’ve “relapsed” & I should tell my AA home group & my sponsor JoAnne but I don’t feel like I relapsed.  I didn’t get drunk – I didn’t take a drink – I didn’t even get stoned, really – just a nice little buzz.  I don’t see what’s wrong with marijuana.  & I slept well last night – the first night in weeks & weeks that I didn’t have any nightmares.  If marijuana can cure my insomnia & keep me from having terrible nightmares, then it’s well worth it.  & it’s medical in that case – not just getting high for the fun of it.  Which is altogether different.

Afternoon.  At Toni’s desk.  It has been snowing all morning.  About 4 or 5 inches have fallen.  It’s slowed down now – falling very slowly & lazily & the sun has come out.  It’s so beautiful – the snow on the tree branches – the frozen crystals sparkling in the sun.  I am the only one who thinks so.  Of course, I don’t drive in it but even when I did drive, I never complained because I enjoyed driving in the snow.  It was a challenge.  I understand that it’s a drag for other people but why not try to get as much enjoyment as you can?  But I think people enjoy complaining about driving more than they enjoy driving.  I also think they enjoy psyching themselves out – getting themselves all nervous & afraid.  They feed on those emotions until they’re so crippled they can’t see the beauty of the day.

An hour later.  It’s gotten dark again & it’s snowing.  Another inch has fallen since I last wrote.

I realize that I really enjoy being a receptionist.  I’m going to start looking for a receptionist position.  I’ll mention it to Deb but I’ll look on my own as well.

***

I had to run for the bus this morning.   I got up at 6 as usual but I was so tired that I ended up having to rush – take a shower, dress, make-up, make breakfast, my lunch, get on all my winter gear over my office gear – & it was 7:20 before I was out the door – so naturally I had to run for it.  It felt good – it’s a little warmer than yesterday – up to 15 – still brisk but nice.  I feel good.  I am wearing the cutest outfit today – black tights & a black turtleneck under the yellow gingham & black & red flowered calico dress Mom made me years ago – & my little black flats.  Red shoes would be adorable with this outfit.  Or little red or black booties.  I look like a little doll.  I don’t look anywhere near 30 years old – I look more like 25 – maybe younger!  I’m telling you – I love this haircut.  To think that Teddy told me that short hair would make me look old – I look younger than ever!  I bet I’d get proofed in a bar.  Not that I would walk into a bar – I can’t imagine taking a drink at this point now.  A few tokes off a joint is one thing – a drink is entirely different.

***

On my way to Buffalo with Bob.  We’re going to the house I shared with Teddy to pick up my stuff.  I have no idea what’s going to happen here.  I don’t know if Teddy has packed up the stuff I asked him to – I sent him a list in the Christmas card I sent him – or if I’m going to have to pack it all when I get there.  I really hope he isn’t going to be a drag.  Jesse is supposed to show up later on to help transport things to my new apartment in Cleveland.  I asked him on Christmas if he would help with my books – I think they’ll all fit in his van.  I don’t really have anything else.  All the furniture belonged to Teddy.  All I have are books & tapes & pots & pans & dishes.  & the plants – I want at least half of the plants.

***

Very sleepy.   I’m all moved into my new place but it’s been really tough.  I don’t know what I would have done without Bob & Jesse & Randy.  Yesterday Teddy didn’t have anything done – he didn’t have any boxes for me or anything.  I sent Bob to the nearest liquor store to pick up some empty boxes – you can always get boxes at a liquor store – & then I started going through the cupboards.  I wanted my dishes, my pots & pans, my Tupperware.  Teddy went ballistic.  He said he wasn’t going to have anything to “eat off of” & he had paid for the Tupperware “too”.  I gave in on the Tupperware because I wasn’t going to fight all day.  But I wanted my dishes – they had been my mother’s.  & I wanted my pots & pans – I have to be able to cook too.  I left him a few – I’m not an asshole.  Plus I hate that Teflon shit – he can have it.  I wanted the Revere Ware & my cast-iron frying pans.  & all my baking pans.  He’s not going to be baking cookies & cakes & pies.  I mean – get real already!

I wasn’t taking any furniture – he could have all that.  It was mostly his anyway.  Only the bookshelves were mine.  But he just made it really hard – being in such a pissy mood.  Even Jesse had to say something.  “You could have packed up her books at least,” he said. “Anyone can pack books.”  & he wouldn’t let me have any plants.  He argued that it was “too cold” to transport them that far.  We didn’t have any room for them anyway.  Jesse said he would bring them down when it gets warm.  I really hope so – I have perfect windows for lots of plants.  But it’s all over now – I’m in my new place – with furniture that Bob & Mom gave me out of their house – not a whole lot but enough for me.   All I need to do is unpack & decorate – the fun part of moving.

***

I can’t find my watch.

I am very tired.  I have been unpacking & putting things here or there & then deciding that I want them over there instead of here & moving things constantly.  Putting up a few pictures & setting up my desk.  Unpacking books.

I made a marvelous chicken soup – with carrots, potatoes, mushrooms, celery & onions.  Very filling.

It has been raining non-stop.  It rained all last week – then turned to snow – snow a lot this week & now rain all weekend.  There is extensive flooding – the worst in 30 years.

I have to find my watch.

***

The rain turned to freezing rain & then to snow.  Very cold.

I have to say that I feel very good this morning.  I slept pretty well last night – after taking two Benadryl – they really knock me out.  I know this is dangerous behavior for a drug addict but that’s life.  I have to sleep.  Without sleep, I’m done.  & I hate hate hate not sleeping.  Especially when I have to get up to go to work in the morning.  If I didn’t have to get up in the morning, it wouldn’t bother me as much.

Later.  Nothing to do.  I’ll have copies to make when the Mentor office calls back with the patient I.D. numbers for our new cases but meanwhile, I’ll sit here & sip my Coca-cola & eat some candy!

I have a nice evening planned.  I’m going to a meeting & then back home to my new place for my first New Year’s Eve alone & the first sober one in a long, long time.  Fifteen or so years.  I must admit – part of me is longing for a line in the worst way.  But I keep telling myself – if I were in Buffalo, we’d probably be smoking the shit, not snorting it – & what a way to spend your evening – waiting for your next hit off the pipe & depressed when it runs out.  Even with lines – you always want more – & you’re depressed when it runs out.  I’ll be glad when the holidays are over.

Noon.  At Toni’s desk.  Yuck – my coke’s getting warm.

It occurred to me – it’s been occurring to me all day long – what a year of change this year has been.  From the start – since New Year’s Day – the first New Year’s in years I had woken up without a hangover.  Also –  the first time in years I had quit drinking – even if it was only to try to lose a few pounds.  & of course – there were my awakening feelings for Pat – he was around so much – selling us weed – but also just to hang out – later, he told me that he was unable to stay away.  I remember watching “The Sandpipers” with him & the sexual tension was simply unbearable.  That was long before we ever even kissed.

Evening.   Home.  Dressed in red sweats, red V-neck sweater – festive red!

I’m about to bake an apple pie.  I bought some vanilla ice cream to go with it.  I’m taking it to the meeting later on.

Dancing & singing in the kitchen.

1990 – the year I finally did something about my unhappiness & my drug addiction – I never knew I would end up here – in a small apartment in Cleveland Heights – happy to be sober – getting ready to go to an AA meeting on New Year’s Eve.

What will 1991 bring?  When I read my diaries – especially 1989 & early 1990 – I know where & when I how I hit bottom & I hope – I sincerely hope – & I will – I will with all my might, my intelligence, my emotion & my physical body – that I will never ever go there again.  Resolution for 1991 & the rest of my life.  So mote it be!

Excerpts From a Diary 23

[Holidays 1983-1984]

Sitting at the bar at The Canteen.  It’s a pretty quiet evening – obviously, or I wouldn’t be sitting here writing.  If Shirley was here, I wouldn’t be able to get away with writing at the bar at all.  But Mo is here & she’s real mellow.  She used to be a dancer & she knows what it’s like when it’s slow.  Plus I always get her high, so she likes me.  Last week was a total party, so I guess it makes sense that today’s dull.  It should start picking up soon.  I hope someone I like comes in.  I know Jesse won’t be in – makes me so sad.  The evening will be so long.

I’m wearing a Grateful Dead t-shirt with the sleeves cut off, a red g-string, a leopard-print sash & my red pumps.  Real glamorous, right?  I just don’t feel like dressing up.  I’m making OK tips.  Tuesday’s tips always pay for dinner after work.  Usually we get pizza but tonight I want souvlaki from Kosta’s.

I’m writing as fast as I can.  All I have been thinking about is Thanksgiving.  I’ve been reading everything I can about roasting turkeys & I can probably recite the procedure backwards & forwards.  I rewrote Mom’s stuffing recipe, so I have that memorized, too.  We’re having curried corn & sautéed green beans & mushrooms.  & champagne – I definitely want champagne for my first Thanksgiving dinner.  We’re having Doug & Danielle over.  It feels strange not to be going to Mom’s house for Thanksgiving but I know I won’t be able to handle it – not with Doreen there with the baby – I know I’ll give myself away & I don’t want to do that.  They’re going to Doreen’s parents for Christmas.  It’s all planned out.  Everything’s changed since the baby arrived.  Apparently everything has to be planned down to the very minute.  Doreen is proving to be as anal as Teddy.

Jesse & Doreen’s son was born two weeks ago.  They named him Zach.  I’ve hardly seen Jesse since Zach was born.  It’s bad enough not to be able to make love anymore but not to even see him – & it’s even worse now with Teddy.  He’s practically asexual.  He wants it once a month or less.  How did I end up with a man like this?  I’ve always been totally horny – a slave to my body.  I want Jesse – I want him so badly.  I think about him all the time.

***

The night before Thanksgiving.  I’m sitting at home.  Bernie’s here.  I made tacos.  Teddy’s on the phone.  Pretty soon Danielle will be here – we’re going shopping for tomorrow’s meal.  I’d really like to stay home, but this is life.  We’ll have fun – roll some joints – make a party of it.  I worked at the law office today – I was so bored.  After my shift there, I went to The Canteen & had a few drinks & did a few sets – the other dancers hate it when I do that – just strip out of my street clothes – & get tips – but John Canton lets me do whatever I want to do – & he says it looks “good” when I come in with my office clothes on & I get onstage like that – all “classy” like that.  The guys love it too.  I have beautiful underwear now – lace & satin bras & matching thong underwear & garter belts for my stockings – I never wear pantyhose.  Everything I wear is sexy – even if it’s practical & comfortable.

Guess what Teddy told me when I got home from work?  William Morris – the poetry editor of the Buffalo News – called me.  He wanted to talk to me.  Over a month ago, I sent some poems in & I was sort of worried cuz I hadn’t heard anything.  I did SASE but nothing was returned.  Anyway, he hadn’t even opened the envelope until today & he called as soon as he read my poems.  He says they’re great & I’m great & he really wanted to talk to me.  He’s really excited, Teddy says.  I was so flipped out.  I couldn’t believe it.  I mean, I really like my poems, even the lousy ones.  I like reading them.  I think I’m getting better at writing.  Anyway, that really made my day.  I can hardly wait to tell Jesse.  Most of what I wrote this summer was for or about Jesse.  Jesse totally understands the artist in me.  Teddy supports me & is proud of me but he doesn’t understand me.  Teddy is not an artist.  Teddy’s totally great but he doesn’t get it.  Jesse & I operate on another level.  Maybe because we don’t deal with each other on a day-to-day basis.  Who knows.  I would like to think that Jesse & I could be happy living together as man & wife.  But who knows.  I’m so much in love with him.  Here I am – writing about Jesse – & Teddy is sitting next to me on the couch – but not close enough to see what I’m writing.  Teddy loves me far more than I love him.  I get pissed at myself for doing what I’m doing.  Teddy tells me all the time what a great wife I am – never bitchy, a great cook, good earner – which is all true – but I am not faithful – although I would be!!  I would be!!  If only Teddy would make love to me!!

& I’m so reckless – I’ve told Teddy almost all my feelings toward Jesse – it must be the Catholic girl in me – the urge to confess – I said that I consider Jesse my closest friend.  Which he is.  I mean – if I never do make love to Jesse again – oh the very thought makes me so depressed – but if we never love again sexually, I want to keep him as my very best friend – I want to have that kind of love.  True emotional love that lasts forever.  Teddy asked me if I fucked Jesse & of course I lied – I had to.  I didn’t want to – in fact I had set up the conversation in order to tell the truth but I just couldn’t.  My natural honesty struggles with my common sense.

I know I’m probably more in love than Jesse is – if he even is in love at all.  I was so totally in love this summer – I was completely shattered.  This summer was so hard anyway.  But I came to – emotionally – I had to – I had to maintain control.  Plus –  after I lost my ’67 Fury, I lost my independence.  I’m driving my new car now, but Teddy still comes along – he says I’m not ready to drive alone yet.  It’s my first stick-shift.  Plus he’s home all the time.  So it’s a good excuse on his part – he’s not doing anything anyway so he comes along with me to “make sure” I know what I’m doing when I’m driving.  Which – what the fuck – I most certainly do!  My father taught me how to use a stick when he was still alive – back when we lived in Massachusetts!  I know what Teddy is doing!  It’s insulting but there’s nothing I can do about it.  Just smile & say – sure come along – let’s cruise, let’s party.  Back when he was working, I used to jump in the car whenever & go wherever.  I’ve always loved cruising around the city.  So now I have Teddy with me all the time – oh well, that’s life.  It could be worse.

The last time I was with Jesse, he said he was going to remain “faithful” to Doreen now that they had a child – personally, I think he’s being faithful to the kid.  I don’t know why we have to stop.  It doesn’t make sense to me.  I don’t really want to take Jesse away from Doreen –  especially now that he’s got a kid with her.  & I really don’t want to leave Teddy – we’ve got the stag party business & I like our life together – basically – it’s just the sex part that sucks.  Why can’t Jesse & I be together sexually?  What’s so wrong with that?  Why is everyone so hung up on sex?  On marital fidelity?  To me, it seems simple.  Teddy is my husband – he has my loyalty, my love, my income & my total support.  Jesse is my lover – he has my passion, my sexuality, my body, my love.  Yes, they both have my love.  I don’t see a problem with this.  Why does everyone else?  What’s the fucking hang-up?

Honestly, I don’t think Jesse is going to stay “faithful” for long.  I think the novelty of being a new dad is going to wear off & also the novelty of being “faithful” to Doreen.  I know where all of this is coming from.  One of his best friends is Tony Padovano – a jazz guitarist who plays with fusion-type bands – he went out to L.A. a few years ago & apparently is doing real well out there – but anyway – years ago, the Padovanos & the Johnsons – as in Wayne Johnson, who is the same age as Tony – lived next door to each other in the same ritzy neighborhood in Eggertsville-Snyder – & apparently, Mrs. Padovano & Mr. Johnson had an affair & each divorced their respective spouses & married each other & moved into one big house with all the kids – it was like the Brady Bunch, only with two last names & a lot of bad feelings – so Jesse tells it.  & then Mrs. Padovano – I guess she would have been Mrs. Johnson by then – started having more children – so with all the stepchildren, there were also half-brothers & -sisters.  There was something like twelve or thirteen kids in the house by the time she was done having kids.  & a cook & a maid & dogs & cats – they were really rich – Mr. Johnson owned a string of laundromats & some retail stores & other businesses – he was a real wheeler-dealer.  He left everything to Wayne – Wayne runs all the businesses now.  Anyway – Jesse said that he was never going to put his kids through all of that.  But I don’t see how any of that would ever happen.  That seems like an extraordinary circumstance.  I’ve seen lots of divorced kids & usually they all don’t live together in one house like that.  Usually one parent or the other gets them & they visit on weekends or something.  & it doesn’t have to be all negative.  Just because Tony Padovano didn’t like the situation doesn’t mean all the kids didn’t like it.  I imagine the younger kids didn’t see it that way – I mean, it was the only family they knew, right?

& there’s all those marriages – & I can name quite a few of them – who should have broken up & never did – kids who saw their parents argue year after & year – or just endure each other – just short of hating each other – staying together for “the sake of the kids” – like that doesn’t lay a number on the kids – sometimes breaking up is the best thing you can do for your kids.  Teddy says that life was much calmer after his father moved out – he missed him but he couldn’t take the arguing between his mother & his father – & he knew that they loved each other – it was simply that they couldn’t live together.  & he loved getting together with his dad – going for rides in whatever hot car he had at the time – going out for dinner – doing all the cool father-son stuff that you don’t do when your dad is living at home.  There are perks to having your parents divorced.  It isn’t all negative.  I mean – there’s pros & cons to everything.

***

Thanksgiving.  I never thought things were going to turn out like this.  When I got home from shopping with Danielle last night, I started making the stuffing – I decided I wanted to have it ready & out of the way – cuz you can’t put warm stuffing into a cold turkey anyway –  & am I ever glad I did that!  I had just finished preparing it & was letting it cool when the phone rang.  It was around 8 p.m. or so – maybe a little later – & it was Leandra.  She said she had a quarter-pound of cocaine that she had to unload really fast – did I want it?  I said, “You had better talk to Teddy.”

So Teddy was on the phone for just a few minutes & he was out the door.  I thought – maybe I should make the curried corn & the green beans – so all I have to do is reheat them before dinner.  I had a feeling that it was going to be a partying night & I wasn’t going to be up to doing much on the holiday.  & I was right.  Teddy came back with a pile of cocaine.  & he was on the phone & then everyone started coming over.  The first person to arrive was Jesse.  He bought half of what Teddy had – for which I was really happy because a quarter-ounce of coke is a lot of fucking cocaine!   & we really can’t afford it!  But I was surprised to see him – I thought they were already gone to Cleveland.  But no – & Jesse stayed all night – partying with us – & we all went to Falco’s because Teddy had to meet Wayne there to sell him a pile – Wayne lives across the street from the bar – & we stayed there partying & closed the bar & I am very sure that Doreen is one pissed off babe.  “She can drive to Cleveland,” said Jesse, laughing.  Jesse & I played pool & basically hung out together all night & it was almost like we were the same old lovers we always were – he held me with his eyes & I could see that he still wanted me – or was it just the coke?  I really didn’t care – I was so blasted that I really didn’t care about anything.  It was a fun night but I was stuffing the turkey & getting it ready & I was sooooo burned out – Teddy was sleeping – somehow – & I was doing lines as I was in the kitchen – finally I got the turkey in & I was able to lie down on the couch – unable to sleep but at least I got a little rest.

The meal turned out OK – amazingly – we all managed to eat, even though we were all coked out & hungover.  I called Mom & she said that Jesse & Doreen arrived late & that Jesse seemed to “have a cold” – I said, “Oh, it’s going around.”  It sure is.

***

Halfway through December & I am working more than ever.  Three days a week at The Canteen – two nights a week at The Pipka Palace – two nights at Auric’s Den – but I won’t be there much longer – it’s way out past the airport & I really don’t like it there – but meanwhile I’ll work out the length of my contract & then leave.  Plus I’m doing stag parties – right now it’s Christmas parties – I’m booked up through the holiday.  Thank heavens for that – because Teddy is dealing coke that he’s getting from Leandra & her boyfriend Kyle – another Kingsman, of course – but naturally Teddy is doing almost as much as he’s dealing & instead of turning a profit, we’re actually falling behind!  So I have to work as much as I can.

***

Doreen’s father died.  He had a heart attack – I feel bad for her – nobody wants to deal with a funeral right before the holidays.  Plus for the rest of her life, every time Christmas comes around, she’ll think of her father’s death.  Teddy’s going to go to the wake – I can’t – I’m working that night.  The funeral is private – just for the family.   Her brother Bobby is coming up from Florida – I’ve never met him.  Jesse says he’s a jerk.

***

Jesse came over last night.  I was home – a rare night at home.  I was working on a new outfit – hand-sewing red spangles on a black spandex halter dress that I had stitched up on the sewing machine earlier in the evening.  Jesse was pretty pissed off – I could see that at a glance & his opening words confirmed his mood.  “Doreen’s crying, the baby’s crying, I had to get out of the house,” he complained.  I thought – what?  The baby isn’t even a month old & he’s got to escape its crying?  “You want a drink?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said, “but what I really want is some coke.  Teddy just called me & said he just reupped.”

“Yes he did,” I answered.  “He’s in the bedroom, weighing out grams.”  I walked to the hallway & called to Teddy, “Jesse’s here.” Then I went to the kitchen & mixed drinks for everyone.  Teddy came out – excited & upbeat as usual – carrying the hexagon mirror.  We all sat together in the living room.  Lines were laid out & snorted.  Jesse started talking almost before he had gotten his blow up his nose.  “The will was read today,” he told us.  “Really no surprises – the house goes to Doreen’s mom, most of the money – Doreen & her brothers get a share – not a lot but enough to take a trip or buy herself some new clothes – which she’ll need if she doesn’t lose the baby weight.”  He sucked down his drink & I took his glass & went into the kitchen to make him another one.  When I came back, he continued his rant.  “Doreen’s mom is already thinking of selling the house & Doreen wants her to move in with us – so she can watch the baby when we’re working – which isn’t a bad idea, actually – but damn!  I really don’t want to live with my fucking mother-in-law!”  He did another massive line. “I’ll have to redo the back of the house & make it into an in-law apartment – but I guess it’ll keep me busy during the winter when I’m laid off.”  He did another line.  “But that’s not the half of it.  Remember that ’53 Panhead Doreen’s dad had?”

“That old Harley he’d ride once a year?” Teddy replied.

“Yeah,” Jesse answered.  “Well, he left it to me in his will.”

“Wow, excellent!”  I enthused.

“Well – Tommy doesn’t think so.  Neither does Bobby.”

“Bobby doesn’t even ride.  He’s never ridden motorcycles – he’s never wanted to,” Teddy said.

“Bobby just wants to sell it & get the money from it.  & Tommy thinks he should have it cuz it was his father’s, even though he’s always gone out of his way to ridicule Harleys & anyone who rides them.  Old man Miller made fun of Tommy’s café racer,” Jesse added, laughing.  But he sobered up after another drink.  “It was one hell of an argument after the will was read.  Not just the Harley but his hunting guns – he left most of his stuff to me & not to Bobby or Tommy or to Doreen.  Not that Doreen would want those shotguns & neither Bobby nor Tommy hunt but of course Bobby will sell anything you give him & Tommy always followed Bobby’s lead in anything anyway.  But I was always real close to the old man & Bobby & Tommy just weren’t!  Bobby’s just a jerk!  Doreen’s the only one who really likes him but she’ll see the good side of the devil.  & then Bobby & Tommy were both saying they going to contest the will & the lawyer saying that if that happens, nobody gets anything at all – including Doreen’s mom – so then Doreen was all upset at all of us – like I was the one who caused this shit storm – I didn’t ask for that Harley, but I don’t plan on giving it up, since the old man wanted me to have it – I was born in ’53 – I’m sure that’s why he wanted me to have it.”  He did the lines that Teddy laid out.  “& I want those guns, too.  That Remington is one sweet shotgun.  I’ve shot it dozens of times.  The old man & I used to hunt every year, before he got so arthritic he couldn’t climb a tree anymore or even walk very far.”

Jesse left soon after that – Teddy said, “That family always did argue about every little thing.  Old man Miller is probably laughing wherever he’s at – I’m sure he wrote that will & gave that ’53 Panhead & those guns to Jesse just to piss off Bobby.  He never did like him.  I was never really sure why.”

***

Christmas.  A weird Christmas – on a Sunday, which never feels right to me.  We’re in Cleveland – I worked every night this week, including yesterday – The Canteen was open until 6 p.m. – then Teddy & I drove to Cleveland – well, he drove, I sat next to him & kinda of dozed.  I’m so burned out.  But I was able to get everything I wanted for everyone – shopping after work, before work – whenever I could fit it in.

Jesse & Doreen aren’t here – they’re at her mother’s – the first holiday after her father’s death, which can’t be easy.   But everyone else is.  Helena announced that she’s expecting her second child probably in June or early July.  Little Vanessa is a doll – will there be a Virginia or Clive to go with her?

I’ve got to go – it’s time for dinner – prime rib & mashed potatoes & mixed green salad & half a dozen other sides – always too much food at our family functions but I guess that’s the point – it’s a feast.  It’s just I’ve been doing so much coke this past month & lost so much weight that I really can’t eat much anymore.  Still – it all smells heavenly.

***

The day before New Year’s Eve.  I just got home.  I went shopping – I needed a new pair of shoes for work – which I got on sale at Baker’s downtown – I love that store.  I got the most adorable pair of red pumps – very plain but so comfortable & they make my legs look fabulous.  Then I went over to Jesse’s.  He is working on his house – turning the back apartment into an in-law apartment for his mother-in-law.  She’s moving in next week.  He had to redo the bathroom – she needs a railing along the walls because of her arthritis – & fix the steps going into the kitchen & add a doorway so that her apartment & his house are now connected.  He’s almost done.

Doreen & the baby are staying at her mother’s while Jesse’s working on the house – because of the dirt & dust & noise – so it was the perfect time to sit & talk about US & this business of him being “faithful” now that they have a kid.  He rolled up a fat doobie & we did talk.  Or anyway, he did.  “Well, the thing is, Cori,” he told me, “with my mother-in-law living here now, it’s not like you’re going to be able to come over whenever you want anymore & just hang out like you used to.  & I’m going to be working much more – they’re going to make me a foreman, so I probably won’t be laid off all winter long anymore.  I’ll be working, even if the rank & file aren’t.  & I have to work now – I’ve got a kid.”

I didn’t say anything.  I was thinking about how wonderful love was with him & how I didn’t want to give it up.

He continued, “I still want you.  I’ll always want you.  I want you more now than I ever have.  That isn’t going to change & Cori – ” he took the joint from my hand & placed it in the ash tray & then took both my hands in his – “Cori, I love you.  I know that now.  Maybe it was just sex this summer – yeah, I know it was – cuz Doreen was pregnant & I needed an outlet – but you really got to me.  You really did.  You’re the woman I’ve always wanted – ” he broke off.  I waited.

After a minute, he continued, “& now Doreen is talking about getting pregnant again as soon as possible & I don’t know if I want four or five or six kids, like she’s talking.  I don’t know if I want to go to church & be a straight-laced dude like she now wants me to be.”

I looked at him & smiled sadly.  “Jesse, I can’t make these decisions for you.”

“They’ve already been made for me,” he answered.

“Only if you think so,” I replied.  I got up & was going to leave but he pulled me back down.  “Don’t go,” he said.  “What’s the point of staying?” I asked.  “I want you to stay,” he told me, “please stay.”

So I did.  & it was good – so very good – better than ever.  We’re made for each other – our bodies fit – like they were built for each other.  & just breathing in his scent – my face buried in his chest hair – oh –

& I’ll tell you something – no matter what Jesse says – about being faithful to Doreen & his family – about his mother-in-law moving in – about becoming a foreman in the union & working all the time – it’s not going to end.  Because he can’t stay away from me – he just can’t.

***

New Year’s Day, 1984

Hungover.  Although I don’t feel as bad as I thought I would – we tripped & did coke & drank – we were over at Wayne Johnson’s New Year Party until 2 a.m., then closed Falco’s – which was ok – I mean, it was a lot of fun.  It was New Year’s Eve!  So I’m hungover today.  I guess you’re supposed to be hungover on New Year’s Day, right?

It was a fairly good night.  Jesse & Doreen were over earlier in the evening – mostly to buy coke – they left Zach at Doreen’s mother’s – & you could tell Doreen was pissed off about something – either because Jesse was buying coke or that she was away from the baby or something.  Jesse did up almost his entire gram hanging out with us & having drinks & I don’t think she was happy about that, either.  She wouldn’t have any alcohol & no coke at all although she did smoke a few toke off the joint we passed around.  She said she wasn’t breast-feeding anymore, so it can’t be that she’s afraid the kid will get drugs via her breast milk.  I don’t know what her problem is – she used to party like the rest of us.  But – people change.  I feel bad for Jesse.  I had a feeling they were going to be arguing for their New Year’s toast.  I’ve said it a hundred times – if you’re a partier, you have to be married to a partier, or it won’t work.  Doreen deciding that she doesn’t want to party anymore is like changing the rules in the middle of the game.  What’s Jesse supposed to do?  What would I do if Teddy decided he didn’t want to party anymore?  Really – that’s the only thing we have in common.

After they left, we went over to Wayne’s & by then the acid was kicking in – & I have to say, I really didn’t enjoy myself much – I was tripping too much to be at a party – you have to be able to interact with other people when you’re at a party – I was tripping too intensely for that & anyway – tripping is more fun when you can just hang out & listen to music & dance & watch the trails coming from the tips of your fingers.  But Teddy wanted to trip, so we tripped.  It’s always overkill with him.  I peaked around midnight & then I was coming down & able to really party.  By the time we went to Falco’s, I was me – the Cori everyone knows – singing, dancing – but I was sick this morning & I’m super tired right now.  & kinda depressed.  It’s another cold, blah day.

& I’m wondering – when will I see Jesse again?  Will I see Jesse again?

 

 

 

 

Excerpts From a Diary 15

[Holidays, 1980]

Thanksgiving.  Dinner at our house with Helena & Geoff, Henry home from Germany on leave for several weeks before going to Colorado, & Mom’s new boyfriend Bob – from A.A., of course – & his family – his older kids who are all from Buffalo & his younger ones who live here.  I was amazed to recognize Jesse & Doreen, who I had met so long ago – “You’re Bob’s son?” I asked.  “Yes, unfortunately,” he laughed.  There was an older sister – Ruthann & her husband Steve – a younger sister, Theresa, who is going to beauty school – very vain & stuck-up – & a 12-year-boy named Randy – handsome like Jesse but not much to say – sulking most of the time.  With Tish & Rocco & me, it was a very full table.

The meal was fabulous – Mom always cooks a great meal – & Bob is a chef at Tanglewood Country Club & he brought several delicious sides – although he used to be a Union Plumber out of Niagara Falls Local 129.  During coffee & pie, he told us his story – a typical AA drunkalogue, really – but interesting.  “I was always a drunk,” he said, “from the time I was Randy’s age, here, younger than Randy – I could always drink with the best of them & with the worst of them, too!  I had no interest in school & if it hadn’t been for the army, I probably would have been a bum.  But the army taught me a trade & when I got out, I joined the union & got married.  & had these four wonderful children.  & built a nice life in Getzville, New York.  I worked hard, I played hard but I wasn’t out of control until my wife got breast cancer & died.  & I took it very personally.  I was very angry.  I was mad at her, I was mad at God, I was mad at the world.  In a very short time, I lost my job, I lost my house, I was on my way to losing my family.  Luckily, I had a few friends in the trade who were also in the Program & they got me into detox & then into rehab & then I found A.A.  & A.A. quite literally saved my life.  I do not have to drink today.  I have a personal relationship with God today.”

“How did you end up here?”  I asked.

“I wanted to see the birthplace of A.A.,” he answered, “& I came down here for Founders Day & never went back.  I sold my house, found another one here & then found another job – met a guy in the rooms who said he needed a guy to help out in the kitchen at Tanglewood – so that’s how I got the job.  So now I’m a chef!  Anything can happen when you’re sober!  Anything!  I met your beautiful mother!  Life is great!”

After dinner, I went out with Jesse & Randy & Doreen & caught a buzz in his van.  We drove around for a while.  He had some really good weed.  “My dad was really a terrible drunk,” Jesse said, “but he’s kinda more obnoxious now, if you want to know the truth.”  We all thought that was hilariously funny.

***

Snowstorm.  No school, no one’s going to work.  I’m not sure if I have work or not.  Being the holidays, it’s not a good time for the store to be close.  But I really hope not.  I really don’t want to drive in this.  But I guess the best way to learn how to drive in snow is to do it, right?

I dreamed last night, so many dreams.  I can’t remember most of them – I do remember waking up at 3 a.m., having to pee, & being amazed that it was only 3 because I had been dreaming so much.  So then I fell back asleep & I was at The May Company.  Diana was at dinner & Birdie had hurt herself – poked herself in the eye with mascara or something – & had gone home, so it was only me & it was busy.  I was running back & forth, fetching boxes, getting so tired.  Several pretty boys came – one with baby blankets, two others with towels – I checked them out & turned them away – “I’m sorry, I can’t put non-May Company merchandise into May Company boxes.  Get your own boxes & I’ll be happy to wrap them for you.”  The dream faded.

I woke in another room – with the Grateful Dead.  I was talking to Bob Weir.  He asked me if I wanted to fuck.  I said yes.  Since we were at his house, we went into his bedroom – I commented on the extremely long bed.  We fucked & fucked & fucked – it was great!  Later, we laid there & talked.  He told me about the first time we’d met, at R’s house in Manchester-by-the-Sea!  I said I couldn’t remember.  Jerry Garcia knocked & entered.  He had cut his hair & beard, looking sort of like he did in the late sixties – only beautifully grey.  Gradually the room filled with people, the talk lively.  Jerry made a plateful of deviled eggs.  Donna Godcheaux was there – only she had cut her hair too – in a shag! – & dyed it blonde.  She was telling Jerry about her plans to go to Manhattan soon.  A fat chick handed out the eggs & she said to me: “I hope you’re not planning to make such overt displays of sexuality a habit!”  I said, “That is not my business.”  I leaned back to enjoy my full, fat feeling of sexual fulfillment – my eyes popped open, I was in my own bed.  Tish was dressing.  She said she had dreamed a lot too.

***

OH MY GOD JOHN LENNON WAS SHOT LAST NIGHT – by a deranged fan – some guy who asked for an autograph & then shot him – I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE IT!!!!  I wore white today to work – white jeans & a white shirt & a black arm-band – I didn’t give a shit who got pissed off about it.  It was like someone shot my own brother – like it was Henry who was shot.  Even more so.  I mean – Henry’s my brother & everything but he’s never said a word that I feel is engraved on my heart & soul – like so many of John’s songs & even his silliest utterance.  Oh why would someone want to kill John Lennon?

***

Donovan called & we are going shopping tonight.  Right now I’m off to Unger’s Deli – I have a list of things to buy there.  All kinds of Kosher goodies for a party we’re going to.  & then over to Coventry in Cleveland Heights to try to find something cool for Donovan.  I’m so behind with Christmas shopping.  We’re meeting at Arabica Coffee – I rarely drink coffee but they have the very best coffee in the world there.  Also really great teas.

After Christmas, things will be better.  I’ll have more time to write, it won’t be so busy at work – it’s been insane – all I’ve done is work & party.

Last night Donovan & I tripped & it was so great – really great!  I love tripping!! We went to see Let it Be – it was sooo good – I was in tears because of John – such genius – plus he made me think of Jon – oh, how I miss him! After the movie we parked & fucked & fucked & fucked – trying all sorts of different positions, getting leg cramps, because that car is big but it’s small!  I LOVED IT!!! I was so horny.  Donovan says he can’t fuck as much as I want – he doesn’t think any man can!  Well, that’s my curse!  I am horny ALL the time!

I am SO hooked on that man – I really am.  I never thought I would end up feeling like this about him.  But I gotta go now or I’ll never meet him on time.

***

Christmas depressed me again this year.  I can’t get over the disappointment of not getting quite what I wanted – which is not to say that I didn’t like what I got – but somehow nothing really rang true.  Donovan’s gifts are the only ones that really made me squeal.  & they were all just the simplest things – black leather gloves & a red plaid flannel night shirt & some Grateful Dead albums.  He is really sweet.  But the stuff from my family – especially my mom – it seems too silly to count, but I got less than anyone else – stop it!  I got a car!  I mean – I got it last October – but that’s a lot – even if it is a beater – it’s still a car! – but when I had my heart set on an electric typewriter – even though I knew I wouldn’t get one – I did get a beautiful cashmere sweater – as opposed to Tish’s beautiful felt hat & toaster over – but the sweater was pale lavender – I never wear that color, I wouldn’t think of wearing lavender! – oh stop competing – be happy – but I can’t quite drive the jealousy that still hangs out in my heart.  I guess the disappointment of not going to midnight Mass with Donovan because of the fucking snow storm – & my overwhelming fatigue – sorta colored the whole day.  I was so fucking bored.  Needless to say, I am now.  Don’t I always write when I’m bored?

Bob was here with Randy & Theresa – Jesse & Doreen were at her parents & so were Ruthann & Steve.  Theresa had not a word to say to me & Randy was as exciting as any twelve-year-old-boy could be.  Sulking about something or another.  I spent most of the day sleeping.

***

New Year’s Eve day.  I went to the bank, then to the liquor store to buy bourbon for Donovan, then to the post office.  I needed stamps for poems & short stories I’m sending out to be published – the whole SASE thing.  I called Donovan from a pay phone but he wasn’t home – I wanted to see if he’d gotten the coke for tonight – I really want to party for  tonight!  He said he might be able to get some opium, too.  Donovan usually can find whatever he’s looking for.  There was a little chunk of hash in the finger of the black leather gloves that he gave me for Christmas.  I’m saving it for a special occasion.

I was bored so I drove out to Gates Mills to our old neighborhood.  I was smoking a doobie & had the radio on – just stupid Christmas tunes, nothing special.  I had just gone into the North Chagrin Reservation when I saw a runner & on closer scrutiny, I saw that it was Mark Miles.  I honked my horn & yelled, “Mark!” hanging out my car door – he recognized me & yelled, “I gotta run!” & went on – why why why am I bitter about that too – because I’m still bitter about how he spent the whole summer down here & didn’t even call – I didn’t even know he was here until I went to Buffalo this summer & Sara asked me about him – which I guess bleeds into the bitterness I still feel about any of my old friends never seeking me out – I mean, I still have feelings & regards for friends of my past – was I so messed up –  did I bleed over everyone so heavily that no one wants to see me anymore?

But I guess I don’t really want to see anyone I used to know, either.  I do & I don’t.  Obviously I want to see Mark – he was one of my very best friends.  I don’t want to go through what I’ve been doing the last two weeks –  cuz that’s a drag – nor do I want to hear how terrific I look now.  None of that small talk bullshit.  I just wanna smoke a joint with people I still consider friends & talk about old times & what we’re doing now.  Man, I envy people who have friends, the ones they’ve had for years, cuz I don’t – I have Donovan & I have Wendy at work & maybe 1 or 2 others – but I really don’t hang out with any group of people – just Donovan –  it’s only just Donovan.  And with us, it’s either really great or it’s not.  He’s tired or I’m tired or pissed off or something.  But when we go to heaven, man, we don’t fool around.  We go all the way – all the way to paradise.  But I know Donovan will eventually choose his friends over me.  I can’t help it that I don’t fit in.  I never fit in.  I don’t know why I don’t fit in but I don’t – I never have – not even in my own family.

I’M SO BUMMED OUT I WANNA CRY CRY CRY

Excerpts from a Diary 11

[Holidays, 1979 – 1980]

 

Just got home from the Rockers party – the new rock’n’roll magazine that is hitting the streets – Jon & Sara & Harry G & a bunch of other Spectrum writers are in on it – all the Buffalo punksters were at the party.  & lots of other rockers & musicians – everyone who was anyone was there.  They played “Underground Radio” on the PA – Chaotic Bliss’s new single – although I thought that “Moonshine Meditation” should have been the single – it’s definitely their best song – but even I had to agree that the first single had to feature Bard on vocals.  Everyone was dancing – it’s a good tune.  It’s just not “Moonshine Meditation”.

I was depressed at the party – oh I appeared to be having a good time – but Barrett was there with Rina & Joey was there with Pam & Marc was there with Mary K. – honestly, I should have been there with Bard – on Bard’s arm – that would make sense – but I was alone.  Bard was noshing with everyone like he was the King of Buffalo Punk – even though Chaotic Bliss is really not a punk band – they’re more like an old-time rock’n’roll band – like Ten Years After or Spirit or something.  Or even The Mothers of Invention.  Or Captain Beefheart.  They’re that out there sometimes.  I mean – songs like “Love During the Sauron Invasion” & “Lick Me with Your Lizard Lips” – of course Bard wrote those – they’re just rock’n’roll craziness.  & like – none those bands didn’t really fit into their time, either.  Chaotic Bliss can’t be neatly fitted into one rock’n’roll category.  They’re too intelligent for that & that’s going to be their downfall.

I had a small moment alone with Barrett.  We were standing back to back.  Rina had gone to the bar for drinks or to the ladies’ room or something.  I was getting drunk & I was pissed off.  I know I had no right to be angry but the feeling was there & I wasn’t going to deny it.  I turned to him & said, “You know, you like this, don’t you.  Having your wife here & having me here.  It doesn’t even matter if you ever have me for real, does it.  It’s all about the fantasy.  Cuz you can go home & bring out your little fantasy of Cori & I’m right there for you.”  Then I saw Rina coming back so I moved away.

Later I went to McVan’s with David Kane of Electroman.  I didn’t even know he knew me – maybe he doesn’t know me – I was standing alone & maybe he just felt sorry for me.  On the way there, he had the radio on & “Rapper’s Delight” came on.  Everyone’s been making fun of this so-called tune but David said, “Mark my words.  This tune is going to revolutionize music.”

I didn’t stay at McVan’s very long.  Dave was on his way downtown & so I called a cab & came home – I usually don’t take cabs but I have extra money right now because it’s Christmas – it’s always nice to be able to take a cab home.

***

I’m really stoned.  I got home about a half-hour ago – the only place that was open today – it being Christmas – was China Dream all the way over on East Delavan Avenue – luckily they sell beer as well as Chinese food so I was able to get a 6-pack with my beef chop suey & egg rolls.  I was pretty bummed when I got here – the house was dark – no one was home – Mac is still out having dinner at his sister’s & Bard must be out too.

I wish we had a Christmas tree or something.  We don’t even have lights up around the windows.  Up & down the street, there’s houses all decorated up & it looks so nice.  Bard is atheist & Mac said he stopped celebrating the holidays when he broke up with Shera.  Of course breaking up with Shera doesn’t stop him from going over there with presents for her.  Nor does it stop him from going to his sister’s house for Christmas dinner.  Bard is out somewhere too, having Christmas dinner with friends of his – because being atheist doesn’t stop Bard from eating & drinking, especially if it’s someone else’s food.  Of course I could have gone back to Cleveland but I just didn’t want to.  So here I am – smoking weed & drinking beer – all alone on Christmas.

Over there is Barrett’s bass – just seeing it makes me want him.  He’s in San Francisco with Rina – they’re there for the holidays.  I miss him.  I miss the entire band.  I won’t see any of them for a while – except Bard & he doesn’t count.

We had gigs for the holidays – we could be gigging this weekend at the Masthead.  But Barrett is in San Francisco.  So there you go.  If Barrett was really into Chaotic Bliss, he would be here – he would be honoring his commitments.  Not going to the West Coast with his wife.

***

I can’t believe I’m not working at the English Department anymore, although it’s a relief – it really is.  I’m so happy to be able to sleep in again & not have the stress of having to get to work on time.

Today I cleaned house & applied for jobs all up & down Bailey Ave & paid the phone bill.  It would be nice to get a part-time waitress job – & a part time job doing something else – I’d like to spend my days at home, writing.  I like being at home, but at night, I want to be out.

I have to find a job fast.  The rent’s due the first & although I have a paycheck coming Friday, it’s only $56 & most of it will go to bills.  I don’t wanna worry – I don’t wanna worry – but we’re out of pot & it’s hard to push problems away when I’m straight.  I’m not a “if I don’t think about it, it’ll go away” kind of person cuz I know what has to be done & I’ll do it.  It’s just now – I don’t want to worry.

I called Jon but there wasn’t any answer.  I wonder if he’s moved in with Sara yet.

***

Tonight is Beatles night at Stage One with 50-cent drinks & I’d be almost tempted to go – if someone called me to go with them – which they won’t – since Bro got married, I don’t hear from him anymore & Crony went to Texas or someplace & I don’t hear from any of the Ellicott Complex group anymore.  But since I’m not going to school, it’s like I live in an entirely different universe.  I wish I could go back.

Once in a while I hear from Eddie.  He called me on Christmas Eve.  He was pretty wasted but of course so was I.  He said he was going to be coming for me in the spring, when he could ride his Harley out here.  I would really love to see him again & ride with him.

I’m so lonely.  I’m not as down as I was earlier.  I’m gonna remain firm in my resolution to stay off liquor & diet & exercise & work hard at writing & being a good mother to Chaotic Bliss – but I need someone – I need someone now – tonight – & there’s no one to call & even if there was, I’d be too proud to call anyway.  Oh why are all the guys in Chaotic Bliss married?  Or at least in a committed relationship?  Why is there no one for me?

Resentment – bitterness – tears – longing – desires – fears – loneliness –

Neil Young’s on the radio.  Play some Linda Ronstadt so I can sing!  Singing – like dancing – like doing drugs – just another way of forgetting –

Putting pain on hold, baby.

***

I got the waitressing job at Pizza Palata.  It’s only part time nights but it’s a start & it takes the edge off my anxiety somewhat.  I should go down & apply for food stamps but I’m a little reticent – too much pride, ya know.  Hopefully a job will come through – part time days at AM&A’s or Hengerer’s or some other store – or maybe even babysitting.  I should check out The Buffalo Rocket & some of the other little newspapers.

I haven’t lost any weight yet – of course it’s too soon to tell anyway – but with all the exercising I’ve been doing, my figure is getting redefined.  Dancing as much as I do really helps – my legs & ass are firm – not flab like they once were.  I want to start running.  Well, no I don’t – I hate running – but Jon runs & if I can get into it, maybe someday we can do a few miles together.  I know if I try to start now, the cold air will be too hard on my lungs.

But this is the first time in my life I have ever looked at my body in an athletic way.  In terms of muscles & making myself strong.  I feel good about myself & how my body is changing.

***

I’m stoned.  Mac & his new girlfriend Trish bought an ounce last night & I’ve been doing bong hits all morning.  Bard bought the cats some catnip so they’re stoned too.

I miss Barrett terribly.  I miss the Bliss.  I can hardly wait until Barrett comes home & they play again.  I’m such a groupie but so fucking what.  I miss my band.

Tonight I’ve got to work.  I hope it’s not too boring.

***

Trish & her man John were over just now – they were going to go to the Tralf with Mac but finally they decided not to go & we all sat around, smoking joints.  We talked & listened to music.  I was very opinionated – about the band “Battered Wives” – then I caught myself.  I listened to the music & watched John.

I wanted to say to him & Mac – but caught myself in time – I’m getting better at that – “How can you just sit there & talk so normally, so calmly, like you were just plain old friends?”   Because I can barely stand to talk to Rina.  & yet I am drawn to her – at the Rockers party I talked to her for quite a while.  Perhaps because she is part of Barrett – they’ve been married a long time – loving him means accepting her & treating her with respect.  She cannot be denied – as much as I try to ignore her – she is his wife & she has a greater claim on him than I can ever hope to have.

I wondered if Mac & John were uncomfortable – or if they were in pain.  Trish spends several nights a week here with Mac & every other night with John.  I heard that John really loves Trish & is really hurt by her taking Mac as a lover.  Mac says he doesn’t care what John thinks or feels but I wonder.  How can he not?  I’m not sure where Trish’s head is at.  She was clearly uncomfortable & I could feel guilt all through her.  There was a strange vibe in the room but I couldn’t analyze it because I had never felt it before.

John got up & said it was time to go.  Trish got up & followed him out.  I saw her coat on the sofa & thought:  she forgot her coat.  Then I realized:  “Oh!  She’s staying!”

“Yeah,” said Mac.

I blurted – “I wish someone would stay with me!”  I was thinking about it cuz it’s been a long long time  – I can’t help but wondering about it cuz I had so many boyfriends in high school & now there’s no one at all. Or – there’s shadows.  Shadow lovers.  Secret lovers.  I think – I’m at a point intellectually & emotionally where the only people I’m attracted to are already settled – people my own age don’t interest me – I’m beyond all that.  I’m ready for something that maybe isn’t ready for me yet.  I’m outside – alone – aloof – waiting – trying to find my own niche – & it isn’t working.  That is my pain – my cross – my curse.  The loneliness – the way I never fit in anywhere.  & somehow – even as I understand myself better – the pain doesn’t diminish.  It’s changed as I’ve changed – but it hasn’t diminished.  Cuz knowing what the pain is – knowing what causes it & how it works – all that doesn’t make it go away.  I’m beginning to lose hope.  I’m afraid.  I don’t want to get bitter & hard!  It’s a struggle & only helps the pain – aids & abets the pain – which makes it more hopeless.  It’s a large circle –

***

Last night I went out with Bard.  I wasn’t going to go anywhere.  Since Barrett’s been out of town & the Bliss isn’t playing,  Bard’s been hanging out with Billy Sheehan.  He got really drunk with him the other night.  I was really amazed – Bard’s not a drinker.  Anyway, Talas was playing Stage One last night – a big New Year’s Eve Party.  I didn’t have any plans – why would I?  Everyone I know has a mate.  I was sitting in the living room, sipping tea & reading when Bard burst in & told me I was going to Stage One with him.  I said, “Yeah, right.”

“You can’t sit here all alone all night, it’s New Year’s Eve.  I’m on the guest list & I can bring someone.  Get dressed, you’re going out with me.”

I’m not even into Talas!  But they were fun. & I got free drinks & champagne at midnight & Bard even kissed me.  I didn’t dress up – all I wore were jeans & my hot pink sweater.  Compared to the other girls, I was downright dowdy.  But I just didn’t care.

At home, I was hoping that Bard might kiss me again – might even want to start the new year together.  But he said “Good night” & went to bed alone.

So – in the end – I brought the New Year in all alone.