Excerpts From A Diary 38
by silverapplequeen
[Fall, 1989]
[October]
I have been busy all morning. I really thought I’d sleep in after what was a bitch of a weekend – Darryl fucked us again – a party cancelled – I caught the guy in a lie & had to tell him to fuck off & die – Teddy & I had a major argument Friday night – I walked out & want to Falco’s & got really drunk – Mike Taylor was there – he used to live with Maryellen but I guess they’ve broken up – we were hustling pool together – hustling college boys – I was the partner who played most of the game – making pretty good shots but always setting up the other guy – & then near the end, Mike would go in for the kill. Gambling’s not allowed at Falco’s but we were playing for drinks & I got smashed. Mike walked me home – he was drunker than I am. Since he & Maryellen broke up, I thought that maybe he was trying to hit on me but he was so drunk I don’t think he was able to think in those terms. He was barely able to walk a straight line.
Anyway – I was sick all day on Saturday – I had three parties to work – the last one started at 12:30 a.m. – I could barely walk yesterday – but the Bills kicked ass & we got some ass-kicking weed – so I guess the weekend ended up OK – well it ended up great – I was almost asleep when Teddy started making love to me – I was so surprised – twice in one month! I guess his sex drive is returning because we’re not doing as much coke – or maybe he’s just relieved because the money’s working out – who knows, who cares – I’m not complaining – you know me, I can never get enough – I guess you could say that the weekend ended like it started – since I was with Jesse Friday morning – but that’s another thing – really nothing alike at all when you think about it. All men are not the same.
Shera never called me – you really have to wonder about some people. Not even to give me a call. Well – that’s life – I can’t worry about her – or anyone else – I’m too busy. I started packing to move this morning. The pictures are coming off the walls – the books are getting packed. Some of these pictures have been on these walls for 8 years! Oh – this place is already beginning to look strange! It’s such a bittersweet feeling – part of my life is being packed away. 8 years. I have certainly gone though some heavy changes here.
***
Totally upset. Totally depressed. The money from Mom hasn’t arrived. Without it – there is no trip to San Francisco – there’s no vacation at all. All is not lost, I suppose – it could come tomorrow – & we could still go. But we have to get the weed tonight – Pat works until 9 on Thursday – I am totally beside myself. I am so sick of things fucking up. This trip is so fucking stupid anyway. It’s all my fault. I could have worked all weekend & gone out to dinner on Monday but no! I had to have a stupid honeymoon!
Jesse called – last week he offered to help financially – but this week – “I’m all tapped out” – sure you are! Fuck off & die! These assholes & their stupid bank accounts! Ya’ll love me so much but can’t spare a lousy $100! Fuck no!
Darryl hasn’t called either. We’ll never see that $100 again.
***
Well everything worked out. I went to Anthony Falco – he always helps me out. I have to pay him back – of course – but he always helps. I told him I’d do anything to help him – with my limited resources – a man like that deserves my best blow jobs! – Whatever he wants! – He’s a fucking sweetheart. I’ve loved him for a long time.
There wasn’t much wood at Mack Lumber – now that it’s cold – & people with wood-burning stoves are burning everything in sight. But Jesse had saved pieces for us – half a truck-load – stuff from his Christmas presents – mistakes – really nice wood! & of course – we got weed – a quarter & a gram for $70! Oh well. At least we have a little bit.
I have to continue packing – not camping – I did that yesterday – but more packing for moving – I’ll finish taking the pictures off the walls today. So much to do! So much to pack!
***
Evangola State Park. The joys of camping. We are the only people here. We had a few neighbors last night but they’ve left. There’s a Coleman camper set up half-way around the circle but no people. It’s so quiet – a quiet filled with sound – the sound of the surf – the sound of the wind in the trees – birds – bees – crickets – we are on a point, about 40 feet over Lake Erie – a rocky ledge – so you can’t see the water unless you walk through the woods to the ledge – actually to the fence – & there is Lake Erie – blue-grey & magnificent – white heads on the waves – spray in the air – & the smell of fall – not the crisp, dry fall of the inland but a damp, moldy fall. The trees are red, orange, yellow, maroon. The bushes bear berries – red, purple, blue. There are wild-flowers everywhere.
***
It’s funny how we wake up at our regular times – our internal alarm clocks work really well – we lie in bed & cuddle – it is so toasty warm – the bed is made with flannel sheets, my stag blanket & the camping quilt. The furnace ran all night, so the inside of the trailer is really warm. But outside! The wind’s blowing cold off the lake – the water looks so cold! – I’m wearing layers of clothing – underwear! – my old blue tights – red socks – my warm navy blue sweater with the collar up – jean jacket & vest. Also my gloves – my writing gloves with the finger tips cut off – & my sneakers, of course. We have a fire going already & I’m sitting close by! A hot coffee thick with half & half & sugar warms my insides. The colors of the leaves are more brilliant than ever. Blue sky with puffy clouds – white, grey & black – moving quickly away from the lake. The sun – bright & warm – but behind a cloud at the moment – the wind seems colder than ever. Winter’s on the way!
***
Teddy’s still in bed. I’ve made coffees – mmm. As soon as he’s up & about, we’re going to get a paper. He’s up! The smell of the coffee must’ve gotten to him. Charles Kuralt is on TV. I love that man! Such a smooth, comforting voice! Such an excellent bald head! I’d love to stick my tits in his face!
It’s a grey morning. The wind has totally died down. It’s eerie – the lack of sound. You can barely hear the surf. Everything seems to be waiting – for what? The rain? Gee, I hope it doesn’t rain. Not that it would bother me to have to spend the day indoors – not with books & football – but tomorrow we pack up & you never want to fold up the trailer when it’s wet. Well – we’ll just have to wait & see! Charles Kuralt just said that tomorrow is going to be a beautiful October day nearly everywhere.
Afternoon. It has turned into a beautiful afternoon. The clouds have broken up & the sun is shining – brightly through the breaks of clouds – or diffusely through wisps of clouds – now the sun it struggling to shine through a big grey mass.
We have killed the champagne. Now we are going for a walk – it’s half-time.
***
Getting packed up. My worked is essentially done – the dishes – cleaning the inside of the trailer – folding the blankets – etc. I can’t help but feel a little sad. But I’m looking forward – moving into a new place. Making new memories – Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas.
It is another lovely day, although cool. We’re burning up the rest of the wood. Soon it’ll be time to go – home to see our babies. I miss them so much!
Noon. Time to go. Such a beautiful day. A lot like our wedding day – seven years ago.
Evening. Out of joints. Not likely to get any – that’s life! I’m in a good mood anyway – got a vodka & tea here – got TV dinners in the oven – just glad to be home with Shadow & Missy. Tomorrow – cleaning out closets & packing continues.
***
Busy. I finished cleaning out my dressing room closet – going through every box – discarding or packing my fashion & porno mags. Mostly discarding. I don’t know where I’m going to have room to keep all this stuff. Now I’ve started with the office closet. It’s 100% worse than the dressing room closet – almost completely filled. My office is such a mess – a dumping ground for every other room – it’s all get cleaned – tossed out – or packed sooner or later. As much as I want to keep everything, at this point I am ready to throw 75% of everything into the garbage. I just don’t have the energy to pack it all – or to find places for it in the new apartment. We don’t have any storage in the new place & it’s just so much smaller.
Right now, I’m going through my Rolling Stone magazines – of course I am keeping those – putting them in order by date – reading articles – watching a movie – smoking bowls. I’ve got a cold – I feel dizzy – my head aches. I just ate some chicken soup & took some more aspirin. I should take a nap. But there’s so much that needs to be done – everything has to be packed up & ready to go by next week. At least I have the time to do it all – if I stay well. I’m glad I’m well-organized – everything’s been catalogued & put in its place years ago. There’s just so much of everything! Oh, I’m such a pack-rat! I am tossing out less than half of what I have – but I haven’t collected, catalogued & stored all this stuff for all these years to throw it away now. I just wish Teddy had found us a larger apartment! What was he thinking? Of course – none of this stuff is important to him.
Oh, I am tired! I think it’s time for a nap.
***
I just finished going through all my magazines & newspapers. What a chore! It took me days. As much as I wanted to keep all of them, I just couldn’t. It really made me cry. Anyway – now I can get back to packing books. I have to finish taking the pictures off the office walls & pack up all the knick-knacks. & the kitchen hasn’t been touched yet.
We got the keys to the new place today. The electricity was turned on yesterday & the gas will be turned on Monday. On Monday, Teddy’s dropping me off in the morning – I have to be there for the gas company – & I’m gonna clean the place. Not that it’s really dirty – for which I am thankful – but it needs to be power-played – vacuumed – the fridge & oven need cleaning – the bathroom – I might even do the windows.
***
At 8:10 p.m., we got the news that a major earthquake hit the San Francisco area – the Bay Bridge collapsed – it was 5 p.m. there – rush hour – massive damage – people dead & wounded – fires burning out of control – we have been watching the news all night. Keith hasn’t called us but he called Mom – who called us & reported that he is fine & so is his home. How I wish we had been able to get out there!
Later. At the new house. I am so pissed off. I forgot to bring the ammonia. I’ll have to ride home – but then I might miss the gas company. Fuck! I’m pissed! I was up half the night – trying to get the packing done – plus with the news from California – & my period – I’m just so fucking out of it.
Fuck it! I’m gonna clean the rest of the house first & then go home. What a fucking drag! I’m so sick of moving! I can hardly wait until it’s all over!
***
Depressed. It’s freezing in this stupid fucking house – I can hardly wait to move into the new place with its gas furnace – it’s pouring rain – it’s supposed to rain all day – how are we supposed to move in this weather? – I have a sore throat & a congested chest – I also got my period – fucking bullshit! Jesse was supposed to show up last night with some weed – but he never showed – never called – fucking asshole! Why can’t people at least call?
I lit the fire in the living room & made a bed for myself with a sleeping bag & blankets. I’m gonna sleep this morning – hopefully it’ll stop raining soon – I still have to clean the bathroom at the new place – we have a lot of moving to do today – I have to conserve my strength.
Packing up the kitchen – wrapping each dish in newspaper & then setting them into a box. Makes me think of working at Sibley’s – packing sets of dishes – crystal – other breakables – to be sent UPS to whatever bride awaited them – oh, I learned my lessons well – even though that was almost 10 years ago – oh, how time flies!
I ought to get back to work. I’m watching “Perry Mason”. I feel so fatigued. My throat hurts so – I should take my aspirin & some more cough medicine. Maybe a shot of vodka. Cognac or Drambuie would be better – not that I have any – but that’s life.
***
Sitting in our new living room. Things are really beginning to look great. The only room left to set up & unpack is the front room – the office/library. Tomorrow I’ll start on it. The job I have been waiting for! It’s gonna look so great.
The boys upstairs seem nice. They’re frat boys – TKE. I had to laugh – TKE was the first party I attended at UB. Official party, anyway. It is really weird hearing footsteps over my head. The kitty-cats were really freaked out by that sound too – they have been freaked out all weekend anyway – the more furniture that disappeared from the old place, the more they were freaking – & Saturday, I shut them up in our bedroom while everyone was here moving stuff & then they got put into Danielle’s cat carrier & then to the new place. It was cold & rainy/snowy – Danielle took us over in her car – they meowed so piteously – I had never heard that cry from them before. When we got to the new house, I took them into the new bedroom, closed the door, set up the litter box & left them. After everything was moved in, I released them. They have been exploring ever since.
Later. We started on the front room. Teddy hung a lamp & I started arranging my desk. I had two desks on Minnesota Avenue – one in the dining room, which was basically a correspondence desk & the one in my office. The dining room desk is now in the dressing/sewing room – the extra bedroom – & will be where I keep & fix my jewelry, make-up, costume design & altar to the Goddess. So now my correspondence – address books, desk calendar, stationary, etc. – has to be added to my work desk. Not a big deal & it’s probably better that I do everything at one desk anyway.
I’m tired but it’s so hard to stop – I don’t even want to sleep in tomorrow – I want to get up early & set up the office. But we’ll see. I’m pretty exhausted – I’m running – have been running – on nervous energy.
It’s so nice here. It’s nice being in a place that is all there – all the windows – nothing broken – constant hot water – wall switches & outlets in logical places – a big fridge – a stove that heats up quickly – I never realized how slow & uneven that other stove was. The main thing is – it’s warm & cozy here. It’s carpeted in every room – including the bathroom. I think we’re gonna like it here.
***
Too busy to write. I slept until 11:30 a.m. yesterday – I was so tired – 2 cups of coffee & a shower later, I was unpacking books & setting up bookcases. I worked until 12:30 a.m. – pretty much non-stop – except for when Teddy & I went over to the old place to pick up the mail & get the messages & bring back a few more things – & of course when I made dinner. I got right up this morning & right back to work – I’m up to the R’s – I’ve been drinking coffee all morning but soon I’ll break for some eggs & toast. I’ll be working on the office all day.
Yesterday I also cleaned the oven – what a job! It took four applications of Easy-Off & I still had to scrape off the burnt on grease & food. It’s hard to believe that people can be that slobby.
Night. Smoking a joint – drinking a beer – eating an apple – watching a program on Channel 17 about the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. I have my Tarot cards with me – it’s been eons since I tossed them – since October 2 – I’ve been sleeping with them under my pillow to get the vibrations up to date – oh, moving certainly has disrupted my life – my habits – my cycles –
***
The end of another busy week. We’re gonna move a lot of stuff today – lots of stuff that’ll get stored in the cellar – plus the rest of the picture, the frames, my collages – whatever we feel like. My office – the office, I should say – is now a dream office – plants & books everywhere – it’s beautiful. I have been waiting my entire life for a room like this.
Every day when we’ve been going over to the old place & playing back the messages. There’s a strike going on with NY Telephone & we can’t set up new phone service yet. So we have to keep the old service in the old place so I can keep working.
I got my bike & rode home. I was just arriving when a truck drove by with two guys in it & they were hanging out the windows to get a look at me – I thought – that one guy looks like Jesse! Well – guess what! It was Jesse! He was out to lunch with a guy on his crew. They parked the truck & came in the new place to check it out & smoke a doobie with me. He said he had some fabulous new weed – the joint we smoked was killer – & he would be calling Teddy soon to do a deal.
“Call me,” I said, as he was walking out the door. “Or maybe you don’t want me anymore.”
“No, it’s not that” he said. “You know I want you – that hasn’t changed. I’ve been working my butt off, trying to support my family – & I’m getting pretty tired of working all the time!”
“Poor buddy,” I crooned – but inside I was laughing. Poor buddy, indeed! He’ll be here – soon enough. I’d be amazed if Doreen wasn’t pregnant again by the middle of next year. & then he’ll be here all the time. If only to complain about her.
***
I’ve got so much to do today – baking a Samhain apple pie – setting up my Goddess wall – typing up my Tarot notes – writing a poem to Hecate – raking the yard – I should get going!
Jesse stopped over yesterday. He got me totally stoned & left me with a nice bud.
We moved the rest of the plants yesterday.
[November]
It’s snowing. In the 70’s on Monday & snowing today! It looks so pretty.
It’s been a busy week. Tuesday – of course – was Halloween – I baked an apple pie – with a pentacle etched into the top crust – any feelings of disappointment I had because I’m not in a coven & couldn’t participate in a Samhain ritual disappeared while I was making the pie. For if cooking & baking are not acts of magic & transformation, I don’t know what is. The same with sewing – all needlework – & gardening & writing & painting & making love – all the things I excel at. & performance. I create magic every time I do a show. & isn’t that what witchcraft is all about?
I have 2 jobs tomorrow night & a few next weekend but that’s it. Not having a phone is really beginning to hurt.
***
We were in an accident last night – on the way home from our parties – on Bailey Ave – a black dude hit us – he was completely wasted – he was driving a white Lincoln – he U-turned right in front of us – Teddy veered but couldn’t help hitting the dude – he’s inconsolable – his beautiful truck –
We almost went out to Darryl’s – we were in fact on our way – but we turned around & went home – we came home! We’re real glad we did – things are bad – the truck will cost a lot to fix – but at least we resisted temptation – another futile act – besides we bought a half an ounce today – & tomorrow we go to Wegman’s. We’ll be going out to Darryl’s much less in the future – if at all.
***
My tapes came! Well – all of them except the Don Henley one – Patsy Cline, Roy Orbison & U2. I put the Patsy Cline on immediately – this is the way radio sounded when I was a real little girl – before the Beatles – well the way WBEN sounded – which is what Mama had on in the mornings – in the kitchen, as she made breakfast for all of us.
The drapery rod fell down today – the one in the office – so I thought I’d put in the traverse cord. Should be easy, right? I can’t get the damn thing correct & I’ve tried three times – I guess I’ll have to wait until Teddy gets home – he should be here soon.
***
Jesse stopped by this morning. I was in the middle of work & really not in the mood for him – but he told me that my phone was disconnected – not temporarily disconnected – but totally turned off. My career is over after this weekend. I have no more bookings! I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry! I mean, this is what I wanted, right? But – not yet! Not this way! Teddy says that the phone will get turned back on & people will be calling again – presumably people who haven’t tried in the last week – or heard that the it’s disconnected – or think that I’m out of business – or whatever – well, there’s nothing I can do about it – goddamn phone strike! I mean, people move & need to move their phones & with the strike, it’s impossible – what are businesses doing? Are we supposed to just go without a phone?
Anyway, I decided to look for a job – not that I really want to work – but cocaine or no cocaine – we can’t live on what Teddy makes – well, not comfortably – I’m not really sure how to go about this – I know I don’t want an office job. If I have a sit at a desk at work, I’m not gonna wanna do it at home & I gotta do it at home – I’m not sacrificing my writing for anything. I’ll fucking dance in a club before I do that! & I certainly don’t want to dance in a club. I mean – without a car – what am I supposed to do – take the bus to work? Or cabs? That gets real expensive real fast. I’m looking for a job as a barmaid – I’m gonna hit near-by taverns first & then spread out. Teddy hates the idea. I can’t help it. I gotta have constant cash flow or I get nervous. I get worried.
I’m nervous & worried right now. I supposed I’m overreacting – as usual – but I was never one to wait for trouble – I’ll take off before it gets here – or meet it head on – whatever happens.
***
A lot has happened since Tuesday. I went looking for work & found nothing – well not a job – but I found Mark Miles – he’s been around – his marriage broke up a year ago & he split town but now he’s back – he works at The Skeptical Inquirer/Prometheus Books – he wants me to write my autobiography! He says I’m famous – everyone has seen Cori. & how! Talking to him improved my mood – I’ve been in a bad mood lately – being with him renewed my confidence – made my future look brighter – if not less vague – oh well – my future’s always been a blur.
But one thing he told me really shock me. It’s been a while since I’ve talked to Jon but it’s not like I’ve had a phone. I was trying to remember the last time we spoke – maybe it was six months ago – maybe more. I’ve been so busy that I haven’t really noticed. Of course – I read his columns about local music in the Buffalo News. Honestly though – I’m so busy with my own career that I don’t have time for local music anymore. It’s not like 10 years ago when I was actually part of the scene. I wish I still was but I just don’t have the time. Anyway – Mark told me that Jon & Sara just had their first child – a little girl – with the stripper-sounding name of Brandy. What – is that their favorite thing to drink? I know it’s not Jon’s favorite song. “Did they get married?” I asked. “Yes,” Mark answered. “They didn’t have a wedding – I guess when Sara told Jon she was pregnant, he insisted on getting married – they just went to City Hall & did it. Strangers off the street as witnesses.”
I felt really weird. I remembered telling Jon I was pregnant – it may have been 11 years ago but it was like yesterday. & he certainly didn’t “insist” that we get married. He “insisted” that I get an abortion. Of course – we were both in college & neither of us had good jobs – Jon was working at a bowling alley & I wasn’t working at all – of course it’s not like Jon is making much money right now – as a music critic – but apparently Sara is – graphic arts is a lucrative career. Mark told me that Jon was a “house husband” most of the time, “taking care of the baby & writing.” I thought about Jesse – taking care of the babies when he was laid off while Doreen went to work as a nurse.
“Hey, you OK?” asked Mark.
I laughed. “Yeah, I’m alright.” But I wasn’t. I knew I wasn’t. What happened with Jon so many years ago had broken me in a way that had never been repaired.
“C’mon,” he stood up. “Let’s go have a drink. You look like you need one.” We went to Falco’s.
***
The phone is back on – I’m glad! Maybe I will work this coming weekend. I had a pretty lousy time this weekend – my bad mood again – I need an adjustment in the worst way – every joint & muscle aches. It’s an effort to stretch every day. My back is so out of whack that every move hurts – try dancing like this. & no coke, too – we can’t afford it – don’t want to afford it! I gotta hang in there – if we keep working & keep away from coke – everything will work out – including a good Christmas – & I will be able to afford to see Dr. West again.
***
I went downtown yesterday. It was the last beautiful day – today it’s raining – blowing – snowing & freezing – I went out to lunch with P.W. – I called about a typist job, too – I have a job interview at 3 today. I got bunches of books out. I had fun – it was a great day! I took the #13 Kensington bus to the Utica Station & then the train downtown. Coming back, I took the train to Amherst Street, then a #32 Amherst Street bus to Bailey Ave. I had to wait a half-hour for the bus but I read until it arrived. I stopped in a Falco’s for a beer & to make some phone calls – oh & I am working this weekend! Teddy was right – I did get upset about nothing.
How the wind is blowing! Winter is coming!
Night. I forgot to mention that last night Pat stopped in. He brought 2 joints & a tape – the new Dead album on one side & Live Dead on the other. Pat’s not even a Deadhead but he knows I am – I thought that was sweet of him to bring those over. He’s really more into jazz & rhythm & blues. He stayed for a while – it was such a nice visit. We really haven’t had that many people over yet to see the place – something I’ve been rather upset about – but anyone who’s been here is amazed that we’re already so settled so maybe they think we’re still unpacking or something. I’m gonna get the Chistmas & Solstice cards out really early this year – right after Thanksgiving – & add a little note inviting people over. I love this place so much – I’m really proud of it.
***
No work tonight. It feels so weird to be staying home. We worked last night. We spent our money on food & home necessities. We joke about how we would love a line but it feels better to eat – to be warm – to have the bills paid – to have a bag of weed.
***
I’ve been under the weather all day. I really need an adjustment – I decided to borrow money from Anthony & go to Dr.West’s tomorrow. I have continual headaches – my neck is stiff – my whole body aches. With Thanksgiving shopping on Wednesday – a party on Wednesday night – & cooking all day Thursday – I just don’t want the pain – I want to relax & enjoy myself on Thanksgiving. Not hurt – I hope Anthony can lend me the money.
***
I couldn’t get the money from Anthony. Oh well. I feel a lot better today anyway. Well – actually – I felt pretty bad this morning – a really bad migraine – I woke up with it – so I slept in – I didn’t get up until 10:30 a.m. – & I still had the stupid migraine – everything went wrong – every little job – the cellar fridge – the litter box – turned into a large job – I didn’t feel good until I got into the shower. I did my nails while I watched “Perry Mason” – then made up & went out. I looked really good & my headache had gone away – so even though Anthony wasn’t able to help me out – I felt so good – I barely cared. & Anthony was really sweet about it – he always is. I know he loves me – which is all that matters.
***
Tired. Depressed. A bad headache. A stiff neck. I’m homesick. This time of the year is so tough on me – on one hand, I’m happy we’re staying home – I’m doing a turkey dinner & everything that goes with it – & on the other hand, I miss my family. Teddy keeps saying, “I’m your family, Shadow & Missy’s your family” & of course he’s right – but still – I miss Mom – I miss everyone. It’s been – how long? – since June, 1988 – when I saw them last – & it wasn’t the best reunion – but oh well. Dwelling on it won’t make me feel any better.
I suppose things would look brighter if I had a joint to smoke. & I suppose having my period is contributing to my depression.
I guess I’ll go bake the pumpkin pie – gotta be done anyway – besides – baking always cheers me up.
***
Feeling much better. After I wrote for a moment, I laid down for a moment & was out cold for an hour. I woke up & couldn’t get up – I finally dragged myself out of bed & started making the pie. I put on my Patsy Cline tape to keep myself company – with the boys upstairs gone, the house is so quiet — & the next thing I knew, I was sitting at the kitchen table – sobbing into a towel. I was totally gone – a complete wreck – then the doorbell rang. I wiped my face off & answered the door – it was Jesse. Yes – I’ve been avoiding him – trying to pretend he doesn’t exist – but at that moment – I was never happier to see anyone.
“What’s the matter, darlin’?”
“Oh Jesse – I’m so depressed – I’m so homesick!” & then I was in his arms – sobbing, sobbing – oh, his comforting bulk – his physical largeness – my face pressed into his sweater smelling of cigarette smoke. He started attacking Teddy – saying how insensitive he was – not going to my mother’s house for Thanksgiving when that’s where I wanted to be – & of course the more he denigrated Teddy, the more I defended him & Jesse started to laugh – “Get off your high horse,” he said. “I see you’re feeling better,” he added dryly. Before he left, he massaged my back & cracked my spine & neck – it was such a blessed relief – a release of tension. I have been so tense – so tense – too tense.
The rest of Wednesday was great. Teddy took me out to lunch at Cayuga Snack Bar – a Thanksgiving tradition. Then we came home & napped all afternoon. When we got up, we went to Falco’s. I was hoping to run into Mark Miles but never showed – his boss M.B. did & I introduced myself. We went home & Pat showed up with a half an ounce of weed & a gram of coke. We went to that party in a great mood. I’ve never danced better. It was a really good party. Afterwards, we stopped back in at Falco’s & then home again to party & play backgammon. I was definitely under the weather for Thanksgiving though – the turkey didn’t get in until 1 p.m. & I went back to bed after that. But when I re-awoke at 2:30, I felt great. We smoked joints – munched on cheese & pepperoni & crackers – pickles & olives – celery & carrot sticks & Marie’s blue cheese dressing – until dinner was ready at 6 p.m. – & dinner was great! Everything tasted wonderful! Of course – cleaning up took a long time – but I did it in stages – in between joints – but it was nice – a really nice Thanksgiving.
***
Watching the Bills-Bengals game. We’re on top – 17-0. We’re almost out of weed again – down to roaches – Pat says there isn’t anything to be had – at least for today. That’s life. Curtis turned up again – he has some acid! I really hope we can get some! It’s been close to 2 years since we last tripped. Is that possible? We used to trip all the time. Cocaine has really ruined the drug market. I mean – it’s all anyone has – there’s little weed – even less LSD or shrooms or buttons or any other hallucinogens – you can get pain killers, but that’s about it. I miss tripping. I really do.
I’ve been working on a collections of poems called “A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Seductress.” I want to have it done & in Mark Miles’ hands by the end of the week.
I also need to get laid. It occurred to me that I’m constantly hungry & constantly eating because I’m constantly horny. I really have to do something about this. It doesn’t help to masturbate more. In fact – it makes it worse – I want to be with someone – not by myself – I want passion – there really isn’t any passion in masturbation – except in fantasies – & I’m sick of fantasies – I want the real thing & I want it regularly – & often – not every few months when Teddy finally feels like it. Or once a year! I mean – what the fuck! I love him so much & I don’t want to hurt him but I can’t go on like this – I’ll end up as fat as a sow if I do – not to mention completely out of my mind.
Something else – I keep thinking that I’d like to have a baby – especially if I’m not going to be dancing anymore. Teddy doesn’t want children – he’s said so many times – but I still think about it. I would really love a daughter – I already have a name picked out – Janine Rebecca.
***
I slept in today. I didn’t plan to – but something about Mondays makes me want to sleep. Maybe it’s just a habit left over from our drug days. It just feels so good to lie in bed & drift off into fantasies – hope that they come true – masturbate & call for Jesse – I can’t help it – fall back asleep – & wake hours later – feeling guilty because I have so much to do.
But I’m up now – drinking coffee & writing. I’m ignoring the housework today. Oh – I’ll probably straighten up the house during “Perry Mason”.
I just finished a poem called “Shadow”.
***
I just finished my book. Well – I have to type up the table of contents – but the all the poems are typed & in order. The sections are: High School Lovers, The Knight of Cups, The Rainbow, & Man on a Motorcycle. I only used a fraction of my poems – maybe around 100 of them – & I’m already thinking of the next book – the wild life – love affairs – dancing & drugs – & eventually I want to do one about spirituality – maybe called it Myths, Dreams & Visions – include my Goddess poems & my dream poems. But that’s all in the future – I’m just glad to have this book done.
I’m scared about showing it to Mark – or to anyone for that matter. I’m afraid he won’t be interested – or he’ll read them only as a courtesy – or he’ll think they suck – or they’re amateurish – or immature – or something else that will make me feel like shit. I’m so scared.
***
I’m finished. I did the table of contents after my shower this morning & corrected the only two typos after breakfast. Then I cleaned the house for the first time in days – housework always gets neglected when I’m writing. Now I have the new Dead album on. I should go out & call Mark. I’m just so frightened – really scared – of rejection. One thing I realized when I was working on this book was that the pain & rejection I suffered ten years ago still burns. Also – I am amazingly angry about it – I used to be depressed – but anger & depression are really the same emotion – kinda like positive & negative poles of the same lousy feeling. Anyway – I’m not over the pain – I’m not over wishing that things could have different. Also – the feeling like no one’s ever really taken me seriously – least of all Jon – which is why some of my most extreme anger is directed at him – that affair almost destroyed me & what for? Things would be so different now!
I’ve been having really telling dreams lately – dreams in which I’m angry – I’m fighting – I’m jealous – & I’m acting on my feelings instead of getting depressed or ignoring them or partying away the pain. I’m not always right in fact in some dreams I really overreact – like beating the shit out of someone for $12 – but it does show that as happy as I am with my new home – with Teddy – with the cats – I am really angry – angry because I want to be taken seriously as an artist – & I want sexual passion – I think that’s one of the reasons I’m so angry. I’m working out the anger I feel in my dreams instead of in my conscious life because I can’t work it out in consciously – I’m so afraid of hurting Teddy – I really love him – but I can no longer deny – if I ever did – that this marriage is not what I really want. I mean – within 6 months of my marriage – I was having an affair with Jesse. & one of the poems I wrote for Jon – do you keep on wanting me? – was written a week before the wedding & published in the Buffalo News shortly afterward. I mean – I told the entire world that I was thinking about a past lover – just as I was getting married. But Teddy – I love him so much – he loves me so much – why can’t it be enough? & what’s missing? Because I know something is missing. Something is very wrong & has been from the very beginning.
Well – this isn’t getting my poems published.
Noon. I just called Mark. We’re getting together on Friday at noon. He’s enthusiastic – at least he sounded that way. I’m so nervous! Oh Mother! I want everything to turn out well!
Night. At turns exhilarated & scared. Afraid I’m making too much out of nothing – my imagination is going nuts – running wild – I don’t know how I’ll live until Friday. Oh, I wish I hadn’t gotten so fat! Actually – I look pregnant. Oh well – I’m still thinner & in better shape than I was at any time up until April & May of 1980 – when I was doing those great black beauties – oh how I wish I could still get those! – oh well. I’m still great looking! I still have a great figure – just a little more of it. Besides – I’ve always been sexy – large or small. I just feel a little more confident when I’m small.
I know – I know – it’s my writing that’s important – not my looks. It’s just looking good makes me feel better & more confident in all areas of my life – hey, I need all the help I can get!
I’m just dying – Friday can’t get here fast enough.
***
Bored. I finally finished a poem I’ve been working on all summer long & now I just can’t get into anything else. I shoveled the driveway & front walk & put the garbage out. The cats are crawling all over me. I’ve got a lot of books out from the library – I guess I’ll read the rest of them this afternoon. I’ve got chicken rice soup on the stove – I’ll have lunch & read & probably take a nap – I’d take a walk, but it’s blowing cold & snow. I should transcribe a diary – or inventory some books – I just don’t feel like doing anything.
***
[December]
All made up. I must have changed my clothes a dozen times – now I’m in my green sweater – green, the color of money – color of life – the color to attract love – & my jeans & boots – I considered a dress but fuck! – I’m comfortable in jeans & let’s not get carried away here – plus it’s cold out & I dress for the weather. I’m so nervous! There – I just put on some perfume. A shot of perfume is a shot of courage.
Noon. At Falco’s. I’m so afraid he’ll never show.
Afternoon. Well, he came over & we talked – mostly about people we both knew – but since he had to get back to work, he couldn’t stay long – he took the manuscript & left – he said he’d read it over the weekend & get back to me – I have such a feeling of anticlimax – & oh god – I am dying for a drink – dying, dying, dying! Oh, I am so sick of being broke! I can’t even borrow any money off Anthony because I’m not working this weekend. All I have is a bicentennial quarter. Oh Jesse! Where are you when I need you!
[…] Source: Excerpts From A Diary 38 […]
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