luvappleblog

a novel in progress

Tag: The Spiral Dance

Excerpts From a Diary 44

[Fall, 1990]

Starting to talk about the depth of my pain in the rooms – very lightly.  My dissatisfaction with my marriage – how I miss my career – my inability to find a job.  Always stressing that I am gratefully sober but I realize that something is missing.  & I want to find out what that is.

***

I went to Mooncircles with Shera – what a beautiful store & what lovely ladies who own it.  I bought the 10th anniversary edition of The Spiral Dance – I’ve wanted that book forever.  I have most of it copied from Anna’s original version in my BOS.  There were so many books there I wanted to buy – also jewelry, clothes, tapes, candles, incense.  We met J. there & all of us went up to the Lexington Food Co-op & then to The Wild Thing & a Stained Glass Shop.  Then to the Towne Restaurant on Allen Street for a bite to eat.  At the Towne, we met a guy named Andy who plays in the Outer Circle Orchestra.  We hit it right off.  He’s Buddhist – the Tantric Yoga variety.  It seems that even when I am out with women, I meet a guy.

***

Finally trying to talk with Teddy.  Telling him how I feel – how I don’t feel – how, why.  What to do.  What I’d like.  Why I have so much trouble expressing myself.

***

6 months without a drink.

I have a job interview at ABC Hardware at 4 p.m.  It’s just a cashier’s job but it’s within walking distance.

***

I got the job!  I start tomorrow!

***

A Mabon dinner:  roast chicken stuffed with rice with onions & celery, mixed vegetable, peach crisp & ice cream for dessert.

Walking to the store to buy ice cream, I looked at the sky crowded with grey & black clouds & felt the wind sharp against my face.  Cold inside my lungs.  My spirit soared & I thanked the Goddess for all my being.  Thank you for everything. 

***

I dreamed about Pat again.  Making love again.  I wore a white eyelet petticoat & camisole. We were at Shera’s house or a place like it – a Goddess place.  Jasmine incense burned.  We made love again & again until we were bathed in a white light.  We were Goddess & God.

I could feel really sad after these dreams but part of me feels like if I can live like this in my dreams, maybe I don’t need Pat in real life.  That maybe the Goddess is giving me these dreams to keep that part of me alive & I am going to be OK without Pat in my life.

***

I quit my job at ABC.  My new boss was a total jerk.  He had to control everything & everyone.  I cannot work with someone looking over my shoulder – constantly telling me what to do & how to do it.   Something else will turn up.

***

I love when I read a section of Anaïs Nin’s diaries & I recognize a corresponding section from one of her novels.  Often the incident is lifted verbatim – only the names are changed.  How I hope that I can do it so well.  Lift & rearrange & rename.

I work at my novel – working on the Chaotic Bliss novel – drawing on memories & imagination.  It goes very slow.  How can it not?  The fact is – I am a very slow writer.  But also – I’m constantly looking for work – which is full-time job in itself – I go to three meetings a week or more – I do all the housework, laundry, cook all the meals – plus a spiritual practice – & study.  That doesn’t leave much time for writing.  & hopefully, next semester, I’ll be back in school.  I really hope so.  I really want to finish my degree.

But – I am in no hurry.  I used to get so anxious – worrying that I was running out of time.  Now I don’t worry.  I live one day at a time – live it to the fullest – no matter what I am doing that day.  If I am writing, I am writing to the fullest.  I am doing something else – no matter what it is – I am doing that to the fullest.

Today is our eighth wedding anniversary.  I cooked us a special dinner – filet mignon, baked potato, salad, ice cream for dessert.  Teddy gave me a card – I have to admit, I never even thought of getting him a card – & I felt really bad about it.

& then I think – is this what I really want?

I feel like the Fool in the Tarot – blithely stepping off the cliff’s edge.

I just wish this was all over with.  The tension of living day to day with Teddy – talking about what we will be doing in November – December – next spring – at the same time – mentally packing to leave in a few week – deciding what to take & what to leave – deciding what is truly important in my life.

No wonder I can’t sleep.

***

I am so hideously depressed I can’t believe it.  Another cold rainy day.   It’s hard to believe that anyone can be so depressed & go on living.  Teddy is so determinedly cheerful – it grates on my nerves.

***

Darryl went to Virginia to detox but he’s back now & he’s been calling with all these deals & Teddy wants to go down there & party.  & that’s the last thing I want to do.  I don’t want to spend the money & I don’t want to blow my sobriety.  What did he think I was doing in Lowell?  Vacationing?  Seeing the sights?

No – I have to get out of here.  I’m never going to stay sober if I stay.

I will miss Teddy terribly.  I worry about him – I know he will be terribly lonely – terribly depressed – especially as the holidays roll around.  Knowing this has stopped me dozens of times in the past.  Paralyzed me, in fact.  But I’ve got to do what I must do – I must do what I think will make me happy – & healthy.  It hurts.  This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

***

I feel really good right now.  I had a long talk with Alex from the Sunday night AA meeting.  She studied psychology for seven years – she wanted to become a psychologist but marriage, babies & having to work got in the way – she said she noticed how nervous & unsettled I am around Teddy – like I didn’t want to upset him – like I just want to keep him calm & settled – she said that we only go around once & we have to be happy.  & it’s pretty obvious that I’m unhappy.

***

I just talked to Tish.  She’s real supportive – real happy I’m making this move.  Now I’m excited.  I can hardly wait!

***

Teddy & I went to see “Postcards from the Edge”.  I thought it was really good.  I could really identify.  At the end, Teddy was crying.  “What’s the matter, honey?” I asked.  “This movie hit so close to home,” he answered, “I’m so afraid you’re going to leave me – like our relationship is on borrowed time – I love you so much – I feel like any day now, you’ll be gone.”

What could I do?  I felt terrible – but it’s true, isn’t it?   I was as gentle as I could be but I was lying when I said, “Teddy, I’m not going anywhere.”

Sitting here, with Elvis Costello on the tune box, I realize that’s what Jon Kudzma told me too.

There’s nothing I can do.  I can’t stay & remain unhappy.

***

“My mother wanted me to be someone other than I was.  She was shocked when I defended D.H. Lawrence.  She disliked my artist friends.  She wanted me to be as she had been, essentially maternal…Very early I was determined not to be like her but like the women who had enchanted & seduced my father, the mistresses who lured him away from us…When I first feel this?  When did I repudiate the model of my mother & decide not to be a wife or a mother but a mistress?  In spite of this I did inherit from her a strong protective instinct toward human beings.  But I also cultivated what would give me not only their down-to-earth needs, but euphoria, pleasure, delight.”  – Anaïs Nin

As soon as I read that, I thought – that is me.  That is my experience as well.  I read it this morning & it has been with me all day.  I think this is one of the problems I have – the essential problem with the marriage with Teddy.

Because I never wanted to be a wife – anyone’s wife.  I am good at being a wife – I like keeping house but I would keep a lovely home even if I wasn’t a wife – it’s how I am.  I am best at being a mistress – I am most comfortable in that role – I am a passionate person & I want to be passionate about everything – being a wife, being a mistress, cooking, cleaning, writing, dancing, loving, making love – oh, I want to make love endlessly – & for some reason, I can’t get into Teddy as a lover.  I don’t know what it is.  It isn’t just because I’m in love with Pat.  Or Jesse – or anyone.  Except for the first few months – when we were doing so many cool drugs & falling in love because of that – we haven’t had much sex.  & we really didn’t have much sex then, either, it was really a lot of cuddling & kissing.  & after Jesse – I knew that something wasn’t right on a fundamental level but I have never been able to put my finger on what it is.  Surely two people who love each other & who are best friends can find a way to have good sex.  Why have Teddy & I never been able to?

Why was this?  What happened?  Again, Anaïs Nin holds a key: “At times Lillian remembered her husband, and now that he was no longer the husband she could see that he had been, as much as the other men she liked; handsome and desirable, and she could not understand why he had never been able to enter her being and feelings as a lover.  She had truly liked every aspect of him expect the aspect of lover.”  (From Ladders to Fire)

I first came to Teddy as a customer.  I always liked him.  I always considered him a friend.  When I returned to Buffalo in the spring of 1981, I was lonely – & confused about my relationship with Donovan Murphy – & still smarting over my break-up with Jon Kudzma.  & although I had a job, I couldn’t survive on my own – I needed a partner.  I had never done well with roommates.  I needed to be in love with someone – live with someone – more than who the someone was.  It just happened to be Teddy.  Really – if Mac McAnders hadn’t moved into that crappy basement apartment on Richmond Avenue – if it had been an upper apartment in the same building or the carriage house apartment – I would have moved in with him & everything would have been different.  But that’s not what happened.  The luck of the draw fell to Teddy.  Teddy’s love soothed my heart but it really wasn’t Teddy’s love that I wanted – it was the soothing of my heart.

Throughout everything that’s happened to me – the affair with Jesse – the stress of being a stripper – my whacked-out moods – Teddy has soothed my heart.  I have to give credit where credit is due.  He wasn’t perfect by a long shot but he did take care of me when I needed it & generally asked no questions – I wouldn’t have told him the truth anyway – not because I’m a liar but because I don’t think it’s any of his business & he’s better off not knowing, anyway.  No matter how badly he pissed me off – & he pissed me off all the time – I liked him – I liked his personality – I liked partying with him & I liked doing stags with him.  I still like him.  I care for him – deeply – but I’m not in love.  I haven’t been in love with Teddy in years.  I want to be in love – & I want to live with the person I’m in love with – I’m tired of the split personality game – I want to be wife & mistress to one man – one man only.  & that man is not Teddy.

Still – I feel genuine sadness & grief over the end of my life here with Teddy – after so many years – I lived with him longer than anyone except my family – for eight years he has been my family.  & he’ll be all alone – I feel tremendously guilty & depressed about that.

***

It was easy to stay married to Teddy when I was working as a stripper & needed him to drive me around & play my tunes.  He held onto the money & he watched my back.  & it was easy to stay married to Teddy when I was in love with Jesse – who was also married – because Jesse wasn’t going to end his marriage so there was no reason for me to end mine.

Pat changed that entire dynamic.  He wasn’t married.  He didn’t care if I was married.  It was like all he wanted was to break up my marriage – just to break it up.  He didn’t want me.  & I knew better than to want him.

***

I always thought triangles could work but they don’t work.  Someone is always left out.  Someone’s feelings are always hurt.  They don’t work.  One person reaps the benefits but the other two suffer.  & it’s just a whole lot of angst & drama for something that is never going to last anyway.  You think it’s undying love but nothing lasts forever.  Not passion, anyway.  The most passionate love is always going to die down.  You can’t keep a pot at a full boil – it’ll boil away to steam & burn the pot.  You have to have a nice simmer – which I admit is not as exciting – by a long shot – but it’s easier to live with.  & honestly – that’s the kind of love I want.  One man – one love.

***

I called my mother & told her that I felt like my sobriety was in danger here – living with Teddy – & that I wanted to come to Cleveland.  I said that I really wanted to find my own place – I wanted to bring my books & all my clothes & everything that was mine.  She said she understood.  I’m going down in a few days & staying there.  I’ll look for a small apartment & a job & then come back to get my stuff.  I really hope Teddy doesn’t freak out too much when I tell him.

***

It also occurred to me that one of the reasons I have hung on to my relationship with Teddy all these years even though I was really quite unhappy – since no happy person drinks to excess, does loads of drugs & has affairs – was a reaction to losing my dad.  Like everyone says.   Not that Teddy is remotely like my dad.  I don’t mean that at all.  & there was a certain amount of insecurity always with my father – he was always gone – or going somewhere – very rarely coming home & then when he was home, it was always a treat but somehow – I’m just realizing this now – the kind of treat where there was a trick attached to it – or it was damaged in some way – it was never as good as you thought it was going to be.  I suppose it’s because my father was a drinking & there was always drinking when he was around & that is an insecure place for a kid to be.  Even when the father is famous & you live in a beautiful house.

***

Teddy hooked up the cable again.  Now we have our locals plus TNT, HBO, ESPN, USA & a dozen others.

He is in such a good mood – TV makes him happy – playing with the cats – talking on the phone.  Next week the truck goes in the shop – I’m not even sure what needs to be fixed – & then it gets registered in two weeks.  He is so excited.  He wants to make plans to travel in the spring – go out West – the Grand Canyon, Lake Tahoe, San Francisco.

My heart is breaking.

***

I watch the news & it is so depressing.  Recession, budget crisis, oil prices rising, food, clothes, everything.  “This is not a time to be taking a chance, to be going out on a limb.”  & what am I doing?

***

Last night – a heavy conversation with Teddy.  He initiated it.  He wanted to know what was “the matter” with us.  Why have I “shut” him “out”.  I didn’t know what to say.  Finally I admitted that I was thinking of leaving.  He was devastated.  I hated to see it.  He was almost crying.  “I want us to be a team,” he was saying, “I want to be your man, I want to plan our life together, go on vacations, do everything together – sometimes I don’t think you’re even here.”  Well – he’s right about that – I’m not here a lot of the time.  I’m not sure where I am but it’s not here.  He also said that he thinks I’m mentally & emotionally unbalanced.

I said, “Listen, I’m not going to get sober with Darryl calling all the time & Felix dropping by with fat doobies & all the bars I used to drink at right around the corner & you know it.  I just want a fucking chance.”

Naturally, he accused me of wanting to go to Cleveland because Pat is there.  Which – honestly – I almost wish that I could go back to Boston or go out west or anywhere other than Cleveland.  I really don’t want to see Pat again.  But my mother lives in Cleveland, so that’s where I have to go.  I don’t have anywhere else to go.  But once he was on that track, he refused to get off it.  So he’s all pissed off at me & says I don’t really care about sobriety at all – it’s just an excuse to see Pat again.

***

I told Teddy what day my mother was coming for me.  He should have gone to work but he didn’t.  He made a big scene in front of my mother & all the neighbors & now my mother is suspicious about why I’m coming back to Cleveland.  I really am leaving Buffalo because I want to stay sober.  It has nothing to do with the fact that Pat is in Cleveland.  Like I said the other day – I would just as soon go to Boston or Seattle or any other city at all.  Just a place where there’s AA & good coffee.

***

(Cleveland)

Samhain.  I feel very fragile today.  Actually, I woke up feeling OK but very tired – as usual, I was awake in the middle of the night – I no longer have any trouble getting to sleep but I still wake up in the middle of the night & remain awake for at least an hour – it’s very frustrating – especially when I want to be up early & out to look for work.  Bob says to go to meetings & say that I’m looking – sober people like to hire sober people.  I’ve been getting to a meeting a day since I got here & sometimes two a day.  This is the city for meetings, that’s for sure.

***

Teddy called today – he had to have been fucked up – demanding to know when I was going to be getting all my “stupid books” out of the apartment & that he wanted the dishes – they’re my dishes, in fact they were my mother’s – & he wanted all the Tupperware – the Tupperware! – & he had a whole list of demands that I can’t even remember.

***

I played the piano for almost an hour.  It’s so nice to be able to play again.

***

Robert Kirsch is a Dharma instructor & a divorce lawyer.  I met him Tuesday at Arabica Coffee.  He knows Pat – he told me that Pat is in rehab in Minnesota – which is why I haven’t seen him at any meetings.  I told Robert about my marriage with Teddy & how it fell apart.  I said he was pressing me to get my things out of the house but I didn’t have a job or an apartment yet & I was a little afraid to go back until I had all my plans set.

I tried to joke, “Well, not to sound like a soap opera but I’m afraid if I’m alone with him, he’ll commit me or something!”

Robert laughed but he was serious.  “It’s not a soap opera, it’s real life!  I deal with this all the time!  A husband has full right to commit his wife.  I mean, there has to be a has to be a hearing but it can be done.”

Well anyway – Robert is now my lawyer.  I am not going back to Buffalo.  Not right now anyway.  I don’t have to do what Teddy wants me to do.  & he can’t touch my things – I have a right to leave them there until I come back for them.  I have to make a list of everything I want – everything that’s mine – everything I feel I deserve.

Now the fun starts.

***

Another beautiful day.  Overcast today.  Yesterday the sky was a clear, stunning blue.  Such warmth – amazing warmth.  “Unseasonably warm,” says the radio stations – it’s in the mid 70’s.  It’s at least 10 degrees warmer than Buffalo.

***

Another beautiful day.  I raked the front yard after sitting in meditation a half-hour.  I also cleaned the kitchen today.   Mom & Bob went to Akron to visit Dr. Bob’s house & go to a meeting.  I like having the house to myself.

I called Teddy last night & told him I wasn’t coming up Monday.  We got in a little argument but I kept my cool.  I had just been meditation – a full moon ritual – & before that, an AA meeting – so I felt really serene anyway.  I wouldn’t let him get to me.  Regardless, I feel sorry for him.

***

I went to early Mass this morning – to please my mother – then went to the Dharma house for the Sunday meditation.  The Dharma house belongs to John Bembo – like the Renaissance poet – he knows Pat, too.  Pat’s been art of the Dharma group for years, apparently – they’ve seen him in all stages of addiction & recovery.  Nobody is surprised that he’s in rehab.  There’s six guys in the group & two women – Robert’s wife Wendy is one of them.  They have four kids, all very young.

Today was 3-hour meditation – sitting meditation, walking meditation, chants & instruction.   I received instruction from both Robert & Val & I told both of them how much trouble I’ve been having sitting – sleepiness, leg falling asleep, slouching – not feeling like meditating on a daily basis – I do it anyway – & they both said that was good – my ego putting up a good fight – & I was doing alright – just keep sitting & studying & it would get easier.

***

In the Cleveland Arcade, having a coffee.  The bus got me here 45 minutes earlier than I needed – I have a job interview at P Publishers at 9:30 – so I stopped here.  The coffee’s so nice & warm – Yemen – smells so good –

I hope this interview goes well.  I have to take a typing test & a math test as well as the actual interview.  I certainly look the part.  I plan on going to the public library after the interview.  Cleveland’s library is beautiful – gorgeous old building – beautiful reading rooms – paintings & murals – just lovely.

& there is nothing like the Arcade in Buffalo.  I love sitting here & looking up at all the glass & iron.  & all the coffee shops here in Cleveland – like bars, almost – serving so many different kinds of coffee from all around the world.  There are nowhere as many bars as in Buffalo.  It’s funny – I thought a bar on every block – or two or three to a block – was normal!  I guess that’s normal for Buffalo but not everywhere.  Oh well – it was fun while it lasted.  I don’t mean to imply that there are no bars here.  But they are much quieter – I mean, their signs & façades – they don’t seem to jump out at you like they do in Buffalo – like “Look at me!  I’m a bar!  Drink here!” – one or two neon beer signs in the windows as opposed to five or six.

Of course, it may be different over in West Cleveland.  I’ve heard it’s much more like Buffalo over there.  I’ve never been over there very much – not at all, really.

***

I called Teddy last night – a very mellow conversation.  I’m going to get my things as soon as I get a job & my own place.  I’m dying to get my own place.  I miss Shadow & Missy.  I want my own place so I can get my own cats & be a family again – even if it’s just me & the cats.  That’s family enough for me.  For now, anyway.

& I’m not feeling well today.  My head aches, my throat is sore, my sinuses congested.  & I’m dying for a bump.  I don’t know why but I do.  It’s really strong, too – the strongest jones I’ve had since I got sober.  I don’t know where it’s coming from.  Unless it’s because I talked to Teddy.  & I couldn’t help but wonder if he had gone back down to Lackawanna & that was the trigger.

***

Incredibly homesick.  Last night – dreams of Teddy, his face unbelievably tender as he told me “the door will always be open” – Shadow, laying on his back & purring as I cover his belly with kisses – I had no idea I would be this homesick.

Was it only last week I was the happiest girl in Cleveland & I never wanted to go back to Buffalo?

I tell myself it’s because I’m broke – I’ve got cabin fever big-time – I want my books – & my sewing & my embroidery.  I want my drawing paper!  I want, I want, I want – that’s me.  Never satisfied.

Last Friday night, the Dharma group went to hear Gelek Rinpoche talk.  Robert studied with him years ago. A small man – Tibetan – round & merry – with smiling eyes & very white teeth.  I felt good about my practice.  So often, I feel defensive – since Pat used to tell me that “witchcraft” was ego-glorification – or now, how Robert says the best way is the Buddhist way.  This does not seem very different than the “one true religion” talk I heard when I was a girl.  I don’t believe in “best ways” & “one true religion” – there are as many ways as there are people – to say your way is the best way is arrogant.  Talk about ego!  But I didn’t get that feeling about Rinpoche at all.  At the end of the talk, he embraced Robert & they talked a little bit & then Robert introduced me to him.  He held my hand & looked deep into my eyes.  I said, “I only received instruction a month ago.”  He said, “That is good!”  & gave me a bear hug.  I felt accepted.  I hope I get to see him again.

***

I had to get a State I.D.  I was told it was on W6 so I took a bus downtown & got off at the Public Square, walked on Ontario Street to Prospect Ave & Prospect to W6.  There was a State Building there but it wasn’t the right place.  I had to go another 5 blocks to the “Licensing Bureau”.  It was windy & rainy but still warm – clouds of fog were moving through the buildings like large ghosts.  As I walked up W6, I felt a sure sense of déjà vu – I had been here before – in a dream or in a past life – some time or another.  Anyway, it was a great street – old store fronts being remodeled or renovated – whereas the same street in Buffalo would be all boarded up or hit by an arsonist or torn down already.

I got to the Licensing Bureau & there was a sign on the door announcing that they weren’t issuing State I.D.s today!  Another sign said that to get a State I.D., you needed a Social Security card as well as a birth certificate so I wouldn’t have been able to get an I.D. anyway – my SS card disappeared years ago.  Maybe it’s in some scrap book somewhere but it’s not in my wallet where I need it.  So I asked where I could get one & I was directed to the Federal Building – E9 & Lakeside.  So I took off again.

Lakeside Ave is a real nice street.  The wind was blowing, the rain flying – the lake was grey & misty – low dark clouds moved over it – seagulls & pigeons huddled on the ground, unable or unwilling to fly.

The Federal Building is across from the Galleria, which is a much smaller mall than the one in Buffalo.  But much more chíc.

Luckily, I had enough I.D. on me to get my SS card – my library card & my Sheriff’s card from 1978 & my birth certificate – or else I would have been plumb out of luck there too!  So then I went over to the temp agency & got all my I.D.s together & I was hired.  I got my picture taken by Deb, my new boss & now I have another I.D. – this one for the temp agency – to identify myself when I show up at an assignment.

The job I’m starting on Monday is for the temp agency itself – addressing Christmas Cards for various clients – because I have such nice handwriting.  I guess not many people have good penmanship nowadays!

So then I walked back up Euclid Ave – through the Arcade – said hi to Ragtime Annie, playing the piano – then went to the library.  Last night, after class, I took my little notebook & wrote down all the titles of Goddess books I haven’t read.  I searched them in the computer & then went to the second floor where I hoped I might find them – I found all the books on my list & more.  Of course I could not begin to take out everything I wanted so I have to limit myself to just a few.  I also got out some novels for fun.

***

I’ve been reading “The Coventry Reader”, a newspaper of poetry.  I’m definitely going to submit some of my work.

***

I went shopping today.  I went to the Goodwill store.  I bought a denim skirt, full & ruffled & a grey wool suit.  The suit is fully lined & it fits like a dream.  The suit’s skirt is very straight, ends at the mid-calf, with two small pleats at the bottom.  The jacket has a round collar, no lapels & buttons down the front.  Very feminine, very plain, very serviceable.  The skirt was $2.50 & the suit was $5.  They have more thrift shops here than I have ever seen anywhere & the deals are amazing.

Tomorrow I’m going to look at an apartment on Euclid Heights Boulevard.  I hope i can get it – I want to be moved in by Christmas – New Year’s by the latest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Excerpts From a Diary 34

[Holidays, 1988]

[November]

I feel much better today.  I slept most of yesterday – slept & read – but no sleeping today – well not right now – I’m gonna get the laundry done & finish cleaning the side room – I really want to get the whole house clean this week – I got get back to work next week – October was such a waste – between me feeling low & Teddy’s teeth – seems like we were always sleeping!  Of course we only got our oil last Friday – this October was cold & rainy – so lying down covered up was the best way to be anyway – but oh well.  It’s a new year – spiritually – organically – time to gather strength – the winter solstice will be here soon – like cold & dormant plants waiting for warmth & spring, I will wait – in six months, I wanna be shifting into high gear – sorry for the mix-up in metaphors – but I’ve smoked 3 bowls & I’ve caught a buzz – time to get to work.

***

I went downtown today – to the library – to get a check from the Credit Union for Teddy & to get books for me.  Always need new books to read!

I’m still bleeding – sporadically – but I feel so much better.  A new woman – really!  I mustn’t do too much too fast, though.  I set up my office – with Teddy’s help – clean out the side bedroom & set up the desk – made book cases out of spare boards & cinder blocks – put pale blue drapes in the windows – after 7 years of this room being no more than a glorified closet – a dumping ground for all the books, magazines & artwork I couldn’t fit in to the other rooms – space being so dear even in an apartment as large as this one – after 7 years, it’s finally a real room!  It’s so very cozy, too.

***

In my office.  I brought out my old radio – the GE AM/FM cheapo radio I took to college & Teddy had in his office at work until last Christmas.  I wasn’t sure it was going to work – it’s been in the sunroom for over a year – but hey!  I turned it on & tuned it in & the Beatles are on – a good omen – a very good omen.

I’m still putting pictures on the walls.  My Mike Ramsey poster fell off the wall the other night & was injured beyond repair – it was injured when I put it up.  That took up half the opposite wall so now I have that space to fill – I may do a bit of drawing this afternoon – unpacking my art supplies has regenerated the artist in me.  Should I draw or should I write?  Or should I bake those cookies I have been thinking about?  Oh, I have so much to do!  Well, they say it’s gonna be a long, cold winter – I have lots of time!

***

I woke up last night – around 5 a.m. – in the worst agony – another yeast infection – seems I can’t get a break – my poor cunt – I was reading Our Bodies, Ourselves & it was saying that being on the pill, consuming lots of sugar & cuts & abrasions all contribute to yeast infections – so I guess I could make some improvements in my life!  Cuts – of course – come from those stupid dollar bills at stag parties – I knew from the start that there would be problems with that – but once you start how do you stop?  I really only did it the first time to be a good sport – because Dick Bell – the first guy to put a dollar bill in his mouth – was a good guy & he wouldn’t take no for an answer anyway – & all the guys were cheering me on – & you know how quickly & easily cheers turn to jeers if you don’t play along & be a good sport about it.   But sometimes it seems like that’s all I do – deep knee bends grabbing dollars.  I mean – I’m a fucking dancer – let me dance!  Oh well – that’s life – I’m just glad I have an understanding gynecologist, a prescription plan & a nearby pharmacy.

***

Paulie’s home – man, can you ever tell!  It’s like living on top of a disco – at least it’ll be quieter in my office.  It’s windy & pouring rain – a good day for immobility – bowls of weed – cups of tea – a good book – a murder mystery on TV – sleep –

***

I slept until 11:30 a.m. today – it was so excellent to luxuriate in bed – thinking about my dreams – I had thousands of dreams last night & this morning – I almost wrote last night & tomorrow – perhaps that’s a prophecy – of course I dream every night – I almost wrote almost all the time – also true –

***

They’re arguing downstairs.  It’s been loud since they all got home – not their usual loudness – there’s a difference – the way the doors get slammed – it’s not the usual slamming a door because they don’t know how to close a door properly – it’s slamming a door to make a point –

An hour later.  They’re still at it.  When I started writing at 9:30, I was going to write about something else, but their arguing sidetracked me & now I can’t remember.  Same story this time!

Oh – Jimmy stopped by & turned us on & now I want another line – ten more lines – I’m on my second last beer – oh boo hoo hoo –

The wind is howling.  The draft coming in the front windows & doors is incredible.  Tomorrow I suppose I’ll duct tape the cracks –

I want another line!

***

Lazy morning – reading & dozing – I busted ass all day yesterday – cleaning out the closet in my dressing room & then of course my dressing room – it was a really big chore.  I have been cleaning this apartment like a madwoman all month long – this place looks great.  But I’ve really been neglecting my reading & writing.  I’m gonna sit & read – & watch “Perry Mason” at noon – then at 1 p.m. – clean my office – it’s a mess with all my new books piled everywhere.  Next week I’m going to scrub the kitchen & bathroom & then I’ll be done until New Year’s – except for the everyday dusting & vacuuming – of course – housework never goes away!  I need an angel in the house!

Oh well – I’m gonna read until noon & then duct tape the front windows & door & the dining room windows – it’s so windy & so drafty – the furnace is working overtime.

Noon.  Watching “Perry Mason”.  I cleaned the kitchen this morning – washed the walled & mopped the floor – after “Perry Mason”, I’m gonna clean the bathroom.  I am getting sick of housework.  It’s all I’ve done lately.  I mean – my house is immaculate – but I’m sick of being domestic!  No – that’s not true – actually – I can hardly wait until we go to Wegman’s tomorrow & shop, shop, shop, shop – & then come home & I’ll bake pies – stuff & roast my turkey – & everything else I do for Thanksgiving – yum!

I’m hungry.  I wonder if the kitchen floor is dry enough to walk on – I’ll open a can of soup.  I practically live on soup.  I don’t mind – I love soup!

***

Thanksgiving Day.  My pies are baked – my turkey is in the oven – smelling heavenly – we just ate ham & swiss sandwiches – I’m drinking beer – for breakfast we had a walnut kuchen & numerous cups of coffee – the only problem is that we have no weed – I was really depressed about that earlier – depressed & pissed off –

Teddy almost sliced my fingers off helping me in the kitchen – he was cutting the acorn squash in half – the cut on my middle finger in really deep.  I almost got sick when I was holding it under the cold water.  It hurts to hold a pen so I have to stop writing.  Besides – looking at the Band-aid – I’ve realize it’s started bleeding again – probably from the pressure of holding a pen –

***

Oh day of days!  We finally got our kitty-cats – a sweet little black one with tiny white paws & a white “bib” under her chin – & a lovely grey ball of fur – Missy & Shadow.  I’ve waited so long & now I have kitty-cats – my “babies,” I shamelessly call them.  We brought then home in Danielle’s cat carrier – we took them back to my dressing room – where Teddy set up the litter box & then we set them in the box so they had a clear idea of where & what it is!  They’ve been in the dressing room for the last hour.  We’ve taken some pictures of them – when we could coax them out from under the bed – they’re very naturally still afraid of us.  Plus – they’re babies!  But when we retreat – they come out, wrestle with each other, climb on the bed, jump off, ambush each other.  They’re so adorable!  I hope they lose their fear of us quickly!

Later.  Teddy just reported that they’re sleeping in the chair between the stuffed toy animals – Shadow’s stretched out along one side & Missy’s next to him, her head on his shoulder.  They’re out cold.  Maybe when they wake up, they’ll be hungry – I have food ready for them in the kitchen.

The Bills are losing.

Afternoon.  They woke up so we grabbed them & brought them out to the living room.  I held Missy & Teddy held Shadow – then we let them go.  Shadow ran back to the dressing room but Missy’s still here.

Evening. They spent most of the day in the dressing room – & now they’ve come out & eaten – they must have been starving – & now they’re exploring the dining room.  They still run away whenever either Teddy or I approach them – but they’re becoming bolder.

***

They definitely feel more at home today.  They’re still mostly hanging out in my dressing room – but they come out to the kitchen to eat.  Shadow does anyway.  Missy’s a lot shyer.  I have then two balls of yarn & there was yarn all over the floor – around the legs of the chair – the bed – books pushed off the bookcase – it’s a glorious mess!  I rolled the yarn back up & natural they were chasing the ends – oh, I was dying!  Then I rolled the purple ball of yarn to Missy – who attacked it – she picked it up in her mouth – & disappeared under the bed – leaving a trail of yarn – which, of course, was immediately attacked by Shadow.  They play so rough – attaching each other – wrestling – swatting at each others tails – oh they’re so lovable.  I sit in the doorway & watch.  They’re stopped running away from me but they’re still cautious.

Now it’s sleepy time.  Missy’s under the chair & Shadow’s under the bed near the bookcase.  Both raise their heads & blink their eyes sleepily when I approach.

Night.  Oh, they are totally ours.  When Teddy came home – after his bath & a few bowls – we went back & picked them up & brought them out to the living room & petted them until they fell asleep again.  When they woke up, they started exploring in earnest.  All evening long, they’ve been with us – playing, hiding, ambushing us or each other, eating kitten chow, falling asleep, waking up, exploring – they’ve just been sleeping on the chair next to me – now Shadow’s awake – barely.  He’s trying to pay attention to Teddy scratching his leg – but his eyes keep closing & he’s leaning over.  Nope!  Now he’s stretching & yawning & wants my lap.

***

Teddy brought home a large box with hole cut out – one on top, two on either side – for the kitty-cats to play in.  I gave them a ball of yarn – actually two balls of yarn tied together – it’s all over my dressing room – they’re such playful kittens!

***

Watching “Perry Mason”.  I have an awful headache – must be a migraine – I took a Contac this morning & 4 aspirin at 10:30 – it’s a doozy – will not go away.  After “Perry Mason”, I’m gonna have a cup of soup & lie down in my dressing room where the kitty-cats are already asleep.  They were wild Indians this morning.  They played all morning in the living room.  They are definitely feeling more & more at home here.  They’re eating more too – another sign that they’re feeling at home.  I love them so!

***

[December]

10 a.m.  I felt like shit yesterday.  A terrible headache – all day long.  Today’s the first day I’ve woken up without a headache for a long time.  Either I need an adjustment or I need glasses.  I should call Felix’s friend Alan, who works at Council Opticians.  I bet I need glasses – no one can argue that my eyes don’t work overtime!

I called Tish this morning & found out that I sent her Christmas present to the wrong address!  She assures me that it’ll be forwarded.  She’s dying to see our kitty-cats.  I mean – why not – they’re the finest cats in the world.

Shadow has tackled Missy & is licking her ear.  They’re so fierce with one another – they chase each other – tackle each other – scratch each other – Shadow bites Missy until she cries – Missy asks for it, though!  & then they are so affectionate with each other – Shadow always licks Missy after he bites her! – they sleep intertwined – hugging each other almost passionately.  The last two nights they’ve slept with us – at least part of the night.  They wake me up when they wrestle – Shadow jumping on Missy – Missy crying & fighting back.

I covered the couch completely with blankets & the green chair also.  The green chair is their favorite chair – it’s right next to a radiator – it’s now covered with an old lime green blanket – used to cover coolers at Sherkston – & the old gold afghan.  That’s where they are now – asleep.

***

The hockey game is on – I’m reading a new cookbook from the library – I should be basting black lace on my red plaid dress.  Teddy & I are camped out on the couch – the kitties are playing chase, catch & wrestle.  This is the first Saturday night I’ve had off in months & months.  Darryl has called several times & begged & pleaded for us to invest $25 – $35 – $50 – in whatever deal he has pending – but we went to the store & got groceries & cat food.  I wouldn’t feel like going anywhere – least of all an unheated, dirty, dreary little room in a Lackawanna drug house.  I’m perfectly happy in my warm, clean, cozy, little homey apartment.  With the finest little kitties in the world.

***

It’s snowing – the first real snow of the season, at least around here – upstate had snow way back in October – & the southerntier of course had snow.  It’s gotten really cold – the days are so short – soon is the winter solstice.  The snow looks so pretty.  We’re supposed to get a ton.  I hope so.  I love it cold – I love it snowy – especially in the twilight – the Christmas lights glowing in the windows – the radiators softly hissing – two little kitty-cats purring at my feet.  Cozy – homey – quiet – peaceful.  I think I’ll take a nap before I start having to get ready for tonight’s job.  I hate to admit it but I have absolutely no interest in working – it’s so comfy here – I hate to leave.  I don’t feel like doing coke & I don’t feel like drinking.  Oh well – that’s life.

***

It’s cold, snowy & wintry.  It’s supposed to get really cold tonight – record cold – 0 to minus 5.  We’ve done nothing but smoke joints & pig out!  I feel so fat!  Who cares!  Not me – at least not at the moment.

“No” seems to be the word most said around here lately – the cats are getting into everything!  We have a squirt bottle with which to discipline them – but it’s so hard!  They have the most adorable faces – they’re so sweet – oh, we love our kitties so much!

Last night’s party was really weird – it was held at Light’s Out, a bar one block from The Pipka Palace & a lot of their regulars were there.  So many guys told Teddy or me, “That guy is an asshole” or “The groom is an asshole” – I don’t think anyone liked anyone else.  I ran into Dorrie, who used to barmaid at The Pipka Palace – & Arista, one of the dancers – who looked more emaciated than ever.  She complained that she couldn’t watch – or steal – the show – “I’m used to being invited in, not kept out” – oh well, that’s life.  Everything changes.

When we got home, we ordered wings for me & a sub for Teddy.  We went to bed around 10:30 or 11 – I can’t remember.  It was so great to sleep well & wake up feeling rested & not hung over.  Real good!  & it was even better to count my money this morning!  Not to feel all depressed because we had spent it all partying out in Lackawanna!  I prefer our nights when we’re not doing coke!

***

In a good mood!  It’s cold, cold, cold – but sunny – a beautiful winter day.  The windows have ice patterns all over them.  It looks really cold out – people walking by all bundled up – puffs of steam coming out of their mouths – you can almost hear the snow crunching as they walk along – it’s nice & warm in here.  The kitty-cats have been running around like wild Indians but now they’re falling asleep next to me on the couch here.  I have lots to do today – clean the house – clip article from the newspapers – laundry – & then write, write, write.  Tonight when Teddy gets home, I’m gonna knit my scarf & make Christmas ornaments – I’ve got a whole bunch of junk I’ve saving all year with which to make ornaments.  Oh well – better get going –

***

Never got around to writing yesterday – too many visitors & phone calls!  It was almost supper time before I got the vacuuming done!  I did make some ornaments last night.  Boy – do I ever save everything or what!  I have enough stuff that I could make ornaments all day – everyday – for a week – a month – & open a shop & sell them –

I’m typing up my notes on The Spiral Dance.  I had them stretched over two diaries & you know how messy my diaries are.  This way I can put them into a notebook & make that the start of my very own Book of Shadows.

Missy & Shadow are in here with me.  They were in the living room cuz of the big windows.  I put my dancing blankets on the couch in here, then fetched them from the living room.  I petted them for a while – quite a while – I love to hear them purr!  Now they’ve settled in & their eyes are closed.  The rock’n’roll radio doesn’t seem to bother them.  Now it’s time to find out if the typewriter bothers them.

They don’t even notice.  Well – they looked up a little at first but now they’re out cold.  They’re so adorable!  I love them so much!  Well – back to work.

Teddy’s home.  He brought me half a pound of burger & a large potato, which will be transformed into Salisbury steaks & home fries.  He also brought a 20 lb. bag of cat litter that had been broken into – he got it for $1.10.  What a great deal!

He’s in the tub now.  I’ve put away my notes – although I could type more.  My back is really killing me, though.

Shadow’s trying to jumps into Teddy’s tub – well, if he does, I’m sure he won’t do it twice!  Now he’s on the end table by one of the two windows, looking outside.  It’s twilight – the snow is falling.

***

Just reading over the notes I transcribed yesterday.  All summer long – as I was transcribing poetry & notes out of my diaries – I left these alone – I’m not sure why – so I could do them all at once, I suppose.  I read The Spiral Dance twice in November 1987 – the first time in awe – the second time, taking notes – & then again in February – just before I had to give it back to Ginny P. – to whom the book belonged.  All summer long – I have read all the books I could get my hands on – all the books about the Goddess I could find – & books about women’s spirituality & the history of women in religion & the tarot.  Now I want to start practical adoration – I have started collecting the necessary tools – I have been meditating – I have been praying to the Goddess in my own inept way.  I think – in the early mornings – after Teddy goes to work – before I eat – before I dress & get going on the day’s work – I think that’s a good time to meditate – to think – to work – to learn about the Goddess – within me & without me.

***

I had lots of fun yesterday.  It was cold, though!  I walked up to the subway & by the time I got to Main Street I was so cold I felt like going home.  I told myself not to be such a sissy.  I thawed out on the train.  I got off at Allen-Hospital & walked up Allen Street.  The wind was in my face & it was cold!  Actually – my face was the only part of me that was cold – I was very warmly dressed – thick tights under my jeans – a pink turtleneck – my tan wool sweater – very warm – & my old-lady overcoat.  I tied my bandana on my head – tying it like a scarf under my chin like an old Polish lady.  It looks funny but it’s the best way to tie a scarf – I look good that way too!  I miss my black babushka – that was the warmest scarf – it was stolen at a stag – the sad fate of so many favorite items!

Anyway – after thoroughly exploring Allen Street, I walked up Elmwood Ave to the store called Emma.  It was quite warm in there – I stayed & looked at everything.  Oh, I wished I had lots of money – so many books I wanted – I could have spent a couple hundred dollars easily.  I only had $6!  I bought a couple of cards – I wanted to buy something.  They had jewelry too – silver, beadwork – handmade stuff.  I saw a beautiful pentagram – set in a circle made of silver – with a white stone in the middle – on a silver chain.

Then I walked up North Street to Delaware – Delaware to Chippewa – Chippewa to Main – Main Street to Main Place Mall.  Checking out different shops as I walked.

At the Mall, I checked everything out – buying a bookmark for Teddy at Walden books.  It has a cow on it – that’s why I bought it.  Leaving the Mall, I saw a guy walk out ahead of me.  That looks like Paulie, I thought but a guy in a coat, hat, dark glasses & a thick mustache could be anyone.  I tailed him for a while & decided that it was Paulie.  “Hey Paulie!”  He didn’t recognize me at first in my old Polish lady disguise.  We walked down Church Street – past Police Headquarters – past Saint Joe’s Cathedral – all cleaned up – I hardly recognized it – down to where Paulie parks when he’s working.  It was cold down there!  Jumped into the truck & thawed out smoking a fat joint & drinking beers.  He dropped me at the library 45 minutes later & I was tuned!  I immediately went to the ladies’ room where I took a long pee, fixed my make-up, put on perfume & freshened my breath.  I used the card catalog – looking for specific books – but the books weren’t on the shelves, of course.  I got out 8 books anyway – sometimes the book I want isn’t on the shelf but another one is that’s every bit as good.  I have no problem finding something to read!

After that – I went home – it was already past 2 p.m. & I had been out since 10 a.m.  I was tired – I almost fell asleep on the subway.  You know how that is – go go go all day & the first time you sit down – it’s sleepy time.  Anyway – I didn’t go to sleep – I didn’t read, either.  I watched these two old ladies – they were identical twins – they were dressed identically – down to their winter boots – hair done exactly the same.  They talked a great deal – their mouths moved the same way & their hand gestured the same way too.

It seemed to take hours to walk up Minnesota Ave.  School was letting out – there were children everywhere.  The crossing guard was perched on the far corner as I crossed Parkridge Ave.  I was so glad to get home.  I was so glad to see my kitties.  I ate lunch – then curled up on the couch – the kitties curled up with me – & slept until almost 5 p.m. – which is when Teddy got home.

***

I feel so tired.  Everything I eat makes my stomach ache unbearably & then turns to diarrhea.  I wanted to do so much today – make cookies – type recipes – clean the house.  I really wanted to finish When God Was A Woman – what a great book that is!  A great piece of scholarship!  I would love to meet Merlin Stone & ask her – I don’t know – dozens of questions.  But it makes me look at the Bible totally differently – even the Greek & Roman myths.  Everything I’ve ever learned.

All I’ve done is straighten up a little bit & take out the garbage.  I laid down on my office couch & went right out.  I vaguely remember Shadow & Missy jumping up & settling in.  I missed Teddy’s 11:30 call.  I guess people came to the door – I was out.  It was Paulie’s stereo that woke me up – & even then – it seemed to come from a long ways away – not just from downstairs.

Even now I’m having trouble getting going.  Naturally – I have “Perry Mason” on – & I’m getting hungry, so I must be feeling better.  I was going reheat some chicken wings – maybe I should stick to chicken soup.

***

Winter Solstice – Yule – the shortest day of the year.  I was up early this morning – reading – & finishing –  When God Was A Woman.   It’s grey today – a uniform blanket of clouds covering the entire sky.  I’m warm in the kitchen – baking cookies – Christmas Cut-outs – Chocolate Snowflakes.  After I bake, I’m gonna take a bath & do my hair – we’re going to Teddy’s cousin Rob’s in Conesus Lake to pick up the killer weed this afternoon.  On the way home, we’re going to get a Christmas tree.  I can hardly wait – it’s gonna be a nice trip.  Tonight we’ll decorate the tree & smoke killer joints & eat cookies!

***

We never got to Conesus Lake on Wednesday.  We ended up in Lackawanna – partying with Darryl & his brothers.  We went to Conesus Lake on Thursday.  It was the nicest trip – on the way home, we rated houses by their Christmas displays.  It was so much fun!

I did a Christmas party today at Bonnie’s Lounge– Sheridan Dr. near Kenmore Ave. – at 4 p.m. – I have another one to do at 1 a.m. Chevy workers with their Christmas bonuses!  Always a good time!  Everyone is in a good mood & everyone is generous!  Tomorrow we can go to Radio Shack & K-Mart & Wegman’s.  I can hardly wait.  I love Christmas & Christmas parties & Christmas tips.

***

Christmas Day.  The sun is just peeking through.  It’s been cloudy – sunny – windy – snowy – clear – this – that – the other thing – all day.  Changeable weather – moody like me.  We’ve been having the nicest Christmas – I woke very early this morning – maybe 6 or 6:30 – I could hear Paulie waking his kids by booming out – “HO! HO! HO! Merry Christmas!” – I know he had to work today – he must have wanted to see them open their presents before he had to go in.  I could hear their excited voices – “Has Santa been here?” – & their footsteps running from the back of the house to the front before I fell asleep again.  Teddy & I got up around 9 a.m.

We’ve been watching movies – “The Glenn Miller Story” & “Angel in My Pocket” – & now a program about the blizzard of 1888.  We got great presents as usual – new sneakers & new notebooks for me.  An ice cream maker from Mom & Bob – I’m so excited!  We love ice cream!

***

A grey cloudy day.  New snow on the tree limbs & roof tops.  Teddy had to go back to work today – poor dear!  We both agreed that this holiday was one of the nicest we’ve ever had.

The only bad news is that on Friday, Danielle’s cat Saranac was hit by a car & killed.  He was twelve years old.  She’d had him longer than Doug.  She’s nearly inconsolable – & no wonder – cats make the best friends.  Saranac was one of the nicest cats I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.

***

Arghhhh – I’ve got a cold – a real bad head cold – I’ve been blowing my nose non-stop.  I slept for a while this morning – I felt good when I got up but now I’m feeling lousy again.  I’m watching “Perry Mason” & sipping chicken soup.  My stomach is mildly upset – I think it’s from sniffing so much.  I ran out of kleenix long ago.  The only roll of toilet paper is in the bathroom so I’m using a rag to blow my nose with – I’m on my second rag.  I feel pretty miserable.  It’s been a tough week!  Got my period – got a cold – 1988’s going out with a vengeance!  There’s so many things I want to get done – maybe I can stand a few hours behind my typewriter – I can barely hold up my head.  Teddy’s bringing me Contac when he’s coming home but that’s not until 4 p.m.  Oh well – guess I’ll have to hang in there.

***

Still hanging in there.  The Contacs are doing a lot of good but I feel so delirious.  I walked into my office & looked at my work – all nicely laid out & arranged from yesterday – but I couldn’t get into it.  I’m watching “The Price is Right” & reading Hedy Lamarr’s autobiography.  The cats are playing with their Christmas toys.  They are really wild this morning.  Into everything!

***

New Year’s Eve.  Still feeling like shit but getting ready to go over to Doug & Danielle’s for the evening.  It’s just going to be the four of us tonight.  It seems really strange – just a few years ago, we were having major-sized parties – either at our place or over at Wayne Johnson’s – but now everyone has kids – except Teddy & me – & everyone wants to stay at home.  The main thing I hear is that it’s “too hard” or “too expensive” to get a sitter.  Which really means that everyone is getting too damn old to party.

I guess I shouldn’t complain – we’re going to have some coke – Jesse came by yesterday with a couple of 8-balls & we managed to save some for tonight – & we have weed & lots to eat.  But I miss how it used to be – the crowd of friends – everyone getting together – I can tell everything is changing.

Excerpts From a Diary 31

[Winter, 1988]

[January]

I’m sitting in the living room easy chair – the multi-colored zig-zag afghan over my lap – sipping a vodka & tea & munching pretzels  Teddy’s on the couch, reading the newspaper.  The Seattle-Houston game – of course – is on – it’s tied – in overtime – a really good game.

It’s the last day of Christmas – for me, anyway – tomorrow I’m taking down the tree & the lights & putting away all the Christmas knick-knacks.  I think I’ll leave the snowflakes in the windows, though – they look so pretty.

This is what I want to do in the New Year –

  1. Keep my diary more diligently
  2. Read as much as possible
  3. Be more cheerful & complain less
  4. Write as much as possible
  5. Diet & exercise
  6. Find a new job
  7. Finish up my degree

Quite a list – I could add a few more, I guess – there’s so many things I want & so many things I could improve on.  I feel bad about losing my job at the law office but I guess it was a long time coming & I kind of feel relieved – although I do miss it.  Edmond was really good about it – he said he would have kept me on – but the other partners didn’t want a stripper working for them & my “fame” as a dancer has just gotten too large for them.  Plus – to be honest – there were just too many mornings where I came in just a little too hungover to be respectable – & I know it.

***

We’re both camped out on the couch – smoking a joint – watching TV.  Today was a moody day.  I woke after having dreams of my family – Rocco was a little boy – a cat who attacked my orange shoes – I was wearing them – like I would ever wear orange shoes! – & just before I woke – Jesse.  Woke into a fog that only a hot bath could get me out of.  I took the Christmas tree down & put all the ornaments away & that is never fun.  Although by the time I had everything put away & dusted & vacuumed, I felt a lot better.  & besides – Teddy was home by then & he always cheers me up.  I finished The Color Purple today – what a great novel.  I’m 4 for 4 – four books read in four days – for 1988.  I know I can’t keep this rate up but it’s fun.

It’s totally winter – cold & getting colder.  We haven’t gotten any oil for the furnace, so it’s really cold in this apartment – the gas burner in the fireplace keeps the living room toasty & the electric heater keeps the bedroom warm.  I think we might be able to go all winter without buying oil.  It isn’t exactly safe with the gas burner but Teddy keeps a window cracked so there’s fresh air.  I have to have fresh air no matter how cold it is.

***

I’m beat – I have a stag at 10:30 tonight – no cocaine – oh, life is tough.  I’ve had a hangover most of today.  Yesterday Rocco came to visit – we went to Nietzsche’s on Allen Street for a Jack Kerouac show – “…but I wanna be sincere” – it was really good – at least the first two hours – which was all about Kerouac – his bio & readings from his novels – but after that, local poets began reading their own works which were pretty bad – we left during the second poet & went to Falco’s.  Teddy met us there & we went home to drink & snort until 4 a.m.  Needless to say – today was a waste.  Oh well –

***

Oh, woe is me!  I scarcely know where to start!  Only – I can’t believe this is happening to me!

On Wednesday, I went back to work at The Pipka Palace – the first time there in over 3 years – the first gig in a club since The Canteen closed.  The Toyota’s brakes had gotten really bad – we haven’t had the money to have them fixed – of course we always have money for coke – & I didn’t want to drive it – I asked Teddy to drive me but he didn’t want to – he told me to take it easy – to use the emergency brake – I’d be ok.

Well – of course I didn’t take it easy.  I mean – I was ok driving there – although it wasn’t easy stopping on slippery roads during rush hour using an emergency brake.  But I did it – I’m a pretty good driver.  & I would have been ok – I guess – but it was a total party during my shift.  Everyone was happy to see me again.  & I had a total ball.  I had so missed working in a club.  It’s such a different vibe than doing a stag.  Of course The Pipka Palace isn’t The Canteen but still I had a great time.  I made lots of money in tips & naturally drank a lot – more than the legal limit but that’s not very much nowadays.  I was drunk but I’ve been far drunker before.  Just before I left, I was talking to two dancers I hadn’t seen in years – Black Annie & Joon – & Annie rolled up a joint laced with coke & naturally I took a few tokes.  That’s the last thing I remember – no – I do remember trying to call Teddy & not being able to manage getting the quarter into the slot of the phone as he answered – The Pipka Palace has one of these new-fangled phones were you pay when the person answers & if you don’t get the money in there in time, you lose the call.  & I lost his call, like 3 times.  So then I got my stuff together & got into my car & started to drive home.  I remember driving up Jones Street & turning onto Clinton Street.  But after that, there’s nothing.  & even what I remember is a blur.  The next thing I remember – kinda – is smashing my car into the pole at William & Bailey – absolutely totaled the car.  It’s amazing I’m still alive – it’s amazing I’m not seriously hurt – no broken bones or anything.  Seriously – I jumped right out of the car!  I didn’t even know I was hurt until the next day.  Of course – I was feeling no pain!

So naturally – there’s a coffee shop at that corner & there was a cop car sitting there.  It took them no time at all to get their coffee & donuts to go & come out to check me out.  I was in hysterics.  I was beyond scared.  The dude was cool – he’d seen me dance & he was a friend of Paulie’s – but the babe was an asshole.  She was not impressed that I was the dancer for all the police stag parties & she didn’t like Paulie, either.  So of course I was charged with DWI.

The rest – going downtown – getting booked – I refused a Breathalyzer because I didn’t know what I was supposed to do – it wasn’t like I could call my lawyer & ask him – I wasn’t read my rights or anything – it isn’t like on TV.

Anyway – I would’ve spent the night in jail but Paulie got me out after a few hours.  He traded a bottle of Scotch for me.  I was never so happy to see anyone in my whole life.

The phone’s ringing –

***

[February]

So depressed – so very depressed.  I’ve been to court – my DWI was dropped to a DUI – my fine was $250.  Without the breathalyzer, there wasn’t any real evidence against me so there wasn’t any DWI.  My lawyer told me that was really the best thing I could have done.  He charged me $400.  It just kills me – I went back to work to make the money to pay off my book & record club bills & to get myself new things – shoes & clothes & fabric & trim to make costumes – & I end up further in debt than ever!  I’m so tired of being broke!  I can’t do dick shit without fucking up!  When did I take on this bad luck?  Oh, nothing’s ever really been different – read my old diaries – nothing’s ever been different – nothing ever will.  Oh, I’m beginning to believe it myself.  That I am nothing but bad luck personified.

I was so desperate – I called Jesse.  Of course – he was busy – just running out the door to buy tools or something – who knows – who cares.  It’s been over a month – too long a time – I’m just so horny – so depressed – so uptight – I can’t help it – I need a release so badly.  How can I be so beautiful & so unwanted?  Oh – that’s not true – I get calls & come-ons from guys all day – I swear – the phone rings all day with these jerks.  But the men I want – my husband, especially – have one excuse after another – all “good” excuses to be sure – I can’t help wondering if it’s me.  What’s the matter with me?

Oh well – roll another joint – read another book – take another escape route.

***

I’m so horny I want to die.  I’m so depressed I can barely get myself motivated.  I ran out of typewriter cartridge yesterday so I can’t write – both of my favorite pens ran out of ink – oh I guess I’ll sew – make myself a new outfit for work today – but I don’t feel like it!  I wanna get laid!  I want hours of touching – feeling – everything you do when you’re hot in love/lust with someone – oh this pain that never goes away!  Oh this pain – this knowledge – this knowing that makes it worse.  The only person giving me orgasms is myself.  I’m sick of this solo act – sick of it!

***

Working on poetry with MTV on.  I’ve retyped everything from 1971 to 1985, which is when the typed copies end, except for “Jesse” & those poems from August & September of 1986.  Everything else – much of 1985 – most of 1986 & all of 1987 – are still in my notebook/diary – waiting to be found.  I forget most of what I write.  I expect a lot of surprises.

Well, back to work.  First, some aspirin.  I’m here with my cup of tea & a joint – ready to do what I’ve always done – write, write, write.

***

Almost the same entry as yesterday!  Poetry, MTV, a cup of tea & a joint.  I found so many poems yesterday – so many more than I expected – stuff from 1983 & 1984 – things I totally forgot about.  I mean, I wasn’t even going to go through that notebook but then I thought I’d put all the diaries in chronological order & it was when I was flipping through the notebook to find out what dates to write on the cover that I found the poems.  For years now I’ve been writing things into notebooks & thrown into a box & forgotten about them.

***

Coffee & joints!  Sixties sitcoms on the TV – the shows of my childhood.  What influences!  Such unreality – never meant to be taken seriously.  No wonder the poor children of the sixties can’t handle the eighties & have to be wasted all the time.  This world is too cold & dark & real!  Oh well – Actually, this sixties silliness gets a bit tedious.  But I love looking at the cars & the clothes.

What should I do today?  I think I feel like sewing – I’ve written all week – except Monday, when Teddy took the day off – I never get anything done when he’s around.  I think I’ll make myself a purple g-string & a bra to match – trim it with black lace – actually, I don’t feel like doing anything – except read – lie around & escape – but I might as well get something done today.

Later.  I can’t get a break!  I was ready to jump into the tub & Felix called & said he’d be over & then Donny McCain stopped in.  We were all smoking a joint when Jesse called. “Any goodies over there?”

“The only goodie over here is me,” I replied, “& you haven’t been so hungry for my kind of goodie lately.”

“Well, I’ve been busy,” he answered.

“Yeah, sure,” I shot back.  “Well – call Teddy later – I’m not sure what’s going on – something or another.”  So that’s that – although if Felix & Donny hadn’t been here, I would’ve asked Jesse over to sample some “goodies” – but maybe the conversation would have ended the same way – probably.

Well the “goodies” just arrived – & I am so glad – so glad!  Nothing like a thick white line to sweeten the pain – pang? – of a lover who doesn’t want to love anymore.

***

I feel like shit.  I had a good weekend – fun at work on Friday at the Pipka Palace – fun partying with Teddy on Saturday – fun at a stag on Sunday – & delicious souvlaki afterward.  I made lots of money – which is all gone now – of course.  On Friday night – actually 3 a.m. Saturday – we discovered mice in the kitchen – since then & now we’ve caught five of them!  It’s just awful.  I’m not afraid of mice but I hate thinking of them all over my nice clean kitchen – making it not clean anymore.  I’m so glad I have everything in Tupperware – mouse-proof!  Oh, as soon as the weather gets warm – warm enough to open windows & spring clean – I’m gonna spring clean with a vengeance!

I’ve been working on Teddy to let me get a cat since before Christmas & now I really want one – he says a little kitten can’t catch mice – but it’ll make me feel better – & what the hell – little kittens who can’t catch mice turn into big cats who can.  Besides – I want something to love – something small & cuddly & babyish & who needs me & something a lot smaller than Teddy – who is certainly cuddly & a baby.  But he isn’t furry & he isn’t small.  & he doesn’t give me what I need.  Kittens are another kind of baby.

Maybe I’ll go out later – after Perry Mason.  I have $6.25 in change – I could go to Falco’s & drink a little.  Although I shouldn’t – I’m gaining weight.  Teddy says I “still” look great & I know I have a lot of pounds to go before I look bad – but this is how it starts, A? I was reading an old diary of mine the other day – I had taken notes from an astrology book – it said Taurus women depend on sex & food for security – it’s true – I’m not getting laid – so I eat & drink.  What am I going to do?  This depression has been going on for years.

***

We got another mouse last night.  Downstairs, the problem is really bad.  We were down there earlier – Cindy was having trouble setting her traps so Teddy set them.  A mouse ran through the living room while we were there & Teddy found a dead one – stiff as a board – under Melissa’s dolly’s cradle.  I guess the poison Paulie set out worked – but what I hate about poison is that you never know where that mouse is gonna end up dying.  Of course – it is so dirty down there anyway.  I’ve been worried about all my magazines in the side room – a mouse & his family could make a great nest in my piles of Rolling Stones – & everything else I have there.  The closet is packed with magazines.  It’s a mess in there.  The entire room is a mess.  I’ve been putting off cleaning & organizing in there until spring – until the poetry is all typed & in notebooks – everything else has been put on a back burner until that’s done.  But I suppose I should start working on it – I’ve put it off way too long.

My arm is cramping – time to stop writing.

***

Watching the Olympics – the US-DDR hockey game – the US is losing.  Time’s running out – it looks like we’re out of the medal round.  The US teams are doing really lousy this Olympics.  No wonder – unlike so many other countries – particularly the Soviet ones – the US government doesn’t support its athletes at all.  It’s so maddening.  Communism is evil but private industry is all-good.  Kodak is the “official film” – Coca-Cola is the “official soft drink” – etc.  This is how we support our athletes?

I have so much to do this week – well, so much I want to do – I really don’t “have” to do anything – I have to clean the kitchen – defrost the fridge – mop the floor – because of the mice, the fridge & the stove have been moved out from the wall to set the traps & of course it’s dusty & dirty since those appliances haven’t been moved since we moved in.  I guess right now it seems like a big job because I’m so burned out from working & partying all weekend – I don’t want to do anything – I don’t want to do anything – much less scour walls with 6 years of dust & dirt on them.  I’m sure there’s plenty of mouse turds back there too!  Yuck!  Well, once I get into it, I’ll get into it – really precise statement there – I mean – just making something dirty & yicky into something clean & nice is always fun.

Of course that’s not all – there’s laundry – dusting & vacuuming – watering the plants – garbage – & always writing.  But honestly – right now all I want to do is another blast & another drink but we’re out of coke & out of vodka so that’s life – I guess I’ll have another beer & play solitaire – I’m sick of thinking about housework.

Besides – it’s late – too late on a Sunday to be doing coke – since Teddy has to work tomorrow – & gee whiz – we have been partying all weekend!  It was a good weekend – good parties, great guys, a lot of tips, a lot of money – I saw that the bills were paid.  It’s always good to get the bills paid!  It’s nice to make money & have a lot of fun partying while you’re at it!  If I could only manage to make more than we spend!  If only Teddy didn’t have to get everything he wants!

***

I just woke up – played back the answering machine – the first message was from Jesse – “Hey babe” – oh that seductive voice! – so I called right back – but he was just leaving!  Of course!  “You should get up earlier,” he said.  “Oh geez!” I exclaimed.  “It’s winter & I’ve done all my housework this week!  I deserve to sleep a little.”  I added, “You should just come over & wake me up!”  It kills me – I was dreaming about him –

***

[March]

Such a busy weekend – 5 stags.  In such pain – such pain – I’m finally feeling the impact of the car accident – I’m seeing Dr. West once a week – he’s a chiropractor that both Jesse & Danielle go to – he’d like me to get into the office for adjustments twice a week – I can’t afford it – I’m really hurting & he knows it.  He knows I’m hurting in more ways than just my back – we carry on whispered conversations – since every word spoken naturally is easily heard in that tiny office – it’s like Grand Central in there.

I found out on Friday that Rocco is going to become a priest.  I’m sure Mom & Bob must be besides themselves with pride & joy.  I feel more like a misfit than ever – how did I ever get stuck in this family?  Why do I have to change so much – impossible change – to fit in & merit pride?

Sometimes I’m so down I don’t know what to do.  When I’m alone – doubts surround me.  As soon as Teddy arrives – they all vanish – at least in to the corners of the room.  But when I’m alone – I’m lonely.  & I’m horny.  & all my dreams seem far, far away.

***

Teddy will be home soon to take me to work – I’m all packed – made-up – dressed-up – & bejeweled.  I have some good tunes on – I’m singing & dancing – getting myself into the mood – like doing deep-knee bends – stretching exercises for the head & heart & soul.

I feel pretty good today – minimum back pain – & I finally seduced Teddy last night!  We dropped acid – the first time in ages – eons! – & acid always makes you horny – whereas Teddy & I agree cocaine doesn’t do it anymore – especially Teddy – he doesn’t want to make love when he’s wasted on coke at all – he’ll talk all night about it but not do it.  On acid, of course, talking can become pretty futile pretty damn quick – how can you talk when you’re dying with laughter?

Anyway – it was great – a great break.  A mini-vacation.  I feel much better – much better.

***

I’m waiting for Danielle to come & take me to Dr. West’s.  My appointment is at 1:30 & it’s 1:25 right now but of course Danielle is late.  Danielle is always late.

Evening.  I’m in love – with Dr. West.  I love the way he touches me – the way he smiles.  I know he’s attracted to me – that’s easy to assess.  I just love being in love.  I love loving 2, 3, 4 men – I love to love –

***

I’m watching “Perry Mason”.  It’s on every day at noon – I wouldn’t miss it.  I’ve always loved murder mysteries.  After “Perry Mason”, “I Love Lucy” is on.  Other women watch soaps – I watch old TV shows – I don’t need living color to enjoy a story.

I’ve been reading The Spiral Dance by Starhawk & taking lots of notes.  I started doing some of the meditations in the mornings.  I really want to learn all I can about women’s spirituality & wicca & witchcraft.  I like the idea of a women’s religion & a goddess-oriented spirituality.  As soon as I have the time, I going to go to the library & get as many books out as I can carry.  I’ve got a list going.

***

Busy as a bee!  I’ve been spring cleaning all week – the house is lovely – oh, the weather’s great – warm – sunny – spring!  Although it’s supposed to get chilly again – over the weekend – that’s life!  Oh, I’m dying to go camping!  This is the slowest time of the year – seems like it takes forever for the temperature to get high enough to do all the things I love to do – lie in the sun – camp – ride the motorcycle – go on a picnic – oh I can’t wait!

Well – the weekends are full – the phone’s ringing off the wall – so many jobs!  The happy homemaker & the infamous stripper – soon to be student again, I hope! Oh well – back to work –

***

Wasted.  I can’t sleep.  Teddy’s in bed – his nose hurts – he’s done for.  But of course – I can’t sleep.  I’m sitting in the kitchen – heating up chicken soup & reading Camille – should I have another drink?  Do I really want one?  I do & I don’t.  “I don’t” is winning – I haven’t had a bite or two of breakfast since this morning – or yesterday morning – whatever – & nothing else except vodka, 7-Up, birth-control, Contac & four aspirins.  Yes, I’d better forget about another drink & have some soup!  Besides – if I go to bed without eating, I wake up at 8 or 9 a.m. starving & sick to my stomach because of it.  But I might be sick anyway.

No more vodka!  No more toots!  Ice water & chicken soup.  Oh, I need to lie down.  I’d like to sleep a long time.  I’d say forever but isn’t that death?  I’m not ready for that – I suppose if I was, I’d be shooting smack.

***

Oh, it’s so nice today – it much be 70 or more – it’s hot, anyway!  I’d really like to lie in the sun but since I have a cold, I’d better not.  My right eye is all enflamed – when I woke up it was all red, puffy & half-closed – I was really upset because I have a birthday party to dance at 4:30 p.m. – & it really hurts.  I went over to Danielle’s & she put some drops in it.  I rode my bike – Paulie was home & brought it up for me – it was so great to ride around.  I’m tired now – time to nap before having to take a bath, shave, wash my hair, curl my hair, put on my make-up – hope my eye is better by then – put on my jewelry, my perfume, my attitude –

***

[April]

Teddy just ran up to Wilson Farms to get some aspirin – I told him to buy a can of chicken noodle soup & Pepsi when he was there.  Tonight we babysat for Doug & Danielle – they went to the hockey game.  Well – he’s back now –

2 a.m.  Teddy is going to bed.  I am staying up a bit.  A really good documentary is on – about the earliest movies – their story-lines, production – the rise of the nickelodeon – the “first” film that told a “whole” story – Thomas Edison – the rise of the moguls – the building of the movie houses – the evolution of MGM & the other filmmakers.  But the best part is all this old footage – old, as in pre-WWI – the way people dressed & acted.  Oh, what are movies anyway?  Just doorways – or windows – to the past – windows you look through – since you walk through doorways & there is no way I can walk into the past.  & these windows are pretty cloudy with dust & dirt.

I ramble.  I wanted to make a note – about how the big movie houses were for movies as well as vaudeville shows.  But then the movies became more popular than vaudeville.

I ramble.  I have to pee.  Wait – what do I have to say?  I can’t remember.  I told Teddy I’d only be up another 5 minutes & I’ve been up way longer than that – well it always is.  The documentary is over – I’m going around the dial.  MTV?  Hate this video.  CNN?  News more than once a day is boring.  What’s this?  “Perry Mason”!  Great!

***

Wasted.  I have really nothing to say.  Then why do I write?  Habit, I guess.

***

Just home from Dr. West’s.  Sex talk – the whole time he worked on me.  He went into his office & put on cologne when I arrived.  Just before I left, he turned on the “sander” – the massager — & caressed my sides – my breasts – my hips – & last my crotch – my clit melted – it’s still tingling –

Part of the conversation when like this – he said, “It’s hard, being married, so many pretty ladies, but I don’t know who to trust.”

I replied, “I know exactly what you mean.”  & I certainly do.

“Can I trust you?” he asked.

“Yes, you can,” I answered.

I told him about Monday.  I had a birthday party to do – a last-minute call – at Murphy Manufacturing – for the boss, J.  I was in the most foul mood – I’d partied heavily all weekend – staying up all night – bending time – drinking to excess & of course lots of cocaine.  Puff & toot!  Anyway – by Monday I was completely burned out – muscles aching – just plain tired.  I was horny too – I’d been on fire all weekend & I slept all Monday morning & had the wettest dreams – I was still wet when I was doing my show – I was on fire!  I was a volcano!  Molten fire!  Of course – J. was a hunk – lovely hard muscles – a chest covered with hair – only 32 years old – I was horny & wet & he knew it – he was horny & hard.  For the first time – at a stag, anyway – I wished Teddy wasn’t there – I wanted to go into an empty office & get the living daylights fucked out of me – it was the most uncomfortable feeling – part shame – part frustration – part erotic desire that I was unable to mask –

He called my cunt “roast beef” – I had never heard that before.  Most men compare female sexual parts to seafood.  I guess it’s because of my long lips.  I quipped, “Real food for real people.”  He was saying, “I love large cunts, I like them better than large tits, I wanna eat you, suck on your large cunt, you want me to, I wanna fuck you, I have a big fat cock – ”

But alas – or maybe thank goodness – I went home with Teddy – then we went to Anderson’s for roast beef sandwiches – which was ironic when you think about it –

But I couldn’t stop thinking about him & I wished I could go back there all alone.

***

I’m sick – I’ve been sick for days.  Saturday morning I woke up with no voice & it’s been downhill since then.  I had to work Saturday night – of course – with the usual energy booster – of course – & Sunday I was shot.  Monday & Tuesday I felt terrible – bummed out & pissed off about being sick – like my body has let me down – betrayed me – I’ve got so many things to do – Teddy says to lay back & relax & get better but Jesus Christ, the last thing I want to do is relax!  He says I don’t know how to relax anyway – getting sick is enforced relaxation.  I finished all my library books & I’m reading Gone With The Wind again.

I do feel a bit better today – not so tired & appetite’s coming back a bit.  That’s one things about being sick – what a great diet.  My belly is completely gone.  Mostly I’ve been drinking – coffee, tea, pepsi, beer, milk, iced tea, water – I’ve been dying for lemonade.  Oh the weather’s been so lovely – warm, sunny – soft breezes coming through the front window – oh what a drag to be sick!  I was going to go to UB for a series of lecture on radical poetry – but oh well – that’s life.

But I do feel better – when I cough, I’m able to move the phlegm in my lungs.  It makes me think of a frozen ice floe finally able to move – like the Niagara River.

I’m hungry again – thank goodness we have plenty of food.  Lots of soup – which is probably what I should stick to.  If I start feeling too good, Teddy will get mad at me for not taking it easy – pushing myself for I’m ready.  I have a busy busy busy weekend – completely booked up – including a Sunday gig – as a favor to Anthony Falco.  I guess Teddy’s right – I’ll have to continue taking it easy.  But I’m so bored!

***

I’m beat.  Today was the first day since I’ve been sick I didn’t go back to bed after Teddy left – I stayed up & cooked myself a nice breakfast – two eggs over easy & a slice of baked Virginia ham & toast.  Then I defrosted the fridge – laundered my costumes – stripped & remade the bed – cleaned the bathroom – straightened all the rooms – & dusted & vacuumed the living room.  There’s more to do – I haven’t done housework all week – but I’m tired out now.  This place looks presentable though.  It was really beginning to get on my nerves.  Teddy says I’m silly – to worry about the housework when I’m sick – but I can’t help it.  I hate a messy house.

***

Look at this handwriting – man, am I fucked up.  It is a total effort to make the pen move along the paper – on the pale blue lines – making each character even & precise & legible.  The news is on – the weather – fucking A!  Winter again!  Cold air, sharp wind & flurries – oh, it sucks!  Winter is really hanging on this year.

I hate writing when I’m this fucked up.  I feel like a child – writing so slowly – like it’s an effort!  It is an effort!  By the time I’ve written what I want, my mind has raced way beyond where I’m at – it’s so frustrating – & I’ve got a wicked cramp in my forearm –

I guess I’ll stop –

But oh – I’m so happy I want to write forever!  Oh, my arm hurts!  I guess I’ll have to sit here & feel good – laugh –

I put Teddy to bed – he’s so burned out – such a heavy weekend – lots of stags & lots of partying.  I burn out a lot easier than I used to – I can’t handle the druggie life as effortlessly as I once did – a few years ago I made so much fun of Teddy cuz he couldn’t keep up with me – being 7 years older – oh how I used to laugh – but the laugh’s on me now.  Cuz now I’m feeling it.  My back’s a mess & my knees are going.  I can hang in there better than Teddy partly cuz I still have my youth pride – though it’s slipping away – more & more – it’s getting really hard – oh my knees – & I’m so tired.  Still I’m young enough to continue ignoring that fact.  I don’t wanna give up – I know I will soon have to – Teddy is proof of that.  I am proof of that – I am really tired.  I’m sick of my muscles aching.  Time to change – soon, soon.  Whether I like it or not.

***

So much has happened since I last wrote – mostly I’ve been sick – really sick – more sick than I’ve been since 1981 – when I O.D.’d on MDA – last weekend was a nightmare.  & of course, the thing that gets me through a weekend of stag parties is the same thing that is making me so sick!  It’s a vicious cycle!

The Canteen Reunion party was Tuesday, April 19 – I supposed I was still sick then but I refused to admit it – nothing would have kept me from that party.  & it was a great party & I was – without a doubt – the star of the show.  & I put on one of the best performances I have ever done – as sick as I was.  Linda Ronstadt’s “What’s New” was my opening song & it brought down the house – opening with a floor routine.  Monday I had a hangover & Wednesday would be even worse.  But Thursday I was so sick I would have welcomed a hangover – a hangover would have been much better than whatever sickness I was suffering – the flu – pneumonia – whatever it was.  I suppose I should have gone to the doctor.  But I was so sick – I just wanted to sleep.  Even now I am still under the weather – although much better.  Better enough to go out to dinner with Doug & Danielle – we went to the Anchor Bar for wings & then to Falco’s – it was Craig’s 34th birthday – & of course I have to work tonight & tomorrow night.  If I can get through an ordeal like last weekend – especially Friday – when I didn’t even have coke to ease the pain – this weekend will be easy – easy –