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a novel in progress

Month: October, 2016

Excerpts From a Diary 29

[January, 1986]

Oh my god – John Canton died last night – he had a heart attack – this is the end of the club – Shirley says they’ll keep it open but mark my words – in six months it’ll be closed down.

Oh what a wonderful man he was.  Nothing will ever be the same.

***

John Canton’s funeral was yesterday.  It was in this little Presbyterian Church in Lewiston – very plain & austere – Teddy & I dressed conservatively – since we know how to dress – but everyone else from the club was dressed like they were going to a Prince concert.  They looked so terribly out of place in that sober church that I had trouble not laughing.  There was a lunch afterward but none of us from The Canteen were invited.  We went to Murphy’s & had a few drinks – I wanted to stay longer of course – but Teddy said we had to leave.  We stopped at John Fleury’s & picked up an 8-ball.  Jesse came over to split it with us & stayed half the night, partying.

***

[February, 1986]

Friday night – Valentine’s day – was Oralie’s birthday – I wasn’t working – none of us were – the week & two weeks before were busy with stags since Valentine’s Day is popular as a wedding date but it’s not as a stag party date.  Oralie wanted all of us to go out partying with her – she wanted to hit that new nightclub The Inferno out on Walden Avenue – it used to be Uncle Sam’s – I’m not into large nightclubs but if that’s where she wanted to go, that’s where she wanted to go.

I didn’t want any snazzy clothes to wear but it really didn’t matter since it was brutally cold anyway.  I wore my usual – tight jeans, my boots, a sheer embroidered gypsy top, all my jewelry & my heavy tweed old lady coat over it – this coat is ugly as fuck but it’s super warm & I don’t care particularly what I look like as long as I’m warm.  I have a black wool babushka that I wear over my head & lots of times, when I arrive at stags, guys are like – what the fuck – until I take the scarf & the coat off & they see the sexy babe underneath.

Teddy gave me a hit of acid to do & an 8-ball of coke to divide & sell to the girls before we went out.  That way, I would have a gram of my own to party with that wouldn’t cost me anything & plenty of cash for drinks.  Jesse was over, buying coke for his weekend – as usual – & he gave me a ride to Murphy’s – where we were all meeting – on his way back to his place.  I asked him in for a drink but he said no.  “I know Doreen’s got a special Valentine’s meal for me,” he told me.  “Isn’t that nice,” I replied.  “She’s trying,” he said almost pleadingly.  I shrugged.  “I’m happy for you,” & I didn’t know if I was lying or not.

At the bar, I sold grams to Oralie, Gigi & Mo.  I dropped acid with my drink – I was drinking vodka gimlets.  Oralie & Gigi had LSD too – I don’t know where they got theirs or what kind it was.  But they had already dropped & were getting off before we left Murphy’s.  Laura Lee was with us but she was the designated driver.  “One of us has got to stay sober!” she said.  “Get us all back here in one piece!”

We were in Laura Lee’s  Toyota Tercel Hatchback – I got to ride in the back – all scrunched up, lying on my back – & I got off back there – looking at the streetlights going by – it was really cool – probably the best part of the night, actually.  I was tripping balls at the Inferno – honestly I don’t remember a whole lot about that place.  Just that it was noisy & bright & there were balloons falling & ribbons & sparklers – it was too much – I had to turn inward – stop paying attention.  It helped when Oralie asked me to dance & we were on the dance floor for a long long time – I love dancing when I’m tripping – totally part of the music & the scene & the beat & the lights.

We were on the second floor, looking down on the dance floor & Gigi showed up with some dude hanging all over her.  She was wearing a shiny green dress that Nicola had made for her & it was tight & low-cut & the dude obviously couldn’t get enough of her enormous breasts.  I sat there in my seat & looked at her & thought that she looked like a Rubins pin-up.  Really surreal & beautiful.

Oralie was going on about a tattoo she had on her hip – a bleeding heart pierced by three swords – something to do with being born on Valentine’s day – I couldn’t follow it – but the dude wanted to see it so she pulled up her skirt – she was wearing her red leather mini skirt & a matching jacket & white boots – & showed it to the dude.  So he turned to Gigi & said, “What do you have to show me?”  Naturally she pulls open her dress – which it was designed to do, of course – & shows him her giant tits.  Then he turned to me.  “What do you have to show me?”

I laughed.  I stood up & was ready to drop my drawers & bend over & moon him – just to be a good sport – but then his wife/girlfriend/whoever she was came up & he took off & I didn’t have to.  We all laughed & went down to dance again.

It was getting late & the tunes were all slow numbers for all the happy Valentine couples so Oralie wanted to leave & hit some other bars & I was all for that.  We collected Mo & Laura Lee but couldn’t find Gigi.  Oralie started to giggle.  “I bet she’s with that dude in his limo!  She can’t resist making a few dollars!”  We decided to go out to the car & wait for her.  “She’ll figure out where we are.”

As we were leaving the club, the wife/girlfriend/whoever came up & accosted me for “dropping” my pants in front of her “husband” – so I guess she was his wife.  I said, “I never dropped my pants” but she insisted, “Oh yes you did, he said you did, he said all of you showed him your best parts & you showed him your pussy!”  So I told her, “Your husband is a liar.”  She started screaming at me & went to pull my hair – really! – & I ducked but something about her clicked – & I looked at her again.  & then it came to me.  We used to work together – years ago – when I worked at Jenss.  Her name is Remi & she was engaged at the time – this must be the guy she married – I remember it wasn’t a particularly happy engagement – she was always wondering where he was – he was that kind of dude.

I said, “Remi, don’t you remember me?  I’m Cori, we used to work together at Jenss.”

“Cori – you slut – you whore!  You showed your pussy to my husband!”

I laughed.  “I’m a slut!  I’m a whore!  Well – you’re a fool!  While you’re wasting your time screaming at me here, your ever-loving husband is getting a blowjob from my friend Gigi!  So why don’t you go scream at her?  Or better yet – scream at him?”

By then, there was a crowd around us.  Oralie was pushing me out the door & Remi was screaming at both of us & then – here comes Gigi, all proud of herself – & Remi started in on her – so we all ran across the parking lot to the car & piled in – laughing as hard as we could.  Gigi pulled out $100 – I’m sure she got more off the dude – & said “The next bar, the drinks are on me!”

We bar-hopped the rest of the night.  At Club Utica, there must have been a water main break earlier in the day because the entire street & even the sidewalks were covered in ice – I slipped & fell & so did Oralie – we were laughing so hard that we couldn’t get back up – & I had to crawl to the curb where I finally was able to get to my feet.  We ended up having breakfast at Perkins on Delaware Avenue – it was 5 in the morning & the place was packed.  I was so wasted that I accidentally walked out the fire exit & set off the fire alarm – oops!  I got home as Teddy was leaving for work.  I slept all day Saturday & even most of Sunday.  I can’t say I was hungover – I was beyond hungover – exhausted is more like it.

***

[May, 1986]

I’m so depressed I can’t stand it.  I miss him & I want him & I love him & I can’t stop.  I’m completely helpless – I don’t know what to do – I know it’s over but I can’t get the memory of him out of my mind – I cream my jeans when I think about our making love – I remember every second – I can’t forget – I can’t forget –

I’m dying.  I’m sick of staying at home – I want to go out drinking – I want to go shopping – anything to get this off my mind!  Teddy’s sleeping on the couch – I can’t stand it!  I can’t sleep!  I slept all night!

Later.  Feeling better & almost ashamed of what I wrote before – my awful moods.  & I – Cori, happy Cori!  With the best husband in the world!  I mean – he loves me so well & understands so much – I mean, so what if he doesn’t fuck me!  He loves me!

***

[July, 1986]

I showed up at work at the Canteen today & it was padlocked shut.  I’m not surprised – John Canton’s son – Jack – has been running the club & he doesn’t know any more about running a strip club than my Aunt Louise.  He’s a real estate lawyer.  Like all lawyers, he thinks he can do anything as long as he delegates properly.  He didn’t take into consideration that nobody wanted to work with his arrogant ass.  Shirley could have run that club single-handedly but she wouldn’t lift a finger for him.  I’ve been watching the destruction of the club since almost the day John Canton died.  Bottles of liquor disappearing from the back room & even from behind the bar.  Glasses & plates gone.  Even the flatwear.

& there were hardly any customers left – the raising of the drinking age didn’t really affect us, since you always had to be 21 to get into a strip club in New York – but being able to drink at age 19 in the Ontario bars & all the new exotic dancing clubs up there – where they dance completely nude – has really cut into our clientele.  The Canteen isn’t the only club that has closed in the last few years.  I can name at least five clubs that have closed in the last five years – at least that.  But ya know – it’s not just strip clubs, it’s everything.  The rock’n’roll clubs are closing – times are changing.

I’ve been thinking of going to Canada to work.  Teddy doesn’t want me to.

***

Tish is engaged.  She’s marrying her college sweetheart – he’s was ROTC all through college so now he’s off doing special training for the Army – he’s a computer specialist – “military intelligence” being a misnomer as George Carlin would say.  They’re getting married after the New Year.  I wonder if I’ll be one of the brides maids?  Or matrons, since I’m married.  I’ve never been in a wedding.  Except my own, of course.

***

Mom & Bob kicked Randy out of the house because of “tough love” – he’s 18 now & was working with a landscaping crew & I guess partying all the time so the A.A. couple of the year kicked him out!  He’s living with Jesse & Doreen right now.  Jesse is trying to get him into the union but right now he’s managed to get a spot on a local landscaping crew.  He’s as tall as Jesse but with fairer hair & a much darker tan.  He’s incredibly beautiful.

***

[December, 1986]

Busy with stags at the end of the year.  The usual Christmas show.  Corny but everyone loves it.  A little Santa dress & hat & my red shoes & all the best music.  I miss The Canteen but now I have so much more time for the law office & for dancing work.  I am making more money than ever.  But of course I am always broke.  Amazing how that works.

I have been reading The Mists of Avalon.  I love the turn on the King Arthur tale.  But I also love the idea of an old religion that was supplanted by Christianity – it explains to much & makes everything so clear – why during the Reformation, the Protestants called the Roman Catholic religion “pagan” – because in many cases, it just took over its stories wholesale – I really want to learn more & read more about the old religion.  The idea of a Goddess – I always was devoted to the Mother Mary – but the idea of a Goddess really appeals to me.

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Excerpts From a Diary 28

[Holidays, 1985]

That stag at the Three Coins last night was a drag – a million delays – I swear, some guys think that they are the only party I have in a night & I can hang out & wait around for all their stupidity!  Fucking Italians!  They’re the worst!  Oh – not all Italians but these stupid mobsters or these mobsters wannabes – whatever they are!  They’re more interested in gambling than seeing a pretty girl dance!  Fuck their stupid card games – their poker games & their blackjack!  & they tip like shit.  We got to our second stag at Columbia Hook & Ladder an hour late & the third stag at Wales Fire Hall so late I’m surprised they still wanted me to dance.  All in all it was a good night – it could have been a terrible night – I made $482.  I would have made over $500 if we hadn’t had been so late to the second two stags.  Of course – I never would have booked the third stag way out in Wales anyway – that was Teddy’s stupid idea – he never seems to consider how long it takes to get from one place to another.  It was only a few minutes from Three Coins to Columbia Hook & Ladder – they’re both in North Tonawanda – but almost an hour to get out to Wales – that’s almost Wyoming County out there.   I have to really talk to Teddy about booking jobs & about proper charging for going way the hell out there.  I mean – that’s a long  ride.  Not only out there but coming home, too.  Tonight I only have one stag – at Quinn’s Pitcher’s Mound – at the corner of Kenmore & Military.

I have a piece of glass in my foot & it hurts.  I have to dig it out – I already got some of it – but I’m gonna wait till I take my bath.  It’s already been in there at least two or three days anyway.  I’m surprised it’s taken this long for it to hurt.

We just got home from running errands – to John Fleury’s for an 8-ball – to the cleaner’s – to the drug store to pick up developed film – out to Eastern Hills Mall to get my new boots.  I adore these new boots!  I just finished water-proofing them.  I have to let them sit 24 hours before wearing them but I just might wear them out tonight anyway.

It’s dark & dreary out – been raining several hours.  Traffic’s slow & stupid.  I’m glad to be home – I wish my foot would stop hurting.

***

I’m sitting in the car – Teddy’s inside at Jimmy’s house – paying him.  Jimmy’s another coke connection – he’s Paulie’s cousin – we have at least four or five now – Teddy wants to be able to always score when he wants to score & he says one connection can’t always deliver.  We’re on our way home from a stag.  The hockey game is on the radio – it just started – that’s how I know what time it is.  I have absolutely no idea what time it is.  But hockey games always start at 7:30.  The stag would have been great if I hadn’t been so hungover from last night.  I didn’t even want to drink – that’s how hungover I was.

***

Today’s our third anniversary.  We started celebrating this morning by smoking some hash before we went to work – then, after work – while we did a load of wash – we went to Falco’s for some drinks & a game of pool.  I won – I’m getting really good at pool.  Of course, I play all the time.  In an hour, we’re going to Mom’s for cocktails, then Mom & Jerry are taking us to dinner.  We’re going to the Old Red Mill Inn.  I’ve always wanted to eat there.  I hope it’s good.  After dinner, Teddy & I are going to drink champagne & snort coke & – hopefully – make love.  I guess that’s pretty standard anniversary shit but who cares.  It would be great if Teddy actually makes love to me.  I would be happy to have no champagne & no coke if that happened.  On the other hand – champagne & coke makes the no sex part a lot easier.

Business is booming.  We now book a stag a day.  It’s so wonderful being a star!

***

Soooo tired.  I didn’t get to everything on my list today – when do I?  — but I worked on my story – which is more important anyway.  Also I finished reading the new biography of Colette – excellent!  Totally cool life.  I love how she took control of her life after being controlled by her first husband.  & how she was a dancer & then a celebrated novelist.  I can only hope that my life turns out as well.  But reading doesn’t get my chores done.  I can’t help it – I would rather read or write than do hand wash or mend.  It seems like I’m always mending.  I wish I could just toss away my old clothes & buy new ones.  But I can’t afford that – I have to remake old things into new things or else I’d never have anything new.

Now I’m reading a book about Catherine the Great – I was halfway through it when I picked up the Colette biography – I’m gonna push to get through it.  I have so many books piled up to read – to many papers to take care of – so many projects.  There aren’t enough hours in the day!

Earl’s back in town – he said he sold his house & is packing up.  We’re going to go to lunch tomorrow.  I’m looking forward to champagne & onion soup.  Oh, how I wish he was staying here!  Oh well – it’s for the best – he really loves his new job.  But he says he misses me.

***

Man, what a drag!  My car died – again!  I just got it back Monday night!  They put a new fuel pump in – the nice black dude who helped me  said that the fuel isn’t getting to the engine – so who knows about this new fuel pump.  I’m not sure about these dudes at B & J International.  At least it died pretty close to home – off of Olympic Ave., near the Kensington Expressway.  I walked to B & J International.  Now they can’t get their tow-truck started – really inspires confidence!

It pisses me off cuz I didn’t want to call in sick to the law office – I’m not sick anyway – it’s my damn car – I hate calling in for any reason whatsoever!  Plus I have so much to do today when I get off of work – go to the laundromat – go over to Jesse’s to see the new baby – well, actually to see Jesse – I could care less about the new baby, honestly – & to get Halloween stuff for costumes for stag parties & for work – I DON’T NEED THIS SHIT!! Oh well, it could’ve died on Fillmore Ave. or Sycamore Street & then I would have really been up shit creek.  I’m also glad I wore sneakers – the heels on my new boots are already worn down & walking 10 blocks or whatever it is from the Kensington to here – Hewitt Avenue – would’ve really demolished them.

***

At The Canteen.  In the dressing room.   I don’t feel like working today.  It’s kinda dead out there – no one I really feel like talking to & I’m not into small talk – god I hate small talk!  It’s so boring – “What’s new?” – ya know, nothing ever is – with me, anyway – I go to work every day – do stag parties on the weekend – not much ever changes in my life.  I wish I was home – hanging out with Teddy.  Or better still – that Teddy would walk in with some coke & do some partying!  Or even better – that we were at home partying.

I just wish I could sit at the bar by myself & have fun just hanging out but naturally everyone always wants to talk – I’m just not in a talking mood.

***

Another day of rain – how many has it been in a row? – ten? – eleven?  It’s totally dark & foggy out – street lights still shine at nearly 9 in the morning.  Looking out the window from my computer terminal, I can see the buildings downtown – I can only make out the ones I know are there anyway.  Makes you wonder what today would have been like when Buffalo was a boom town – with the trains & the factories going full blast & the boats in the harbor & on the canal & the sounds of prosperity everywhere.  Probably today would be as dark as night – smelly – the fog holding in & intensifying the pollution of a midwest megalopolis.

***

Jesse was over this evening.  He bought some weed & coke to take hunting – he’s taking his younger brother Randy down to West Valley for opening day of deer season – Randy’s seventeen now & has been hunting down in Ohio with friends for over a year but as Jesse says, “He needs a man to hunt with, like my father hunted with me but he doesn’t do that anymore – not since he got sober” – which really doesn’t make sense to me – you’d think that not being drunk would make a man more conducive to good hunting, not less.  But all Bob wants to do is go to A.A. & talk about his “strength, hope & experience”.  I know that Jesse goes down to West Valley ever year to hunt but it’s more of a getaway from Doreen than an actual hunting experience – Doreen won’t touch venison – I love it but Teddy of course won’t eat it at all or anything killed like that – he’s totally a supermarket meat man.  Teddy can’t eat turkey if he sees it coming out of the oven – he says it looks too much like “the carcass” – which is idiotic – but that’s the way he is – it’s the same with a roasted chicken – I have to completely carve it & bring it to the table on a platter – which increases my workload & makes the meat dry.  But that’s life.

***

OH MY GOD.  Jesse just called from Buffalo General Hospital – he’s there with Randy – apparently Randy fell down a hill down there in West Valley & somehow his gun discharged & blew a hole in his foot – Jesse tied a tourniquet around Randy’s leg with a bandana & I guess that saved his foot – but he’s going to have a hole in it for the rest of his life – which sounds really suspicious to me, because wouldn’t the foot heal?  Who walks around with a hole in their foot?  But who knows?  I think the doctors are trying to scare Randy but honestly – who the fuck knows.  Maybe there’s dozens of dumbass men walking around with holes shot in their feet.  I never thought about it.  Jesse says he’s on painkillers & he’s going to be OK.

This is totally changing Thanksgiving.  Instead of everyone going down to Cleveland, Mom & Bob are coming here & we are all going to have dinner at Jesse & Doreen’s.  & because Doreen is really not much of a cook, she is going to do a ham – cuz really, how do you fuck up a ham? – & I am going to do the turkey – since I know how to roast a turkey & dressing – & bring it over there, all cooked – & everyone else is bringing everything else.  Mom is baking pies in Cleveland & bringing them up.   I’ll probably do the a big green salad as well.

***

Thanksgiving.  Everything turned out ok although it was super crowded at Jesse & Doreen’s & the new baby – Allison – cried almost the entire day – I had such a headache by the time we left – I didn’t even want to take any leftovers or anything – I just wanted to get the fuck out of there.  I hate a crying baby!  Zach was the same way when he was a baby & he wasn’t really much better now at two years old – whiny & complaining.  What Mom calls “the terrible twos”.  I guess all the people freaked them out but still.  I don’t know why Doreen doesn’t nurse her babies – both Zach & now Allison are on formula – so naturally they’re fussy & unsatisfied.  Mom said the same thing.

Randy was on crutches but he seemed to be OK.  Still on painkillers but he ate well & had a few beers – he had killed a nice 8-point the day before the accident happened & he was real happy about that.  He’s going to have it mounted.  Seventeen years old & he’s got his first mount! Jesse was twenty-five before he got his first one & then – of course – Doreen wouldn’t let him get it mounted because she hates that kind of thing.  Would never have it in the house.  He still has the antlers – it’s hard to believe Jesse giving in on something like that.  But whatever.  Randy’s turned into a very handsome young man – almost as tall as Jesse – fairer than Jesse & with hazel eyes that are almost green.  Bob was really pissed at him about the accident, though.  I couldn’t get it – I mean – it’s an accident.  That’s why they’re called accidents.  Again – I was really glad to get out of there & back to our quiet home.  Teddy had some coke stashed & we partied when we got home.  I was glad he had thought ahead.

***

I’m down – I feel weighted down with heavy emotion – desires – longings.  Last night we were supposed to pick up an 8-ball – John Fleury was supposed to call & drop it off on his way to a wedding reception but that never happened.  Actually – I don’t care about that – I would have liked to have partied but on the other hand, I’m glad I got a good night’s sleep.  It’s everyone else – the constant phone calls – “Where is it?” – knowing that certain people think we’re dicking them around when actually we’re the ones being dicked around.  It’s the domino effect – & we’re the ones in the middle of the falling dominoes.

I laid in bed & fingered myself to orgasm & thought of Jesse.  Why does he want me sometimes & not other times?  When we got together the other day I thought I was going to die.  Oh – his magic dick.  I love how it feels in me! Dying dying dying for more.   Hating everything – having to work all day – never having enough time to meet a lover – well – I’m Teddy’s wife – guess a lover is not part of the picture anyway.  But it’s part of my picture!  I can’t help it – I’m horny – I’m horny almost all the motherfucking time!  I want a good fuck – I want his cock jamming inside of me!

I’m tired of working all the time.  I’m tired of never having enough money to buy a new outfit or even the trimmings to make a new outfit out of an old one.  Or even a desperately needed new pair of shoes – the ones I’m dancing in have holes in them – I’ve told Teddy over & over again that I have to have new shoes – but no, the money goes to drug deals or to car payments or rent or the fucking heating oil – always something other than me – & I’m the one making the money!  I have no say!  I’m so tired of this!

& now – after the other day – & I can’t believe it happened – after barely being with him all summer – waiting all fall – will it happen again?  The way he kissed me – only Jesse can kiss like that – I know he wants me as badly as I want him –

Stopping at the Parker Liquor Store & buying a jug of red wine before going to his rental on the West Side – vacant again – & making love for hours – he took a big swig of wine & let it dribble out of his mouth into mine & then all over my breasts & then he licked it off – oh – I am wet thinking about it – how I want him – I only want him!!   He is the only one!

***

I’m in the car – in the parking lot – waiting for Teddy – he’s in the bank, cashing a check.  Then we’re going to run a few errands – pay my doctor bill – buy some papers.  Tonight Bernie’s coming for supper again – Ariane’s out of town on business.  We’re having Mexican pork chops & rice.  I’m hungry right now!  I wouldn’t mind a Texas dog or something.

I wish Teddy would hurry up.

At Top’s.  Teddy is inside, paying the electric bill.  Next is the doctor’s, then back to Danielle’s – we bought her a pack of papers.  Then home – I can hardly wait.  I have so much I wanna do – so much I’ll probably not do.  I’ll end up smoking joints with Teddy & Bernie & instead of getting up & doing something all nice & stoned, I’ll melt into the couch, reading or doing crossword puzzles.

***

I’m not at work – I arranged not to go because of the big stag tonight – working 8-11 at the law office, 12-5 at The Canteen & then a stag tonight seemed a little much.  Especially since last night, I got very little sleep – although I didn’t know that when I asked for the hours off last week – but Thursday nights are generally sleepless due to the usual 8-ball deal & the subsequent late-night partying – it’s easy to figure on burned-out Friday mornings.  Teddy kinda floated off to work today – he says he didn’t sleep a wink last night.  I know I floated in & out of consciousness – which isn’t exactly sleeping.  Just now I started feeling sick.

OK.  That passed.  Last night I went out shopping & drinking with Crissy – it was so strange not being with Teddy.  I really missed him.  Everyone tells me we’re together too much – all my girlfriends are constantly asking me out – trying to get me out with the girls!  But I’d rather be with Teddy!  Even though I was having a good time, I was glad to get home & show Teddy what I bought – finally a new pair of shoes! – & a few other things.  He & Jesse were snorting coke when I got here.  I was so glad to see Jesse – oh, that man makes me so horny!  This morning, he stopped by to drop off money for a deal – I gave him a cup of coffee.  & sugar – lots of sugar!  The special kind of sugar – the kind that only I have! Just like Teddy, he hadn’t slept a wink last night – I had to laugh – I was the one out drinking!

Oh – time for a hot bath – I feel so divine – I love to get fucked in the morning!

***

Anaïs Nin, in the fourth volume of the Early Diary writes: “I adore, I worship Hugh with my body and soul.  But I have a surplus of affection, of enthusiasm, which is pent up because he does not need it all.”

That is exactly my relationship with Teddy.  Although we are closer than ever & spend more time together than most couples, there is so much inside of me – so much affection – so much good sex – so much more than Teddy needs or demands from me.  It’s such a drag to constantly need more – to always be horny – always wanting – satisfied for short moments only.

Sometimes I want so intensely – I can feel the kiss – the pressure of his lips – his tongue – the look in his blue eyes when he told me:  “I can hardly wait to get laid off – I want to fuck you every day –  or whenever it’s convenient for your sweet little cunt” – I am dying.  I am perpetually in heat.  It dominants me – whether I am in the law office – in the car – enjoying a moment with Teddy – dancing – I can’t escape it.  I love it – passion – desire – sweat – cum – the never-ceasing rhythm – the smells & sounds of lovemaking – the complete sensual life – oh what am I to do –

***

Another grey day.  Sitting at the bar at Falco’s, while my wash dries.  A great idea:  a Laundromat with a bar inside.  So while you fold your laundry, you can have a drink.  Actually, my wash is probably done – but I’ve got this drink to finish!

I feel good today.  I have a stag tonight & I can hardly wait.  Out in Angola-on-the-Lake – what a drag!  Oh well – we’ll have a good time partying on our way out there.  I’m dying to dance!

***

New Year’s Eve – getting ready for our party.  We’re so low on cash – last night Teddy poured over the list – trying to cut a few pennies here – save a dime there – so we’re not getting olives or vegies other than carrots & celery – he plans to buy the bargain blue cheese dressing instead of Marie’s.

I’ll be so glad when this season is over.  Party, party, party!  I need a few months of quiet – time to writer – sew – create art – rest.  I have no bookings for 1986 yet – but if 1986 is anything like 1985, I’ll be busy busy busy!

But at this point, I’m just looking forward to next week.  Last week I found a bunch of poems in a notebook I’d forgotten about – I want to work on them – get them typed up & done.  Writing is all I want to do in January.

Well, I have to go wash dishes – straightening up my dressing room – start moving around plants & books so they’re not damaged during tonight’s party.  & I have to bake a cake – January 1 is Jesse’s birthday – he doesn’t know it yet but tonight’s party is also going to be a birthday party for him.  I love him so much!

A wife may love her husband but nobody loves a man like a mistress does.